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If I am honest, 100% honest with myself- will it help with recovery?

I'm afraid. 
   
I'm also filled with self loathing. 

I say I want to get better, I probably want to- heh. But I stop myself. I know why. I cling to my self hatred and caress it like an old lover. I won't ever let go of it you know.

I watch them die, one by one. Giving up on life at last. I watch them and I know.

I also know the secret- the secret every other service member like me has

My turn will come one day.

I see it, in their eyes, their actions. They long to be with the ones who passed before us. The burden becomes heavier and more painful. And with the loss of another person to share it with- it helps crumble even the strongest of us.

One day- I'll give up too. 

I don't know when I will. But it will happen. I'm a perfect candidate. 

How lonely it must be

I tell myself today is going to be a good day. And it did start off as one. It can't end like one though.

It's amusing that it just takes one thing to ruin a day. One negative thing can just bring everything down. And no amount of distraction or positive energy can fix it.

Maybe I am doing things wrong. Maybe I am an insufferable fool. Maybe no one is telling me but I am an incredibly unlikable person. 

Or maybe it's just not obvious how much it hurts to be me. I should try to be more vocal about how lonely it is to never have anyone to talk to, never have anything to do. I could go weeks at a time without interacting with another adult. It makes me want to kill myself.

It really does. But I don't. The only thing that stops me is that then Coraline will be alone. And she won't have anyone to talk to either. And she will be just as lonely as I am. 

No one answers my phone calls or messages. If they do it's at the end of the day after the moment has passed or days later.

All week I was looking forward to visiting my aunt. My mom's big sister. I told her ahead of time and she said to let her know the day of. I called today.

"We're at the park!" She says.

I ask how long it will be.

"Well actually we are here for a baby shower. For Jane."

That's her son's wife. No one told me. No one invited me. How awkward. How painfully awkward.

"Well you can come if you want. Bring Cora! I want to see Cora."

"No, it's okay. We weren't invited. I don't even have a gift. It would be weird. Your son and his wife didn't invite me"

"No he just said you can come! It's okay come! Jane didn't invite a lot of people because she thought no one would come"

I didn't go. I told her I would contact her another time. It depressed me so much. I try so hard to be close to people. To just have a conversation with someone. And all day I have been holding in the tears and I just don't understand what I am doing wrong.

I miss my mom. She would call me every day. Ask me about my day. Remind me to eat. Talk about things that weren't important.

I miss having someone who cares about me. I miss having a family. Ah- I'm finally crying. And the tears are so bitter and they don't make me feel any better.

I hope when school starts this month I will finally be happy. I hope I will be busy and talk to people all the time! And I won't be so lonely and isolated from the whole world stuck in a corner with only a baby and a dog for company.