On being a parent

I want to write about what it's like being a first time single mom. I want to talk about what it's like being a disabled veteran with severe PTSD trying to raise a child alone. I want to write what it's like being stuck with someone you don't like half the time and you just want to be alone for five minutes where a toddler and a blind old dog don't follow you into every room and you can't even take a shit or a shower without being hounded. 

I know I am not alone. I know it sounds awful of me to say sometimes I despise the both of them. I am a solitary person. I enjoy being alone. So having two unwanted things in my life make every day difficult. So many people told me to my face I couldn't handle this. That I wasn't capable of raising anyone and was a danger to myself and others. 

Maybe they are right. But maybe not. I don't know yet. Yes it is hard. Incredibly. It took all the self control in the world not to shake my baby when she was younger. I have yelled at her yes. In those moments where I didn't know where the formula money was going to come from and my self hatred for not being able to breast feed I yelled. I lost it and yelled and yelled and yelled. I was alone. I had no one to rely on but myself. Everyone says they are there for you. But let's face it. They have their own lives. Their own problems. 

I don't know how I made it this far. But I did. I have a healthy happy 11 month old. Soon to be a year on the 10th of December. 

How do I juggle a child and my PTSD? 

I don't know. It's hard. Harder than anything. I think it's easier to face war and deployment than raising another person. It was easier facing an abusive dad and an addicted mother growing up. 

Raising a kid takes all of me and much more. I am aging at an incredible pace. I feel physically old and sick. I am borrowing time and energy from my future self. 

To anyone struggling know you are not alone. But all we can do is flail.