_________

I admire people who follow their dreams. 

There's something beautiful about the struggle, the drive that pushes you past limits you thought could never be broken. I once got into an argument with a man who told me he would shoot for the moon but he would be content landing in the stars. It's a wildly popular quote which I've heard a million times. And yet for the first time I was offended.

"And you're okay with that?" I asked a bit too accusingly, "You're okay with just stars?"

He of course replied with a curt nod.

We went back and forth as he explained that trying his best was all that mattered. And for the first time I disagreed. What was the point in struggling my whole life and then finally giving up and settling? How could I live with myself knowing what I settled on was something I never wanted? How could I be content with anything less than what I wanted? 

And then it hit me what kind of person I truly was. I was someone who would keep going until their last breath for something I wanted more than anything. I would rather die trying than live wondering if I had just went a little further- would I have made it?

This person I have become after so many years of living, what a stubborn girl she is. I wonder when I became so strong willed. I wonder when doing my best wasn't good enough and I had to push myself even further.

What saddens me now though is that I can't think of any dreams I have now. My passion, my drive, my ambition- where did it all go?

Life- what a thorn in my side you are. I thrash and fight against you dragging me on and on. I'm struggling with breathing one second and the next you ask me to count off my dreams to you. What can I say? Make an excuse? Tell you how weak I feel? Admit that I feel defeated? That I would do anything to turn back the hands you are using to choke me now? I am forcing myself to be okay because of you, I am forcing my body to think it is healed, my mind to believe it isn't going insane, my heart that it isn't burdened with so much guilt and sorrow. 

Is it working? Sing me a song my love. Play a chorus for me. 

_____________

Buried Treasure.

Today I turn twenty four.

Today, I am overwhelmed by so much it feels like I can barely breathe.

God- why can't I be at ease? Will I be forever tormented by these things? Will I forever be haunted? Will I never get a true nights rest? Do I have to live with this regret? This burden that is so impossibly heavy I feel like I can barely make it through a day. 

Oh, a day doesn't go by that I don't break down at one point. I feel so dead inside. Are you happy? Are you happy I finally admitted it? 

I hate the way I am. I'm so scared of people now. Loud noises scare me, sudden anything scares me, I never feel safe anymore. I can't trust anyone. I lose my temper, I say things I don't mean, I end up losing all these things I care about.

Don't make me tell you what I saw.

Don't make me relive it. 

Why can't people just accept the fact that I want to forget it all more than anything? I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry I want to forget the people I cared about. I shame your memory. I'm dragging you through the mud because I'm just not strong enough to share it all. 

I'm such a fake. I'm not a strong person. I just fucking act okay. I'm so sorry, I loved you guys more than anything. You were my comrades, we walked those roads together. You had my back. Why wasn't I able to do that for you? Where did I go wrong? What was it that I missed? Was I not alert? Did I not ask the right things? Did I not talk to the right people? Did I not shoot in the right direction? Did I not step in the right places?

I feel horrible. Like a monster. It's been three and a half months since I got back.