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It's hard.

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Some days it's hard for me to function like a normal person.

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Some days I put on a fake smile and act like I belong. But in my heart I feel like I'm still in Afghanistan. They tell me it's normal to feel so out of place. They smile and assure me that everything I feel is so normal. But I'm looking around and everyone looks so happy to be back. I frown and think to myself, "Why am I not happy? What's wrong with me?" 

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Yesterday it took every ounce of self control not to have a panic attack in the grocery store. The sheer amount of people alone in there frightened me. I feel like I was about to be ambushed. A sharp noise, a sudden movement, the deafening silence of it all- I feel like it's hard enough as it is without the memories to haunt me. 

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Maybe all I need is time. I'm tired of so many people telling me I can talk to them. I don't need someone to talk to, I just want someone there. I want someone there to hold my hand and tell me it's okay when I freak out. I don't want to talk about the things I saw. I don't want to talk about it. I wish I had that one person who understood that nothing needs to be said. Everything has been done, why drag back? 

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Things that should not be said aloud.

I have a lot of time to think these days, which isn't necessarily always a good thing. More often than not my thoughts drift to a certain gentleman. Sometimes I wonder why I made the choice to pursue the impossible. And I can't help but smile as the answer almost immediately pops into my mind. I chose the impossible because for once I felt like maybe I could be good for someone. The question of whether or not they'd be good for me never even crossed my mind. They fixed what was once broken inside of me. I used to shy away from so many potential gentlemen. I couldn't do anything for them, in my mind I was no good to anyone. Who would want a girl who could barely keep herself together? I felt broken beyond repair.  But he looked at me in a way I haven't known in years- I was someone who was worth something precious. 

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Forgive me for writing such soppy things. I miss him terribly right now.

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My dearest gentleman, you will probably not read this. I'm rambling right now and it makes no sense to anyone but I.

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I'm listening to the song you sang to me more than on one occasion. I'm remembering how shy I felt- I've never had anyone sing to me really. How you held my hand and kissed it lightly. How you watch me with curious eyes. How you told me my eyes were lovely even though I thought they were a dull brown. How you found me intelligent, beautiful, and witty. How you admired my strength and independence. Tell me, how is it that you make me feel like I did years ago? I used to think that silly girl who had eyes for only one died long ago and yet I find myself blushing when I think about all the cheesy things you told me.

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I loved how you called me 'Mi Amor'. I never told you this, but I was secretly thrilled every time you said it.   

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It was sweet that you sat on top of the hill, constantly worried about me going out on missions. The fact that you wore the charm while I was out did not go unnoticed. The fact that you were relieved to see me come back was felt by both of us every time. What meant the most to me was that you understood my pain of losing friends. That you knew this terrible burden I carried and helped me with it.

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I'm not saying this is going to last forever, or even that it will end tomorrow. I am grateful for what I have and each additional day is just a bonus for me. Even if it's far apart. I try my best not to compromise what I have with you, I don't want to jeopardize it. Even as I write this I know there are several others who wish they were you right now.  

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I'm giving this 100%. You deserve nothing less from me sir. My admiration and devotion is all yours. No one will take it from you.