_________

Should I start here?

....

I  married a man I did not love.
I told myself I was doing what was best for my family.

Now- I have no family other than the man I married. Time is slowly moving forward- dragging me with it. I don't cry all the time like I used to.

Ask me if I am finally getting better.

Just kidding.

Ask me why I take so many pills at night just to get a decent night's rest?

Because she haunts me. Day and night she haunts me. Demanding me to relive every single moment in pain and agony. I cannot breathe- I cannot breathe- I AM DYING.

'Why do you torture yourself? ` My husband asks. `You NEED to stop`

I don't do it on purpose I plead. I don't want to think about HER. ABOUT ANYONE. I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend none of this is me. None of this is my past- my life- my future.

It all dies with me. Every single moment up to now dies with me. I will not tell you of the blood- the guilt- the cries of agony. Why should you be my confidant? Why should I tell you of things you will never understand?

I want to die.

I know you hate it when I say it but I do. I cannot live in this world without HER without THEM. I take so many pills so I don't feel anything. I don't think about HER or THEM. The pills- they relax me so that I do not want to die. So that I do not think of my great loss.

What good am I?

What have I done?
I don't care.
Say what you will but I do not care.
I am nothing without her. I failed HER. I failed THEM. I do nothing but disappoint the people in my life and let them die as I stand on the sidelines. I push everyone away because I am so afraid of losing them.

I rather you walked away from me in anger and safe than- than to lose you. To lose anyone else in my life. Can't you see I don't feel anything anymore because I don't want to?
Can't you see if I don't take those stupid pills I might as well be dead after all?

I hate myself so much. I hate myself more than anything.