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Purple is a wonderful color to start the day off with. Because with the color purple you can make a secret wish outloud, and it won't matter if anyone can hear you or not. For once in my life I want everything to be boring and normal and like every other typical family.

I don't want to fret over my family constantly falling apart. I don't want to face the fact of me losing my health insurance. I don't want to think about me not earning my second degree in the next five years. I don't want to deal with everything going on in my life. I desperately want to be left alone. I feel as if I'm cracking under all of this pressure. How can I withstand so much turmoil? If it isn't my mother being sick my brother is turing out just like my dad. If it's not that then it's my dad saying he has the final word and he refuses to pay for school unless it's a university. If it's not people fighting all day long over stupid things it's mothers crying and cleaning two in the morning about the house and how I don't do squat. If it's not that then I have other people's egos to sooth and make them feel better because it's the least I can do. After all it's not like I can pull my life together so easily.

I've confided all of this to Ryan and he knows there is no easy solution either. He just tells me he loves me, that I am a very strong and dependable girl. That he will stand by waiting if I need to lean on him for support. He says it's okay to cry, to break down if I need to.

I scoff at him. I don't cry. There is no reason to cry. And that frustrates him all the more. He hates how strong I'm trying to be.

I wish I could tell him the truth. It is not tears I cannot manage to create, it is me waking up and not having the strength to get out of bed. It is me staring at my ceiling wondering what the point of it all is at the moment. Before I would think about school, homework, clean something, avoid dad. That was my life. Now I wake up and I get yelled at for not cleaning enough and I spend the whole day at home. I apply at countless places for jobs and no one hires me. I feel so dejected. Where am I going with my life? What are my goals? My priorities? What do I want to do with my life? I spend the whole day locked away in this cursed house not doing anything meaningful. It drives me insane.


I feel as if I will go crazy if I am to continue. In Feb. my mother will have surgery. I will take her place until she gets better. I will be sucked in even more than I am now. Things look bleak for me because I have no future as anything other than a useless housewife. 

I need to get out of this house. I need to breathe. I cannot and willnot tolerate any more people depending on me for something. I will crumble under the pressure...

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Referring to my last post I decided to make a bit of a compromise. When two sides won't budge on their decision one has to find middle ground that won't kill either of them.


So, i picked secret option three. After thinking about everything for a long time I decided to let them pay for school. WHAT?!

But only so I won't lose my insurance. If they want me to keep it then it's okay I'll take classes at the local community college. No sweat, I'm still getting an education of some kind and I don't lose my insurance.

But I refuse to let them pay for one cent for the university. I want to go to a school of MY choice. I refuse to pick a school just because it's the cheepest and they 'have to pay for it'.

I'm also tired of my dad threatening to take away the one thing that has any value in my pathetic life, my education. It's not like I have much else at this age.

It's a sink or swim situation, and I'm hoping I picked the right choice.

On a darker note, I've been going through some tough stuff lately. My mom had to go to the hospital two nights ago and the doctors couldn't find out what was wrong with her. That upsets me greatly. She had lost control of her body and was sluggish, she was dizzy and couldn't see straight. I was so scared for her but as usual I can't show it. My sister and brother are crying their eyes out and I have to stay strong for them. I made them laugh and told them everything was okay, we played games and moved around the furniture in my room so they could sleep in my room for the night. I also took care of my one year old sister. I was so exhausted the next day, thanksgiving day. I had slept for less than a hour as I waited for phone calls. I got up and woke up my sister, once again I somehow managed to work up the strength to keep going. I made her laugh and we joked around and danced as we made the turkey in place of my mother. My thanksgiving weekend was horrible.

Thankfully she's okay now though, even though no one still knows what's wrong.



Eh..............just gotta roll with the punches I guess.

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Someone once said that frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself. I disgres though. I am at this moment, incredibly frustrated to the extent that I'm utterly confused. For reasons that I cannot reveal, I have decided to take a class this winter semester. I went to my mother to ask her if I could borrow money and told her I would pay her back. She took it as an oppurtunity to make me go back to school. "Yes. Yes." She says, "Go to the university! I'll let you borrow all you need and you can just pay me back when you can. Look at it this way: Now you can leave the house sooner, start your own life. Be your own person. Have a degree that you earned."


