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If I am honest, 100% honest with myself- will it help with recovery?

I'm afraid. 
   
I'm also filled with self loathing. 

I say I want to get better, I probably want to- heh. But I stop myself. I know why. I cling to my self hatred and caress it like an old lover. I won't ever let go of it you know.

I watch them die, one by one. Giving up on life at last. I watch them and I know.

I also know the secret- the secret every other service member like me has

My turn will come one day.

I see it, in their eyes, their actions. They long to be with the ones who passed before us. The burden becomes heavier and more painful. And with the loss of another person to share it with- it helps crumble even the strongest of us.

One day- I'll give up too. 

I don't know when I will. But it will happen. I'm a perfect candidate.