________

A Fool.

It’s sad that I would take you back today. You’ve broken my heart more than once and it’s left in so many pieces I don’t know what to do. Who is going to help me put it back together Ryan? You were my first love. You were my best friend.

What does one do when they are left on their wedding day the first time- stood up? Why would someone do that to a person? Four years together and you tell me you love me, that I made you a better person. That you wanted to spend the rest of your life making me as happy as I made you.

I gave up everything for you, I was the perfect girlfriend. No need, want or whim, of yours was too great. I knew you better than I knew myself. And you being happy made me happy. And my tears that were shed were comforted by you. Oh how’d you kiss me and tell me it would be okay. How the nights would stretch as if it was the sky itself.

You told me there is no one else but me, that I was everything to you. Then you take it away. I did not recover. I had nothing to grasp on to. Nothing to numb the pain.

And then one day you say you’re sorry and it’s as if I can breathe again. And it won’t happen again no no no not again. You promise I’ll never be alone. That you were a fool and you didn’t want to throw away everything we had.

And I’m crying so much right now. I cannot recover the second time. The second time of waking up and watching the minutes tick by was harder than the first. I’m drowning. I’m drowning and everyone is just watching.

Don’t tell me I am so lucky to be stood up now twice by the same guy than to get married, have kids, and get divorced. Don’t tell me he was an assshole. Don’t tell me I’ll find new love.

Because being stood up at your wedding is a bigger rejection than a relationship breaking up. I was ready to make the ultimate commitment and now I’m looking back on my relationship and doubting every single intimate moment that we ever shared. Who are you stranger?

Who are you to text me and ask why I haven’t called lately or text? What are you doing Ryan? Why are you torturing me like this? I can barely manage the will to keep living. Our whole future was planned out together. I can barely convince myself to stay alive and you do this.

Why does it hurt so much? Who does that shit twice Ryan? Why did you do that to me? Why? Why are you asking me to call you? What do you want me to say? I am not so irrational that I would yell at you and look like a bitch. I love you too much, I’m too sweet, too nice. 

I can’t hold it together anymore. I can’t do this on my own.