________

Everyone thinks I'm safe here- everyone thinks I'll stop thinking about what I've seen. That I'll magically turn into the person I used to be.

That I'll be okay again. The thing is no matter where I go- you and I both know that I'll be forever haunted by this. And no mater where you go- you'll be haunted too. But I told myself as long as I had you three- I would be okay.

To me you were my safety net. When I fell asleep I was always between you guys. You were always there making sure I was okay and I was there to make sure you were okay. Out of everyone I met in Afghanistan you three were the most important to me, you guys were my safety net. I remember you laid down next to me and I was so scared. I remember if I felt like I was lacking strength you would remind me that I had it in me to keep going. And I want to hope I did the same for you. That it was a burden we mutually shared.

I know you guys have gone out since I left- I know you've probably seen more than you wanted to. You probably want it to stop- you don't need more than you've already got. No one needs to see more. I wish I could take a bigger chunk of your burden.

I love you. I do. You know I love you.

I found out last night one of the people who died was my friend. The guys back where you are came up here to tell me the bad news. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I remember trying to smile and telling myself to breathe in and out. If I didn't remind myself to breathe I thought I was going to die. I feel so numb right now. I wish I was with you right now. No one here can comfort me. None of these people have walked everywhere with me, none of these people held me at night when I felt I was falling apart. None of these people can understand this haunting feeling. None of them saw what we saw.

Our mutual friend B wrote me. He told me you guys weren't okay. I told him I couldn't make you feel any better- but I can damn sure share your burden with you.

If anything happens to you guys- I will not be able to recover. More than anything I wish I was there with you.

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ALL IS not LOST

I worked hard to get where I am today.

No one can say I didn't earn everything I have. I grew up in a dysfunctional home which make most people shake their head but in my mind it's normal. It was all I knew. I won't repeat the mistakes my father made.

I went to school- got educated. Met a boy- fell in love. Didn't work out but it's okay. I'm in no rush to meet someone who I can spend the rest of my life with.

Was homeless for awhile- oh boy that was fun. Don't think I want to go down that road again, no matter how humbling it was.

Went to enlist- traveled across the world to a place I would have never dreamed I'd set foot on. Seen bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. It's life. Traveled across the beauty that is known as Panjwai. 

I've meet all sorts of people. Some I can't remember a thing about and others are forever imprinted in my heart and mind.

Some people think I'm not okay right now.

I just want to laugh and laugh and laugh when they say that.

If anyone goes through what I will forever call the unspeakable march and is okay I will call them crazy. Only a fool or a heartless person could be perfectly fine.

I'm still naive in so many ways. I still have so much to learn. I won't stay in the military. I won't make a career out of this. I'll go somewhere else in life and see where that takes me. I'll finish my degree, I'll travel the world, I'll sing and dance and love and live and cry and laugh and kill and be killed.  And I'll never stop learning.

The only thing I need is the continued strength to endure everything that comes my way. It only makes me stronger.