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It's easy to love you. 

There isn't any effort on my end. I laugh loudly and grin like an idiot around you. And most people that know me would say I never ever grin like an idiot. I make stupid jokes and tease you. I'll cover you in kisses just because I feel like you need them. You always need them. I'll hold your hand because suddenly I just want to hold you.  

I like who I am when I'm with you. I make this serious genuine effort to be a better person. I tell myself not to break all my dishes because it will upset you. That I don't want to really break my dishes, that I need to control this terrible side of myself. I actually want to be better- I want to get over what haunts me every day. I want to do things I've never done before. I want to be normal, I want to be this great person who doesn't have a million problems. And I'm working so hard to fix them. I really am. I feel so proud of myself for not breaking down about Afghanistan lately. For not breaking anything in anger. 

You tell me I'm this incredibly strong person that has been through so much and I can overcome anything that comes my way. You also get sad and say that it bothers you that I don't let people help me. So one day I just started asking you to do things for me. "Tell me what you need. I want to help you." I remember you looking at me and just waiting. So we did laundry. And I couldn't stop laughing at how terrible you were at everything. Don't get me wrong though, I love your help. I love you being helpful. Please- keep doing it. 

I love you terribly. You, this giant pile of contradictions. You, who buys me this adorable ring for me. You, who kisses me sweetly and whispers terrible things. You, who tells me you won't stick around. You, who finds other people. Why did you had to go and try to find someone else? Was I not enough?

And when I think about it- it makes me sick to my stomach. But- I won't give up. I won't just walk away and pretend nothing happened. I don't regret anything. I made a declaration. I can't afford to have you walk away. I can't. 

Sometimes I think to myself. "Here is this girl that loves you. Actually really and truly loves you. And she'll do her damn best to make you happy. And if you need her she's there. And if you're sick she'll help. And if you're upset she'll try to make you happy. And she loves your company in and out of bed. And she tries so hard to be a better person for you. Why not pick her? Why look her over? Why not give her a chance? Why not risk being happy with her? Why not? You could do a lot worse. You could probably do better. But she loves so much. You know she does. She knows she does. She's known you for the better part of a year and slowly fell in love with you."

I don't say these things aloud though. I don't say a lot of things. I like to think little things like this are obvious and don't need to be said. Like the fact that you make me happy. I don't tell you that so much. 

There's so much I want to tell you. That I love you. That my stomach feels like it's all twisted up in nervousness. That I feel like I can't tell you everything because I'm so scared you'll walk out of my life. That I end up telling you everything anyway because I wouldn't lie to you. That you look adorable right now sleeping in that orange towel. That I want you to stay in my life. That I want to cry when I think about you walking out of it. That I like how we have so much in common. How I can describe how much I love books and you'll agree. How we can play games and you can tell me how terrible I am that them. How you put on your awkward boyfriend face and I want to laugh because it's adorable. That your drunk dancing is amusing. That you upset with black ops is cute. That you worrying is sad for me. That I want to make you happy. That- that I wonder if deep down you feel the same way I do. That maybe this small part of you wants to be with me. That there is no way I can feel such a connection to someone if they didn't feel the same way just a little bit. That I don't know if I'll share this with you. That I'm scared.  

If you say no. I'll just ask again. And again. It's only fair I get to ask. I don't care if you asked someone else. I'm asking you. Me who is right here.