________

Everyone thinks I'm safe here- everyone thinks I'll stop thinking about what I've seen. That I'll magically turn into the person I used to be.

That I'll be okay again. The thing is no matter where I go- you and I both know that I'll be forever haunted by this. And no mater where you go- you'll be haunted too. But I told myself as long as I had you three- I would be okay.

To me you were my safety net. When I fell asleep I was always between you guys. You were always there making sure I was okay and I was there to make sure you were okay. Out of everyone I met in Afghanistan you three were the most important to me, you guys were my safety net. I remember you laid down next to me and I was so scared. I remember if I felt like I was lacking strength you would remind me that I had it in me to keep going. And I want to hope I did the same for you. That it was a burden we mutually shared.

I know you guys have gone out since I left- I know you've probably seen more than you wanted to. You probably want it to stop- you don't need more than you've already got. No one needs to see more. I wish I could take a bigger chunk of your burden.

I love you. I do. You know I love you.

I found out last night one of the people who died was my friend. The guys back where you are came up here to tell me the bad news. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I remember trying to smile and telling myself to breathe in and out. If I didn't remind myself to breathe I thought I was going to die. I feel so numb right now. I wish I was with you right now. No one here can comfort me. None of these people have walked everywhere with me, none of these people held me at night when I felt I was falling apart. None of these people can understand this haunting feeling. None of them saw what we saw.

Our mutual friend B wrote me. He told me you guys weren't okay. I told him I couldn't make you feel any better- but I can damn sure share your burden with you.

If anything happens to you guys- I will not be able to recover. More than anything I wish I was there with you.