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Once on a patrol I came across a weeping woman. She was crying and crying and crying. I looked over to a friend and asked, "Why is she crying?"

He assured me he would find out. We walked over to her and he asked for me. Turning to me he replied sadly, "Her son is dead. He died yesterday."

This woman, this heartbroken mother...I felt such compassion for her. Here you see my dearest was someone who loved her son. Here was a woman who could not read or write. Here was a woman whose world was so small and knew nothing of the marvels of the world. And yet her tiny world was shattered.

She didn't know about trees that grew bigger than sky scrapers, desserts that melted in your mouth, exotic animals you and I would only ever witness in a zoo, oceans that went deeper than we could comprehend... Do you see what I'm trying to tell you my dearest? I am fascinated by how beautiful it is, and I could never describe a silly flamingo to her. I couldn't share literature that moved me, music that soothes.

An Afghan once wrote: One should love only one and not thousands. The brightness should only come from the moon and not the stars.

He wrote it in his diary before he killed himself. I think it's about the most romantic thing I've ever read in my whole life.

He was also that woman's son. You don't have to go very far or know very much at all my dearest. Love takes you places, don't you think?

________

I'm thinking about you today. I try not to think about you at all- you know. Nothing against you, but thinking about you makes me feel sick and dizzy. It's not that I don't care for you. It's just my last memory of you involves a lot of blood.

You had the sweetest smile you know. That's what stood out most about you. That goddamn smile that was just so contagious. It could be wiped out so easily though. One time your easy going nature made me annoyed because I was trying to work and I snapped at you. Afterward you apologized and asked me if I was mad at you and never wanted to speak to you again. I was so tired you know? I didn't mean to snap. You had to have understood that the sun was high in the sky already and I felt like I couldn't walk another step. I wasn't mad at you. I told you there was a time and place for everything. You agreed there was and that stupid smile of yours returned.

I still have the ring you gave me. I wish I could tell you I never take it off. That it's stuck on a necklace tucked underneath my shirt. But I can't- now can I?

Sometimes I play with the ring around my neck. I roll it around in my fingers when I feel anxious. Today when I heard someone died I thought about you. I can't help it. Every time I look at them I think of you. They are you, the whole lot of them. And if one get hurts or dies it's like what happened to you all over again.

I wish I knew more about you, I don't know what your favorite color was, your last name, what your likes and dislikes were...

But isn't what I have enough? You were someone with a sweet smile and nature. You walked down the dirt roads with me and slept in the grape huts. You made jokes and shared your food. Isn't that enough? Isn't the ring you gave me for our friendship proof enough that you existed?

I wish I didn't feel so sick, I wish I didn't feel like the world was on a tilt and I was slipping fast. I wish I didn't have this panicking feeling creeping up on me.

It's hard to be okay all the time. Sometimes I let myself think about it, and then I realize it was a lot worse yesterday to think about you.

And yesterday when I thought about you it was harder the day before.

And the day before when I thought about you it was harder the day before that.

And the day before that...you understand what I'm saying right?

No you don't. Because dearest, you're not here.