Everything’s broken and nothing is where it’s supposed to be.

My first thought is I need to get everything (being all my thoughts) into order. Because I feel as if my mind is a jumbled mess. 

And getting it into order will help me express myself more clearly. And not be such a big mess of contradictions.

My second thought is that if I share this he won’t understand it anyway. Or that he won’t care. Or that will drive us further apart. So basically I can’t imagine anything good coming out of it.

I have to stop and ask myself two questions. 

One, do I still love him? Yes.

Two, do I want to end it? I don’t know.

To love someone but feel so unhappy. It’s tormenting. Every anxious feeling I had the first time around when things fell apart are coming back.

The lack of empathy cripples me. The lack of affection makes me feel lonely.

This isn’t to say I am not blameless, I freely take all the blame. I know what a twisted messed up person I am. I rightly realize I don’t deserve to be happy, that I should suffer every pain imaginable until I die.

Pausing for a second and reading this- truly can I ever overcome my guilt for being alive? Survivors guilt is such a bitch.

Knowing in my heart I don’t deserve happiness.

Knowing in my mind I want to be happy.

Knowing that despite my torn conflicting emotions something has to give.

I know why it’s so hard. I push and I push and I push so that I can be alone. So that I can’t hurt anyone else.

My doctor is right. I spent my whole childhood knowing it was my fault. That I was the source of conflict, that everything is better when I am not around.

Growing up hated by a parent. Having my earliest memories being always unwanted, always being told I am worthless, it’s increasingly difficult to hold any sense of self worth.

And when you feel as worthless as I do- and everyone is dying but you... God did I just make a connection?!

Growing up beaten constantly, being told how worthless I am, what a bad child I was. As a parent now it enrages me! What kind of parent would do that to a child?! Children deserve love. They need affection. 

My logical mind and twisted heart. Always conflicting. 

My survivors guilt is tenfold. Someone as worthless as me did not deserve to live compared to any other soldier I watch suffer loss of limb or life.

And I think to myself now- what value do I hold? Who here on earth holds any value for my life? For myself? 

I can only imagine my child. She truly loves me. And she is the only one I feel love from. If anything ever happened to her- I would kill myself without hesitation.

I started this because I wanted to sort out my feelings. Do I want to be in a relationship with the only man I ever really loved? Can it succeed despite my attempts at self sabotage?

Do I listen to my mind and end it now? My logical mind is screaming at me that I am not ready! That I have such a long way to go at being healthy!

My heart- all I can hear is crying. I can’t bear to listen to it anymore. 

If I try to reflect upon last night. Crying because everyone I had ever cared for in my life left me. Crying because many people friends and family are dead and I am alive. 

To receive no empathy. No love in my time of grief and loss and tears. 

Do I even deserve it?

What was I expecting? For someone in my life for the first time ever to tell me it was going to be okay?

For someone to say- 

I am here.

I love you.

I am here.

I acknowledge your pain.

When I read what I want to hear. It almost brings me to tears. 

Writing and reading this again- it just jumbles up my mind even more.

I can’t win.