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For some funny reason it doesn't feel like forever since I've written. I actually conduct mini blogs in my mind all the time.

Like last week for example.

Why is it that I get yelled at for not doing something all the time? If I'm just standing there my boss goes crazy. And yet if I'm moving around I get scolded for not just standing there. Other people besides me don't get in trouble at all. I've seen them leave their registers and walk outside the damn store. My coworker tells me they'll get caught sooner or later. I've always been a hard worker, I'm afraid I'll get fired first cause I make everyone else look so damn bad. :)

Or the week before:

So it's pretty obvious he wants to get in my pants. It's written all over his face. At the time I didn't know he fucked everything that moved, or that he was with another girl for that matter. And even if I had I don't think I would have cared much. I was feeling reckless at the time. What would it mean to throw caution to the wind and act upon pure lust? To act like a reckless young girl who knew too little and experienced too much? I seduced him because I knew he wanted to be. I laugh at his attempts to romanticized me and pushed him to his limits. My friend from Texas laughs as I recall the whole situation to him. "What a tease you are!" he would exclaim as he explained to me what a danger I was to the entire young male population.
I dismissed the coworker of mine pretty quickly after I won him over. He was boring to me. I didn't care for dramatics at the time and still don't. His girl on the side was jealous. I was twice as pretty and didn't want anything to do with either of them. All I wanted was something fun to do to pass the time. And fun it was. He told me he wanted me. I laughed and said I wouldn't touch his dirty body for anything.
Sometimes, I can be too cruel.

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Those are things that happened recently. I still live on my own, I work, I go to school. I'm your everyday young American girl trying to get by a day at a time. I eat ramen everyday and hustle unsuspecting young men for money or food. I've learned all too quickly what an advantage it is to be born female. All I do is act sweet. All I am is innocence waiting to be discovered. And like a trap I snap. Thanks for the date, the food, the attention. I give nothing in return but the hope and promise of a much more fulfilling visit next time. Half the time I don't bother calling on them again.

And what about this shining star of mine? The one who loved me so dearly?

Sadly, he's still here. He wishes I wouldn't do what I did. But I scoff at him. I have no money. I know I shouldn't use these poor souls but I do. It's a dog eat dog world. Sometimes I miss the girl I used to be. The one who was so in love and wanted a better future. I hate how the world hardens you. How it twists your thinking. Today I woke up in an RV with a boy I knew all too well and yet barely knew. He was my friend, a sweet guy who cared too much and loved too fiercely. And I swore it would be different with this boy. I would make a real friend. Yet I use and abuse. He kisses my hand lightly and smiles at me.

"Are you never going to speak to me again? Am I another one of your fan boys now?"

I try not to look at him.

"Will you call me later on?"

I admire my shoes on my feet.

"Stephanie. I like you. But I'm good at hiding it."

Finally I have no choice but to look up, "Not from me you don't. You kiss me way too tenderly. You hold me as if I'm precious."

He tells me he cannot help it. I am precious. I was meant to be loved. I only laugh at him. I don't want to be cruel. He tells me no one will know what happened.

My poor poor shining star. Do you know I've gone too far? I know what has happened. I don't dare tell you that yet again my attempts at making a friend has failed. How many boys now have I tried to befriend? Even the boy I live with longs for me.

I wonder what it is about me that attracts them. I'm a pretty girl, but I'm not gorgeous. I'm told the same things by every boy. I always ask them what they like so much about me. My smile, the way I bite my lip is too much for them. They wonder if they are as soft as they look. My hair, a regular brown and yet under close inspection my hair is a billion shades of brown. Under the sun, it looks quite lovely. My eyes, full of mischief. My cheekbones, so high and lovely. My skin, so soft to caress. My legs, begging to be kissed all the way up. Why should I go into more detail? Why should I describe how gorgeous my mind is to them? I'm mad. I don't want to do what I do anymore.

I want to be back in my tiny room with this boy that found me first. The one I put a ring on promising one day I would be his wife. I want to have eyes only for him. I really do love only you shining star. I wish things could go back the way they used to be.