Before I make a Mistake

I have a daughter. Her name is Coraline. Do you know how many months went into thinking about her name? About five. For five months after I found out she was a girl and not a boy (like I wanted) I debated endlessly. 

And after I met her I realized the name suits her perfectly. She's just as adventurous and easily bored. Although on my end I admit naming your child after a mistype in a book might be on par with naming your child Blanket or Apple. Not as bad- but still pretty terrible. Everyone mispronounces her name and I feel awful for it. I wonder how she will feel about it in the future. Only time will tell. 

I know I can do better with her. I know I can be a better parent. More understanding. Spend more quality time with her.Teach her things and encourage that natural curiosity of hers. I don't though. Being pregnant alone was exhausting. I spent a majority of the nights on Google typing "Single and Pregnant" or "Pregnant and alone" only to find that everyone suggested to surround yourself by friends and family. And I had none. I was literally alone. As in there was no one.

The exhaustion of pregnancy gave way to the exhaustion of being a new and still single mom. That in itself was horrible. I dislike both pregnancy and babies immensely. 

And now that I have this new toddler I am looking at her warily wondering where we go from here. 

Everyone talks about how wonderful it all is. How life changing.

I agree on only the second part so far. 

Now excuse me while I clean up all the clutter on the floor for the millionth time. 

The Rut Known as Life

Today was one of those days where problems come all at once as usual. Why can't small problems happen every once in awhile instead of dog piling? Its like life is out to get you- ready to beat you senseless with a stick.

But later on after putting off going back to the University for ages I finally did it, I applied and promised myself I would go. And I sat down with a friend and solved one math problem after another. I wish life was as easy as solving math. Not that math was easy. We had to google five of the ten questions for steps on how to solve them. But it felt so good figuring everything out and feeling confident about our answers. 

It was a perfect. 100%.

Unfortunately life is messy. My rent is going up, the pet fees are going way up. The United States government was a victim of a cyber attack and now all of my personal information is out there in the world being abused by God knows who. I already had my bank account compromised once. My ex won't help with our child and regards us with such disdain it constantly makes me feel physically ill. My PTSD and anxiety plagues me constantly. At any given moment I fell frustrated and stress out for the smallest things. 

I am a broken record.

This needs to be fixed. But how?