_________

I'm a fool.

Thinking I could chase love. That I could have everything still. 

I crawled out of hell for you. I told myself no more crazy bouts of madness or depression. No more mood swings or tirades of tantrums. I changed for you. I was never capable of doing anything for my own well being. 

Pathetic. 

That's how I feel right now. 

To think I could finally stop running away from you and into your arms. To think you would love me like you did then. That you too still thought about me constantly of what I was doing and how I was. 

I'm so fucking stupid. I don't deserve anything good.

My mood just keeps getting worse. How do I change roles from the girl you could never get to the one who is anxious to change for you and doesn't know what to do any more. I feel as if I disgust you. As if you are finally realizing you don't really want me after all and just don't know how to tell me.

HA- dreams don't come true. People don't change. 

I will never find that happiness. Never.  

I lost you the moment I walked away the first time. 

_________

Should I start here?

....

I  married a man I did not love.
I told myself I was doing what was best for my family.

Now- I have no family other than the man I married. Time is slowly moving forward- dragging me with it. I don't cry all the time like I used to.

Ask me if I am finally getting better.

Just kidding.

Ask me why I take so many pills at night just to get a decent night's rest?

Because she haunts me. Day and night she haunts me. Demanding me to relive every single moment in pain and agony. I cannot breathe- I cannot breathe- I AM DYING.

'Why do you torture yourself? ` My husband asks. `You NEED to stop`

I don't do it on purpose I plead. I don't want to think about HER. ABOUT ANYONE. I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend none of this is me. None of this is my past- my life- my future.

It all dies with me. Every single moment up to now dies with me. I will not tell you of the blood- the guilt- the cries of agony. Why should you be my confidant? Why should I tell you of things you will never understand?

I want to die.

I know you hate it when I say it but I do. I cannot live in this world without HER without THEM. I take so many pills so I don't feel anything. I don't think about HER or THEM. The pills- they relax me so that I do not want to die. So that I do not think of my great loss.

What good am I?

What have I done?
I don't care.
Say what you will but I do not care.
I am nothing without her. I failed HER. I failed THEM. I do nothing but disappoint the people in my life and let them die as I stand on the sidelines. I push everyone away because I am so afraid of losing them.

I rather you walked away from me in anger and safe than- than to lose you. To lose anyone else in my life. Can't you see I don't feel anything anymore because I don't want to?
Can't you see if I don't take those stupid pills I might as well be dead after all?

I hate myself so much. I hate myself more than anything.