Before I make a Mistake

I have a daughter. Her name is Coraline. Do you know how many months went into thinking about her name? About five. For five months after I found out she was a girl and not a boy (like I wanted) I debated endlessly. 

And after I met her I realized the name suits her perfectly. She's just as adventurous and easily bored. Although on my end I admit naming your child after a mistype in a book might be on par with naming your child Blanket or Apple. Not as bad- but still pretty terrible. Everyone mispronounces her name and I feel awful for it. I wonder how she will feel about it in the future. Only time will tell. 

I know I can do better with her. I know I can be a better parent. More understanding. Spend more quality time with her.Teach her things and encourage that natural curiosity of hers. I don't though. Being pregnant alone was exhausting. I spent a majority of the nights on Google typing "Single and Pregnant" or "Pregnant and alone" only to find that everyone suggested to surround yourself by friends and family. And I had none. I was literally alone. As in there was no one.

The exhaustion of pregnancy gave way to the exhaustion of being a new and still single mom. That in itself was horrible. I dislike both pregnancy and babies immensely. 

And now that I have this new toddler I am looking at her warily wondering where we go from here. 

Everyone talks about how wonderful it all is. How life changing.

I agree on only the second part so far. 

Now excuse me while I clean up all the clutter on the floor for the millionth time. 

The Rut Known as Life

Today was one of those days where problems come all at once as usual. Why can't small problems happen every once in awhile instead of dog piling? Its like life is out to get you- ready to beat you senseless with a stick.

But later on after putting off going back to the University for ages I finally did it, I applied and promised myself I would go. And I sat down with a friend and solved one math problem after another. I wish life was as easy as solving math. Not that math was easy. We had to google five of the ten questions for steps on how to solve them. But it felt so good figuring everything out and feeling confident about our answers. 

It was a perfect. 100%.

Unfortunately life is messy. My rent is going up, the pet fees are going way up. The United States government was a victim of a cyber attack and now all of my personal information is out there in the world being abused by God knows who. I already had my bank account compromised once. My ex won't help with our child and regards us with such disdain it constantly makes me feel physically ill. My PTSD and anxiety plagues me constantly. At any given moment I fell frustrated and stress out for the smallest things. 

I am a broken record.

This needs to be fixed. But how? 

On being a parent

I want to write about what it's like being a first time single mom. I want to talk about what it's like being a disabled veteran with severe PTSD trying to raise a child alone. I want to write what it's like being stuck with someone you don't like half the time and you just want to be alone for five minutes where a toddler and a blind old dog don't follow you into every room and you can't even take a shit or a shower without being hounded. 

I know I am not alone. I know it sounds awful of me to say sometimes I despise the both of them. I am a solitary person. I enjoy being alone. So having two unwanted things in my life make every day difficult. So many people told me to my face I couldn't handle this. That I wasn't capable of raising anyone and was a danger to myself and others. 

Maybe they are right. But maybe not. I don't know yet. Yes it is hard. Incredibly. It took all the self control in the world not to shake my baby when she was younger. I have yelled at her yes. In those moments where I didn't know where the formula money was going to come from and my self hatred for not being able to breast feed I yelled. I lost it and yelled and yelled and yelled. I was alone. I had no one to rely on but myself. Everyone says they are there for you. But let's face it. They have their own lives. Their own problems. 

I don't know how I made it this far. But I did. I have a healthy happy 11 month old. Soon to be a year on the 10th of December. 

How do I juggle a child and my PTSD? 

I don't know. It's hard. Harder than anything. I think it's easier to face war and deployment than raising another person. It was easier facing an abusive dad and an addicted mother growing up. 

Raising a kid takes all of me and much more. I am aging at an incredible pace. I feel physically old and sick. I am borrowing time and energy from my future self. 

To anyone struggling know you are not alone. But all we can do is flail.