That woman, is very convincing.I myself, am very stubborn.


I think I'm going to ask for a hundred dollars for christmas. I'm going to use the money to pay for winter semester AT RCC. I refuse to borrow money for school now. The whole reason I didn't start last fall and am still not attending school is because of my dad. I won't go into details though. My mother agrees he's at fault, but she wants me to forget all about it and just go back to school. Like I could forget all about THAT.

If I don't start school in the spring, I lose my health insurance.

My mom says to stop being so prideful and just start already, I'm not compromising myself if I borrow and pay back.

But really, isn't that the same thing as just going to school at the University? Like forgeting everything that happened? What was everything for then? Why did we go through so much for? Just to go right back where we started from? If I go back we'll return to the vicious cycle all over again. And I really really don't want that.

But is trying to escape this cycle worth losing my insurance over?


ARGH! I don't know what to do. All I know is that I need to take a class this winter for someone. And it can't wait till spring.

Everywhere I go I can't find a job. No one hires me, not even for seasonal. My lack of experience troubles the world.

I wish this decision was easy for me to make. I don't want to go back to where I was before, I was miserable then. I said I was going to pay for school all on my own, I said I'd do it and I meant it. But it's hard to pay for stuff when you have no money...


I feel so stupid, me asking for money on Christmas to pay for one class? Hahahahaha who are you fooling Stephanie? Isn't that the same thing as taking money from them?

But I have to take that class no matter what. They're depending on me and they need me. I cannot fail them.


Truly, I am only digging myself into a deeper hole.

I came home today expecting nothing out of the sort. I've been so stressed lately with my family being always on the verge of falling apart. Sometimes I'm used to it, sometimes it's like a slap on the face. Today I'm reminded of how close my family is to falling apart any second. No one was home except for my brother who was upstairs playing mmorpg games. The house phone suddenly goes berserk and i regret answering it because as soon as one person is done yelling at me another person starts up. Bless my favorite aunt's heart though because she called and told me that my Grandmother had a heart attack and was in the hospital. I immediately got in the truck and drove around looking for my mom so she could call my dad. After that fiasco my sister told me about the argument that my parents had today. My dad just realized I'm not going to school anytime soon. He's really mad. Apparently he stormed out on my mother when she told him that I was not going to school and he said I was lazy. ;_;


Well, I know who I have to avoid for a few days. XD

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Today is like every other day of my life. Since I don't go to school, I can sleep in all morning if I want to. I don't see the point in it anymore though. What was once a luxury is now tedious to me. If I sleep in I have less time to clean. My boyfriend teases me and tell's me my family are neat freaks. But all I do is smile. That's all I can afford to do. Because if I don't get the cleaning done there will be hell to pay.

I think I'm starting to like the whole cleaning business, I pride myself in my work and when the house is just a bit messy I get nervous. I wonder if my parents are starting to rub off on me.

I used to be so lazy like everyone else, just lounge around until I abosultley had to clean. Now I do it everyday without question. My mother is busy with her baby. I feel as if I've inherited something I didn't ask for.

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So... one has to wonder, how do blogs work? I'm a first timer, so I find this all pretty silly. I've read blogs before, is it like a diary? Do I write my most secretive thoughts down in hopes that someone will stumble across them?

If that's so..I feel pretty stupid right now.

Because some people have no secretive thoughts. Feel free to argue otherwise. I'm not a profound or bright person, so you'll probably win the argument and your gigantic oversized steriod pumped chest will puff. Oh I assure you, it will puff.

Now, for something interesting. (because no one wants to be bored to death.) I read Jurassic Park. It was amazing. I know these words I am about to say are incredibly overused but...the book is really better than the movie. In a word, it was AMAZING.

I recommend it to all who have reading abilities. Yes, that means you. :D


p.s. Yes, I know I can't spell or use grammar correctly. Shut up. :P