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Buried Treasure.

Today I turn twenty four.

Today, I am overwhelmed by so much it feels like I can barely breathe.

God- why can't I be at ease? Will I be forever tormented by these things? Will I forever be haunted? Will I never get a true nights rest? Do I have to live with this regret? This burden that is so impossibly heavy I feel like I can barely make it through a day. 

Oh, a day doesn't go by that I don't break down at one point. I feel so dead inside. Are you happy? Are you happy I finally admitted it? 

I hate the way I am. I'm so scared of people now. Loud noises scare me, sudden anything scares me, I never feel safe anymore. I can't trust anyone. I lose my temper, I say things I don't mean, I end up losing all these things I care about.

Don't make me tell you what I saw.

Don't make me relive it. 

Why can't people just accept the fact that I want to forget it all more than anything? I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry I want to forget the people I cared about. I shame your memory. I'm dragging you through the mud because I'm just not strong enough to share it all. 

I'm such a fake. I'm not a strong person. I just fucking act okay. I'm so sorry, I loved you guys more than anything. You were my comrades, we walked those roads together. You had my back. Why wasn't I able to do that for you? Where did I go wrong? What was it that I missed? Was I not alert? Did I not ask the right things? Did I not talk to the right people? Did I not shoot in the right direction? Did I not step in the right places?

I feel horrible. Like a monster. It's been three and a half months since I got back.