__________

If I was to speak with your brother:

~

Yesterday I went to a funeral for a soldier who died, but it wasn't like any other funeral you'd ever see. This one was in Afghanistan. I arrived to see dozens of people sitting and my heart skipped a beat. I froze. Should I sit? Should I stand off to the side? Should I look for someone I know? In the end the First Sargent spots me and gives me a hug letting me know he is glad I came. That everyone is glad I came. I don't belong to this company- but this is a fact no one seems to notice. I sit next to someone I know and they seem surprised to see me. The service goes by and I feel like all of this is a dream.

~

What hit me most though is that the way this company was described- it was how everyone described me. Even when someone gets blown up in front of you and loses three of their four limbs and gets hauled away- you push on. They'll ask if you can still continue on the mission. All you do is smile and say, "I got this." Because let's face it- if you don't, who will?

~

I've spent my whole life fighting.

Fighting for freedom of the tyranny that is my father's.

Fighting to go to college and get a degree.

Fighting to have the ability to live my my own.

Fighting to keep it that way even when I became homeless.

Fighting to help my mom and her three other kids in any way I could.

Fighting- for the whole country.

~

I've never ran away. I don't see why I should start now. Life is really hard sometimes. People tell me how they want to throw in the towel. When I went through Basic and AIT those thoughts never crossed my mind. I've never wanted to quit. I was always a person who saw things to the end. I was a person of my word.

~

When you go off the wire your pack is heavy. And you think to yourself, "Fuck- why did I pack such and such? Did I really need that shit?" You're sweating water faster than you can drink it and it's 108 degrees. Hotter still because you're in full kit. The ground scares you more than anything. It could blow up in your face and take off your legs before you can count to one. Gunfire will cause you to duck and immediately look for the source. You don't know which locals you can trust and which ones are dirty bastards.

~

And someone will turn to you and ask if you're good. And you just smile and say, "Please- I can out walk you anyway." But in reality you know you're prone to heat injuries. You hate the fact your body can't handle the heat. You pour a bottle of water over your hair and down your back hoping you can keep yourself cool. You force yourself to eat despite the fact that the heat has made you nauseous.

~

Your shoulders are sore, you haven't showered in days. Sometimes you wonder if you can keep this up for six more months. Then your brain gets confused because you can't even imagine past tonight. And your head won't stop fucking itching and here come some kids. You're feeling around your kit remembering you have candy. You can't help but feel a twinge of love for them sometimes. They don't know any better- this is the only world they know.

~

So why did I write this to you? To remind you that I know sometimes life is hard. Sometimes we make choices and we can't figure out if they're right or not. Sometimes we wonder what the hell the future is going to be like and we can't imagine past next Tuesday. So you quit the Police Academy after two days. So your whole family is disappointed in you. So you've become a failure to everyone around you and you've shut yourself away in your room.

~

What's next?

~

Maybe you don't want to be a police anymore. Maybe you don't know what the fuck you want to do. Maybe you're scared. Maybe you're disappointed with your life and how it turned out. You can bet a pretty penny I sure as hell didn't know I would end up across the world in a country so war torn the very ground I walked on was exhausted and bitter. I'm not knocking you for your choices- no one is going to understand them except you. And no matter what you do you can't make them understand you. You think my family supported me enlisting? HELL NO.

~

I just want you to know that you need to live the life you want to. A wasted life is a depressing thing. Don't live it for the people around you trying to make them happy, don't live it just to get by. Live it because life was meant to be lived. When I get back I want to finish my service. I want to see parts of the world I've only ever read about in books. I want to go listen to an orchestra and enjoy music. I want to kiss and hug my family and let them know I did all of this for them. I'm living life- and I have never regretted a single damn thing. I do not regret coming to this country. Every day I make a difference to save some one's life and sometimes coworkers pull me aside and say, "You can't save everyone private."

~

"No, but like the starfish story- if I can make a difference for at least one person...it was fucking worth it."