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Someone once said that frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself. I disgres though. I am at this moment, incredibly frustrated to the extent that I'm utterly confused. For reasons that I cannot reveal, I have decided to take a class this winter semester. I went to my mother to ask her if I could borrow money and told her I would pay her back. She took it as an oppurtunity to make me go back to school. "Yes. Yes." She says, "Go to the university! I'll let you borrow all you need and you can just pay me back when you can. Look at it this way: Now you can leave the house sooner, start your own life. Be your own person. Have a degree that you earned."


That woman, is very convincing.I myself, am very stubborn.


I think I'm going to ask for a hundred dollars for christmas. I'm going to use the money to pay for winter semester AT RCC. I refuse to borrow money for school now. The whole reason I didn't start last fall and am still not attending school is because of my dad. I won't go into details though. My mother agrees he's at fault, but she wants me to forget all about it and just go back to school. Like I could forget all about THAT.

If I don't start school in the spring, I lose my health insurance.

My mom says to stop being so prideful and just start already, I'm not compromising myself if I borrow and pay back.

But really, isn't that the same thing as just going to school at the University? Like forgeting everything that happened? What was everything for then? Why did we go through so much for? Just to go right back where we started from? If I go back we'll return to the vicious cycle all over again. And I really really don't want that.

But is trying to escape this cycle worth losing my insurance over?


ARGH! I don't know what to do. All I know is that I need to take a class this winter for someone. And it can't wait till spring.

Everywhere I go I can't find a job. No one hires me, not even for seasonal. My lack of experience troubles the world.

I wish this decision was easy for me to make. I don't want to go back to where I was before, I was miserable then. I said I was going to pay for school all on my own, I said I'd do it and I meant it. But it's hard to pay for stuff when you have no money...


I feel so stupid, me asking for money on Christmas to pay for one class? Hahahahaha who are you fooling Stephanie? Isn't that the same thing as taking money from them?

But I have to take that class no matter what. They're depending on me and they need me. I cannot fail them.


Truly, I am only digging myself into a deeper hole.