Moon!

Most days are bad. Like today- it's just not a good day for me. I wonder when I will finally have my good day. When everything isn't putting me into the worst mood ever. 

If I had to live with a copy of myself I think I would go crazy. I already drive myself crazy as it is. Why can't anything make me happy? Why am I always so fucking depressed? Why can't I just get on with my life and over my PTSD?

It's so stupid. I wish I could wave a magic wand and just be OKAY. I don't want to be awesome or fantastic- I just want a damn passing grade.

It's been so long since I have confided in you old friend. Let me think on what I should update you with.

Coraline is 2 now. She turns 3 December 10th. Terrible twos are the worst. Nothing makes my kid happy either. Jesus am I rubbing off on her or is she rubbing off on me? 

Monkey turned 11 today. Happy birthday old doggo~

I move next month on the 15th of July. I am more than looking forward to it.

My mom was supposed to turn 49 today. I bought a really expensive cake and sang to my stupid dog. The cake was under-baked and I got into a fight with my brother in law like I always do. What a fucking selfish prick. Everything is his- nothing I do is good enough and he is never grateful. I'm struggling with bills and they just live rent free willy nilly.

Fuck you too buddy. YOU ARE WELCOME FOR THE HELP YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE.

Coraline and I just got back from Target. After we parked she pointed to the sky and yelled, "MOON!"

I looked up at the sky and there it was- all bright and shit. 

Yeah thats a fucking moon alright Cora, good job.

Friendships you wish you never lost

Do you ever find yourself thinking about people from your past? Wondering where life look them and if it was kind enough to treat them well? 


I haven't talked to you since I said everything was okay. What a fantastic liar I was. I knew you needed to hear it. Your conscious would never stopped bothering you otherwise. I remember every little thing like it was yesterday. How scary it all was. How we created this tiny world only a select few got to live in. How happy we all were-

How it wasn't real. And every time you left I was alone to face the monsters. The bad things don't stand out nearly as much as the good. Nothing can possibly outweigh the good in you old friend. It's been years. 

I'm thinking about your troubles when I last saw you. In and out of the doctors office and so frustrated. You told me you were legitimately angry. That the doctor couldn't possibly understand you were mad at people for their incompetence instead of something deeper. 

I remember shuffling my boots. Looking down at them really hard. Like they were the most interesting thing in the damn world. You were angry. I knew you were. I nodded my head. Yes. That doctor is so dumb. 

I knew the reality. Yes those people were the worst. But you were angry the most at yourself. You were angry at what you did to our tiny world. You took a fucking baseball bat and shattered it. Jumped up and down and stomped the shit out of it. 

Months passed and I finally reached out to you again. Hello B. I forgive you. B please stop being so angry. Stop blaming yourself. 

The relief I heard on the other end was like this huge weight finally slipped off your shoulders. Thank you. Thank you I really needed that. I'm sorry. It was out of my hands.

Today old friend I find myself thinking about you. And the small gift I gave you. Embedded was a tiny lie. I couldn't bear to see you so miserable. I wish that I could tell you now that tiny lie is finally a truth. 

I hope one day you reach out to me and your other friends. I hope you are happy. You deserve it. Even if you think you should still be punished for what you did all those years ago.