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You hesitated before you answered. But it was an answer I wanted to hear.

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Was it needed? Was it genuine?

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I don't know.

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A moment passes and I wonder out loud if you'll ask the same of me. You shrug and say there's no need to.

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Is it that obvious? Am I so vulnerable that everything I feel flickers across my face?

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My dearest wicked widow. Where have your masks gone? Where is your cruelty? What happen to no compassion? What happen to your web of lies and deception? You were once a reigning queen, when they bowed their noses would touch the floor. Every single one of them was a prisoner, willing and foolish.

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And now it is you that is the fool. Stupid, stupid, girl. Some how against all odds you've regained that innocent shy smile, those sweet honest eyes...

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I thought I lost you years ago.

_________

I once read, "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

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I sat back and thought about it long and hard. I have made many choices in life (not all of them being smart) and I often found myself walking away.

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(Today is one of those rare moments in life I find myself not thinking about this hellhole I am in. Today I am thinking about normal everyday worries. Which is a nice change of pace.)

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It is almost two in the morning, I have waited for something I am now almost certain will not happen and find myself at a loss. How did I get myself into such a terrible situation? Why do I even bother anymore? This is such a tricky business sometimes. You are walking down a path that splits so many times in so many directions it's like tree roots spreading far and wide. I often find myself second guessing every thought I voice, every action I proceed with, and every expression that escapes my face- exposing what I truly feel.

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Since when was I so insecure? Since when do I let something get to me? Am I feeling ordinary right now? Of course not. Do not reply to me my dearest- only listen to what I have the need to get off my chest.

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I am a fool- through and through. Do not tell me otherwise. This choice I made was one made knowing the end consequences. It ends with me sitting so poised and perfecting watching the seconds tick by. Seconds I will never get back. Seconds I wasted waiting. Seconds that I could have given to someone else. Instead they went to no one.

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Do not reply my dearest; do not attempt to share wise words or south my aching soul.

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I have walked away from scores of people. I could not love them. They were nothing but ordinary to me. Even now still I find myself cringing at the thought. How ill of me to think myself better than that. How cruel am I to walk away from a golden opportunity. But I did- and I would do it over and over just to prove a point.

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I stopped for one though dearest. I took my coat and hanged it up at a place I find myself all too familiar with. I am sitting here waiting and wondering what I was thinking at the time I decided to hang up my coat. Perhaps it was time. Perhaps I was tired of wandering. Perhaps I thought it was a good place to stretch out and let my guard down.

~

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Do I regret it? Ha, no of course not. But sooner or later I have to stop being so indecisive and make a decision. Sooner...I suppose.