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Purple is a wonderful color to start the day off with. Because with the color purple you can make a secret wish outloud, and it won't matter if anyone can hear you or not. For once in my life I want everything to be boring and normal and like every other typical family.

I don't want to fret over my family constantly falling apart. I don't want to face the fact of me losing my health insurance. I don't want to think about me not earning my second degree in the next five years. I don't want to deal with everything going on in my life. I desperately want to be left alone. I feel as if I'm cracking under all of this pressure. How can I withstand so much turmoil? If it isn't my mother being sick my brother is turing out just like my dad. If it's not that then it's my dad saying he has the final word and he refuses to pay for school unless it's a university. If it's not people fighting all day long over stupid things it's mothers crying and cleaning two in the morning about the house and how I don't do squat. If it's not that then I have other people's egos to sooth and make them feel better because it's the least I can do. After all it's not like I can pull my life together so easily.

I've confided all of this to Ryan and he knows there is no easy solution either. He just tells me he loves me, that I am a very strong and dependable girl. That he will stand by waiting if I need to lean on him for support. He says it's okay to cry, to break down if I need to.

I scoff at him. I don't cry. There is no reason to cry. And that frustrates him all the more. He hates how strong I'm trying to be.

I wish I could tell him the truth. It is not tears I cannot manage to create, it is me waking up and not having the strength to get out of bed. It is me staring at my ceiling wondering what the point of it all is at the moment. Before I would think about school, homework, clean something, avoid dad. That was my life. Now I wake up and I get yelled at for not cleaning enough and I spend the whole day at home. I apply at countless places for jobs and no one hires me. I feel so dejected. Where am I going with my life? What are my goals? My priorities? What do I want to do with my life? I spend the whole day locked away in this cursed house not doing anything meaningful. It drives me insane.


I feel as if I will go crazy if I am to continue. In Feb. my mother will have surgery. I will take her place until she gets better. I will be sucked in even more than I am now. Things look bleak for me because I have no future as anything other than a useless housewife. 

I need to get out of this house. I need to breathe. I cannot and willnot tolerate any more people depending on me for something. I will crumble under the pressure...