_______

I miss you mama

Every day I wake up and I am so scared. I don't know what I am doing. I always feel like I am making mistakes. I wish you were still here so badly. 

I want to go back mama. I want to go back and beg you to stay with me or take me with you. I need you so much. Why did you leave me all alone? 

I remember when we finally got to Fremont. It was the anniversary of my friends death. Do you remember holding me so tight while I was crying mama? I was crying so much because I had this huge hole in my life that nothing could fill. No one understood my pain. 

And you just held me and let me cry and you looked so broken over your child. 

Why did I go off to war mama? Why did I leave you? Me, who is your daughter? Why didn't I stay? Why was I so stupid? Ryan turned out to be worth nothing. You were right mama. He was a coward. And I'm stuck here mama. I can't get out of this. I cant just turn my back on my country and say, "Okay I am done now goodbye."

But it's too late now. You are gone now. 

I wish I was gone with you too. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. Who will I tell all the silly things to? I try to talk to other people every day but it isn't the same. I don't have their attention like I have yours. The way you stop everything you are doing just to listen to me and your eyes are smiling as you tell me how silly I am. We would talk for hours. 

I miss that. I miss telling you things. I pray every night almost asking Jesus to tell you I love you so very much. I wonder if he lets you know. I know there is no suffering in Heaven so I don't think He tells you. Otherwise it will make you very sad that I am crying so much over you. And you will get mad and tell Jesus to let you come back because your babies are crying. I will try to be strong for you mama. I won't cry. Not in front of anyone.

Please don't worry for me mama. I am taking care of Monkey and Erika and Jesse. I can't take care of Lupe though mama. Will you bug God to tell Lupe to come back to God? I worry about him mama. I worry for Emily too. Who will remind her about God?

I love you mama.

-Your Lucy. 

Because it should be said while I am still alive.

If something shall ever happen to me, I do not want things to happen I know I would not approve of.

Don't let 'that' family attend. Do not let them anywhere near you or me. Don't even bother informing them. The only ones I care about are you three younger ones and mom's side. Everyone else can suck it. Do not let them speak on my behalf- none of them really knew me like you guys did.

Why do I say this? Because the bullshit statement not realizing how important someone is to you till they die is the worst! The people I love- they know who they are and I make sure to talk to those specific people as often as I can. If I love you- I will tell you. 

You can keep everything if you want Chicken Noodle. I don't really care what you do or how you do it. Although the army will help you. Everything will be free if you let them take care of it. A soldiers funeral is not a bad one. 

I can't stand to think of the fact that nasty aunts will pick flowers we do not love. A headstone that is sad.  A burial plot next to people I don't even care for. A ceremony full of fake smiles making up stories that aren't real. 

I'm writing this now because I can't stop thinking about mom.

She would want us to laugh. She would tell us she doesn't care what other people think. She would tell us to celebrate with a bad movie and awesome 24 hour burrito places because we should be rejoicing. 

Even if I do miss her. 

If it happens- rejoice. Cry and cry and cry and then make stupid jokes and eat food that is bad for you and watch my stupid youtube videos and complain how mean I was growing up.

Yesterday I was so close to finally breaking down.

Instead of lashing out in anger (like dad)

Instead of laying down and never wanting to be awake (like mom)

I went on a rampage and bought four giraffe shirts and one pair of giraffe socks.

It's so weird that I am so fond of mom's favorite animal. 

They have funny tongues. 

And if that damned man who claims to be my father is still alive feel free to spit in his face. What an ass. I hope he's miserable forever.