_________

Oh lately it's so quiet, in this place
I don't think much about you anymore
But if you're not here lurking behind every corner
I'm wondering, who's house are you haunting tonight?

-OKGO

I think one of the second saddest moments in life is when you have to part ways with someone. I say second because all the firsts in life are incredibly too tragic for you to understand unless you've been through them before.

Every fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending.

But every beautiful moment in life stays beautiful to you no matter what. Like Christmas, Christmas was always beautiful. I still remember the ornament I gave to an old ex boyfriend.

I remember thinking we'll be together forever. I remember him thinking the same things too. I remember all the secrets we would share with each other, all our hopes and fears and dreams wrapped up in one great wish for a better life together.

That wish still resonates in the back of my heart somewhere. I still remember his name, the little things I'd do that would make him smile. The way his number would flash on my phone would make my day better even before I'd answer it.

But the painful things are still there too, I remember leaving him. I remember making up lies because the truth was too painful. I could never face him and tell him the truth, how could I? Could you my dear reader face someone and tell them you didn't love them anymore? That one day you just woke up and it was all gone? Could you bear hearing those words? I couldn't bear it, I'm not strong enough to survive those words. And my dear reader I knew he wasn't either.

But the love of my life then isn't the same one now. The one I loved for the past two years I still love now.

I love you, I love you, I love you. I'm not perfect but I love you. I'd give up everything for you. Let this love be true, let everything work out and end right this time. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Don't let us screw this one up. We deserve to be happy.

Why did it have to end this way?

The pain is still fresh in my heart now, I have too many conflicting emotions I cannot help but taste the bitterness in my mouth.

"I want nothing to do with you."

How could I say that? I love you!

"I'm tired of all your lies."

Please don't let it all fall apart, I love you, i love you, i love you.

"I asked for one thing and one thing only. I asked you to stop hanging out with them. They don't make you into a better person. They aren't even your friends. Do you like who you are now? Do you like waking up in a strangers home? Do you like getting wasted and not remembering anything?"

...ah the tears don't stop even now.

"Don't do it again."
Don't do it again.

Obviously if you love someone, you forgive them. And I did.

Obviously if you love someone, you wouldn't do it again. The fear of losing the one special person in your life is too great.

OBVIOUSLY.

But he does it again.

And I end up becoming a mess, crying all over again. Who is this person? I don't know them anymore.

I broke up with them.

They say we aren't over.

It hurts, my heart hurts so much.

I love you too my shining star, I love you so much. I didn't want this for us. We were supposed to make it. We were supposed to make it!

I'm so mad at you. Why did you go back there again? You promised you wouldn't do it again. You did though and your phone betrays you. Isn't it funny? Your phone loves going off in your pocket, and it went off again and I wake up at midnight hearing it and answer.

You realized it all too soon and turned the phone right off.

And I realized it too.

And I called an old mutual friend of ours.

And I could tell you were there, but didn't want to admit it.

"Hello? Hey Stephanie! Ryan? Oh he's right here, did you want to talk to him?"