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It's hard.

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Some days it's hard for me to function like a normal person.

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Some days I put on a fake smile and act like I belong. But in my heart I feel like I'm still in Afghanistan. They tell me it's normal to feel so out of place. They smile and assure me that everything I feel is so normal. But I'm looking around and everyone looks so happy to be back. I frown and think to myself, "Why am I not happy? What's wrong with me?" 

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Yesterday it took every ounce of self control not to have a panic attack in the grocery store. The sheer amount of people alone in there frightened me. I feel like I was about to be ambushed. A sharp noise, a sudden movement, the deafening silence of it all- I feel like it's hard enough as it is without the memories to haunt me. 

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Maybe all I need is time. I'm tired of so many people telling me I can talk to them. I don't need someone to talk to, I just want someone there. I want someone there to hold my hand and tell me it's okay when I freak out. I don't want to talk about the things I saw. I don't want to talk about it. I wish I had that one person who understood that nothing needs to be said. Everything has been done, why drag back?