Because it should be said while I am still alive.

If something shall ever happen to me, I do not want things to happen I know I would not approve of.

Don't let 'that' family attend. Do not let them anywhere near you or me. Don't even bother informing them. The only ones I care about are you three younger ones and mom's side. Everyone else can suck it. Do not let them speak on my behalf- none of them really knew me like you guys did.

Why do I say this? Because the bullshit statement not realizing how important someone is to you till they die is the worst! The people I love- they know who they are and I make sure to talk to those specific people as often as I can. If I love you- I will tell you. 

You can keep everything if you want Chicken Noodle. I don't really care what you do or how you do it. Although the army will help you. Everything will be free if you let them take care of it. A soldiers funeral is not a bad one. 

I can't stand to think of the fact that nasty aunts will pick flowers we do not love. A headstone that is sad.  A burial plot next to people I don't even care for. A ceremony full of fake smiles making up stories that aren't real. 

I'm writing this now because I can't stop thinking about mom.

She would want us to laugh. She would tell us she doesn't care what other people think. She would tell us to celebrate with a bad movie and awesome 24 hour burrito places because we should be rejoicing. 

Even if I do miss her. 

If it happens- rejoice. Cry and cry and cry and then make stupid jokes and eat food that is bad for you and watch my stupid youtube videos and complain how mean I was growing up.

Yesterday I was so close to finally breaking down.

Instead of lashing out in anger (like dad)

Instead of laying down and never wanting to be awake (like mom)

I went on a rampage and bought four giraffe shirts and one pair of giraffe socks.

It's so weird that I am so fond of mom's favorite animal. 

They have funny tongues. 

And if that damned man who claims to be my father is still alive feel free to spit in his face. What an ass. I hope he's miserable forever.