I haven't talked to you since I said everything was okay. What a fantastic liar I was. I knew you needed to hear it. Your conscious would never stopped bothering you otherwise. I remember every little thing like it was yesterday. How scary it all was. How we created this tiny world only a select few got to live in. How happy we all were-
How it wasn't real. And every time you left I was alone to face the monsters. The bad things don't stand out nearly as much as the good. Nothing can possibly outweigh the good in you old friend. It's been years.
I'm thinking about your troubles when I last saw you. In and out of the doctors office and so frustrated. You told me you were legitimately angry. That the doctor couldn't possibly understand you were mad at people for their incompetence instead of something deeper.
I remember shuffling my boots. Looking down at them really hard. Like they were the most interesting thing in the damn world. You were angry. I knew you were. I nodded my head. Yes. That doctor is so dumb.
I knew the reality. Yes those people were the worst. But you were angry the most at yourself. You were angry at what you did to our tiny world. You took a fucking baseball bat and shattered it. Jumped up and down and stomped the shit out of it.
Months passed and I finally reached out to you again. Hello B. I forgive you. B please stop being so angry. Stop blaming yourself.
The relief I heard on the other end was like this huge weight finally slipped off your shoulders. Thank you. Thank you I really needed that. I'm sorry. It was out of my hands.
Today old friend I find myself thinking about you. And the small gift I gave you. Embedded was a tiny lie. I couldn't bear to see you so miserable. I wish that I could tell you now that tiny lie is finally a truth.
I hope one day you reach out to me and your other friends. I hope you are happy. You deserve it. Even if you think you should still be punished for what you did all those years ago.
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