________

I'm thinking about you today. I try not to think about you at all- you know. Nothing against you, but thinking about you makes me feel sick and dizzy. It's not that I don't care for you. It's just my last memory of you involves a lot of blood.

You had the sweetest smile you know. That's what stood out most about you. That goddamn smile that was just so contagious. It could be wiped out so easily though. One time your easy going nature made me annoyed because I was trying to work and I snapped at you. Afterward you apologized and asked me if I was mad at you and never wanted to speak to you again. I was so tired you know? I didn't mean to snap. You had to have understood that the sun was high in the sky already and I felt like I couldn't walk another step. I wasn't mad at you. I told you there was a time and place for everything. You agreed there was and that stupid smile of yours returned.

I still have the ring you gave me. I wish I could tell you I never take it off. That it's stuck on a necklace tucked underneath my shirt. But I can't- now can I?

Sometimes I play with the ring around my neck. I roll it around in my fingers when I feel anxious. Today when I heard someone died I thought about you. I can't help it. Every time I look at them I think of you. They are you, the whole lot of them. And if one get hurts or dies it's like what happened to you all over again.

I wish I knew more about you, I don't know what your favorite color was, your last name, what your likes and dislikes were...

But isn't what I have enough? You were someone with a sweet smile and nature. You walked down the dirt roads with me and slept in the grape huts. You made jokes and shared your food. Isn't that enough? Isn't the ring you gave me for our friendship proof enough that you existed?

I wish I didn't feel so sick, I wish I didn't feel like the world was on a tilt and I was slipping fast. I wish I didn't have this panicking feeling creeping up on me.

It's hard to be okay all the time. Sometimes I let myself think about it, and then I realize it was a lot worse yesterday to think about you.

And yesterday when I thought about you it was harder the day before.

And the day before when I thought about you it was harder the day before that.

And the day before that...you understand what I'm saying right?

No you don't. Because dearest, you're not here.