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A certain shopkeeper sent his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world. The lad wandered through the desert for 40 days, and finally came upon a beautiful castle, high atop a mountain. It was there that the wise man lived.

~

Rather than finding a saintly man, though, our hero, on entering the main room of the castle, saw a hive of activity: tradesmen came and went, people were conversing in the corners, a small orchestra was playing soft music, and there was a table covered with platters of the most delicious food in that part of the world. The wise man conversed with everyone, and the boy had to wait for two hours before it was his turn to be given the man’s attention.

~

The wise man listened attentively to the boy’s explanation of why he had come, but told him that he didn’t have time just then to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in two hours.

~

“Meanwhile, I want to ask you to do something”, said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held two drops of oil. “As you wander around, carry this spoon with you without allowing the oil to spill”.

The boy began climbing and descending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After two hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was.

~

“Well”, asked the wise man, “Did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”

~

The boy was embarrassed, and confessed that he had observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.

~

“Then go back and observe the marvels of my world”, said the wise man. “You cannot trust a man if you don’t know his house”.

~

Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all of the works of art on the ceilings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything had been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen.

~

“But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you?” asked the wise man. Looking down at the spoon he held, the boy saw that the oil was gone.

~

“Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you”, said the wisest of wise men. “The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon”.

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No one wants to hear stories about girls like us. They want romantic stories of girls who meet their destined love and their whole world opens up and gives way to a million opportunities. I’ve read about them countless times, over and over. It’s a story I never tire of. I love that this girl who doesn’t consider herself amazing and lacks confidence seems to find it slowly. I love how she meets someone who she just clicks with. Yes, sometimes there are hard patches between them but in the end it always works out.

No one wants to hear about the girl who is with a guy she can’t even make up her mind about. He wouldn’t be the main character. He’d last a chapter or two and she’d meet the real prince in the story later on. I could write a teen angst story with my eyes closed. They’re predictable and I love them.

But what about a story like mine?

When I laid eyes on you my heart skipped a beat. You weren’t terribly handsome, nothing about you stood out at all. Does me telling you this insult you? I doubt it will. I imagine you smiling and shaking your head at me.

In our first conversation I was fascinated by you. I had to get to know you better. Every part of me wanted to know every part of you. Oh my- doesn’t that sound lustful? Deep down I am a naïve girl. I wasn’t even thinking about sex, I just wanted to know you and be with you.

And I did, and with every passing day I grew to like you more and more. I didn’t try to control it or stop it. I just went with it. I remember the night I was sitting on the bench with you. I was so comfortable with you. Everything felt so natural.

And then you kissed me, and I was so shocked. And you kept kissing me. And it was a scene I replied over and over in my mind like a bad movie. It’s what got me through my mission. Thinking about seeing you again- it’s what got me through every mission.

Work got me away from you. I was struggling more and more with my feelings for you. I was so scared of what I thought I might feel. I tried to convince myself I didn’t care about you. I tried to tell myself I was just using you to pass the time. That you didn’t feel the way I did about you.

I did something stupid while I was away from you. I remember you telling me you’d only be okay with it if I would go with other people. How easy it would be if I didn’t care for you so much, if I wasn’t so determined to be loyal to you and only you. If only I didn’t care, if only I could be a cruel woman who enjoyed different men for different occasions.

The sad part is that I am that woman. I became her during my last relationship. A deadly woman who took her fill from whomever she pleased. How could I explain to you that I didn’t want to be her anymore? I remember telling you how easy it was to do things, how a true lady never reveals that she a manipulator at heart, a master of many.

When I was away from you I would mumble to myself that you didn’t want the same things. A bad romance doomed from the start, that’s what we had. You didn’t want me. I felt so hurt. What was I lacking? Where did I go wrong in my attempt you win your love?

The dirty vixen, she came crawling out from her slumber. With a yawn and a stretch she murmurs to me: Darling. Darling. Darling. Look at all these men. Surely we can have some fun here. And we played a bit around with some hearts and minds with such ease and grace it amazed me that I hadn’t forgotten after all- the secrets to men’s hearts.

Eventually I came back. I saw you and I wanted to weep. What have I done? I love you. I love you. I love you. This man whom is and isn’t mine. I love you. This man who makes me feel more alive than I have my whole life, this man who cherishes me and makes me wish I could give him everything.

And finally I work up the courage to admit that I do. And you tell me you feel the same way. You love me- but it doesn’t change anything.

When I finally admit to loving you it felt like I was saying good bye to my old self. My love isn’t pure or sweet. It’s tainted by this dirty vixen. She smiles, amused by me loving you despite everything. She goes over and convinces three young unsuspecting men that confessing to her will change their lives. She turns them all down but gives hope to one.

“Wait for me.” She teases him with a wink. I want to slap her, I hate it when she gets bored and wants to corrupt people. The sad part is that she is me. She wants to kiss him just to see what it feels like- she has no interest in him. The poor sap on the other hand is in love.

She seduces another and another. She loves her fun.

I want to cry- they aren’t the same. They can’t fill this need of mine. Their passion cannot match my own, their interests are far from mine, the conversations lack excitement, the teasing is boring.

Our romance is doomed. You whisper to me sweetly you can picture yourself with me for the rest of your life. You tell me you can easily do it with me. But you refuse.

My heart weeps- but every other part of me is fine with it. As long as you are around me in some form… I swear I will be fine.

_________

The first boy was a mistake. I knew it wasn't worth any of my time or effort. So I gave him very little and walked away feeling even more unsatisfied than before. Do I regret it? No dear reader I do not. I do feel a huge amount of pity for him though. I heard the poor boy is going insane. We can't all be strong like me now can we dear?

The second boy was someone who I knew I would always love. I was drawn to him instantly. I told him from the get go that we would impact each other lives dramatically. I don't think he took me seriously at first but now our lives have been forever impacted by each other and there is a bond there that will never be broken. He's not mine to keep though unfortunately, such a shame- I am rather fond of playing house.

The third boy was charity case. Sometimes you have to give back to society by kissing a bum or two. I hope to never meet him again. I get chills down my spine just thinking of him- ugh.

The forth boy was an idiot. He was a wonderful way to pass the time though. Untalented at everything unfortunately. The only desirable assets he really has is his fortune and good luck. I could only put up with that pompous personality for so long though.

The fifth boy is still taken. I'm not interested in any more than some light flirtation- moving along now.

The sixth boy was there all along writing me constantly like a love sick puppy. He would be so easy to control. I've never met someone who was so eager to be tamed. Dear naive child- do you want me to corrupt you that badly? I keep trying to push you away and you keep telling me you've never felt this way before. Sometimes I marvel at what a man makes up in his mind all by himself without my encouragement.

The seventh boy is the current man of the hour. Cute, outgoing, charming- a tolerable kisser but no match for my favorite lover. We have some things in common and I enjoy making him feel good. A huge part of me thinks he isn't looking for anything serious, wonders why he's sniffing around at my door step and asking to see me every night. He says it's so much more- yet he doesn't promise anything. An interesting character indeed. Too bad I can only see this ending awkwardly as the flames will eventually die down.

And surprise surprise! My first married man- a blast from the past pops up. I told him I didn't want to ruin anything and broke all contact with him. I wonder how he found me through the Internet. I need to start covering my tracks better.

I'm only writing this to clear my mind better. I still keep in touch with my darling dearest who is still the easiest man to manipulate still. It amuses me to no end that he sees me for what I truly am and yet insists on loving me. We're just friends though- I keep trying to get him to sleep with other woman.

Leading a charmed life indeed. There are so many other men I could name but I won't bother. It's amusing that I always have so many to choose from.