If something shall ever happen to me, I do not want things to happen I know I would not approve of.
Don't let 'that' family attend. Do not let them anywhere near you or me. Don't even bother informing them. The only ones I care about are you three younger ones and mom's side. Everyone else can suck it. Do not let them speak on my behalf- none of them really knew me like you guys did.
Why do I say this? Because the bullshit statement not realizing how important someone is to you till they die is the worst! The people I love- they know who they are and I make sure to talk to those specific people as often as I can. If I love you- I will tell you.
You can keep everything if you want Chicken Noodle. I don't really care what you do or how you do it. Although the army will help you. Everything will be free if you let them take care of it. A soldiers funeral is not a bad one.
I can't stand to think of the fact that nasty aunts will pick flowers we do not love. A headstone that is sad. A burial plot next to people I don't even care for. A ceremony full of fake smiles making up stories that aren't real.
I'm writing this now because I can't stop thinking about mom.
She would want us to laugh. She would tell us she doesn't care what other people think. She would tell us to celebrate with a bad movie and awesome 24 hour burrito places because we should be rejoicing.
Even if I do miss her.
If it happens- rejoice. Cry and cry and cry and then make stupid jokes and eat food that is bad for you and watch my stupid youtube videos and complain how mean I was growing up.
Yesterday I was so close to finally breaking down.
Instead of lashing out in anger (like dad)
Instead of laying down and never wanting to be awake (like mom)
I went on a rampage and bought four giraffe shirts and one pair of giraffe socks.
It's so weird that I am so fond of mom's favorite animal.
They have funny tongues.
And if that damned man who claims to be my father is still alive feel free to spit in his face. What an ass. I hope he's miserable forever.
8.19.2013
_________
It can never be what you want it to be-
You know that- right? That singular passion you saw, that sweet adoration, that innocent love, that pure longing for their soul mate... it will never be yours.
It's like adopting a stray dog that years and abuse has taken it's toll on and expecting it to act like a sweet newborn pup.
They'll flinch away from you if you raise your hand. They are skittish and untrusting of all humans. They might be blind and bite at you in self defense even if you meant no harm to them. Do you remember Monkey biting you? You and I both know that you just wanted her to move over so I could drive- that she would be safer in your arms than roaming the car freely.
She's scared of everything. She bites at anything- she doesn't trust. She hesitates with every step- unsure of where is safe to walk. She's blind as hell.
But even after knowing me for years she loves me. She knows my voice, my touch, my smell. I am her owner. She knows that I would never try and harm her.
She goes into seizures sometimes. I always scoop her up into my arms right away and coo soft loving words into her ears. I stroke her fur- mumble how much I love her and how wonderful she is.
Even with moments like that I feel like I fail her still when I try to reach out to her and she yelps in pain as if I have struck her. It breaks my heart when it happens because I feel so rejected. But afterward she curls up next to me as if all is forgiven. We fall asleep and all is right with the world again.
One day it will be like that for us. You probably think it's silly comparing my persona with my pet. But other than my mother I relate to her best. She was rescued from an abusive owner- we gave her more love than what she knew what to do with. And slowly day by day I got to watch her open up into the beautiful dog she is now.
You know that- right? That singular passion you saw, that sweet adoration, that innocent love, that pure longing for their soul mate... it will never be yours.
It's like adopting a stray dog that years and abuse has taken it's toll on and expecting it to act like a sweet newborn pup.
They'll flinch away from you if you raise your hand. They are skittish and untrusting of all humans. They might be blind and bite at you in self defense even if you meant no harm to them. Do you remember Monkey biting you? You and I both know that you just wanted her to move over so I could drive- that she would be safer in your arms than roaming the car freely.
She's scared of everything. She bites at anything- she doesn't trust. She hesitates with every step- unsure of where is safe to walk. She's blind as hell.
But even after knowing me for years she loves me. She knows my voice, my touch, my smell. I am her owner. She knows that I would never try and harm her.
She goes into seizures sometimes. I always scoop her up into my arms right away and coo soft loving words into her ears. I stroke her fur- mumble how much I love her and how wonderful she is.
Even with moments like that I feel like I fail her still when I try to reach out to her and she yelps in pain as if I have struck her. It breaks my heart when it happens because I feel so rejected. But afterward she curls up next to me as if all is forgiven. We fall asleep and all is right with the world again.
One day it will be like that for us. You probably think it's silly comparing my persona with my pet. But other than my mother I relate to her best. She was rescued from an abusive owner- we gave her more love than what she knew what to do with. And slowly day by day I got to watch her open up into the beautiful dog she is now.
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