It's amusing that it just takes one thing to ruin a day. One negative thing can just bring everything down. And no amount of distraction or positive energy can fix it.
Maybe I am doing things wrong. Maybe I am an insufferable fool. Maybe no one is telling me but I am an incredibly unlikable person.
Or maybe it's just not obvious how much it hurts to be me. I should try to be more vocal about how lonely it is to never have anyone to talk to, never have anything to do. I could go weeks at a time without interacting with another adult. It makes me want to kill myself.
It really does. But I don't. The only thing that stops me is that then Coraline will be alone. And she won't have anyone to talk to either. And she will be just as lonely as I am.
No one answers my phone calls or messages. If they do it's at the end of the day after the moment has passed or days later.
All week I was looking forward to visiting my aunt. My mom's big sister. I told her ahead of time and she said to let her know the day of. I called today.
"We're at the park!" She says.
I ask how long it will be.
"Well actually we are here for a baby shower. For Jane."
That's her son's wife. No one told me. No one invited me. How awkward. How painfully awkward.
"Well you can come if you want. Bring Cora! I want to see Cora."
"No, it's okay. We weren't invited. I don't even have a gift. It would be weird. Your son and his wife didn't invite me"
"No he just said you can come! It's okay come! Jane didn't invite a lot of people because she thought no one would come"
I didn't go. I told her I would contact her another time. It depressed me so much. I try so hard to be close to people. To just have a conversation with someone. And all day I have been holding in the tears and I just don't understand what I am doing wrong.
I miss my mom. She would call me every day. Ask me about my day. Remind me to eat. Talk about things that weren't important.
I miss having someone who cares about me. I miss having a family. Ah- I'm finally crying. And the tears are so bitter and they don't make me feel any better.
I hope when school starts this month I will finally be happy. I hope I will be busy and talk to people all the time! And I won't be so lonely and isolated from the whole world stuck in a corner with only a baby and a dog for company.
