_______

To my shining star:

Today I made plans to betray you yet again. I made them as if I was making an appointment to visit the dentist. (As if I could do such a thing anymore without insurance of any kind.) I thought about my plans all day, I knew I would enjoy myself very much so. And yet, and yet everything changed at last second. Before I knew it my day turned into a shopping spree of sort. How could I betray someone I love dearly when I'm too busy trying to forget my problems with purchases? I'm suddenly in love with the idea of looking wonderful and wishing I had just a bit more. Just a bit more and I could wear something nicer. I'm a bargin hunter because I have no choice but to be one. I look at all the pretty clothes and wish I could afford one. Who wouldn't want to wear something nice? All the pretty things cost a pretty penny, and all I have is chump change.

Life is funny sometimes, you grow up, meet someone utterly wonderful, fall in love and wonder where it all went wrong.

I've had my share of seductions. Scores of men I've tricked and I'm not ashamed to admit I did so. I'm the sweetest fruit you've never tasted, the beautiful coat hanging in the display window. What would it feel like just to reach out once and touch something so beautiful? Truth be told it's not real fur. It's completely and totally faux pas.

I'm not perfect, no one is. I'm still a murderer of true love even if no one discovers it. Even if no one knows, I know. Oh miss trickster, how can you love one man and seduce so many? When did you learn how much power a woman could hold over a man? Did you ever consider their feelings? Of course not. Not once, never. I would bluntly tell them I'm using them, that I was intoxicated with what I could do and did do. And I was so sweet, so understanding, so loving. What an actress. What a great fucking goddamn actress I was. I would laugh and play ignorant. Smile and promise sweet lies. No one was hurt but me, no one felt any remorse for their sins expect me.

And now? Now I'm breaking my plans to betray, after I'm done feeling shitty of course. I'll go home, play MAG like an idiot and go to bed. I used to be a good girl, a young silly girl who didn't know what it meant to use people. And yet once i did and a boy or man would admit they've fallen for me I would get bored and move on. Who would be my next contender? Who would be the next prey? Who would I try and seduce with my false innocence?

It worked like a charm every time.

And yet, I can't still figure out one thing. My dear sweet shinning star, why haven't I tired of you? Why is it that after two years I swear on my soul that I will stay by your side? "I belong to you." I would whisper in your ear, "Only you. I belong to no one else."

Did you know what I meant by those words? Did you know what I was trying to tell you? I play tricks like the monster I am and come home to you. No one else will have me, no one else will claim me. I belong to only one man and that is you.

One day, and I hope that day is today, I will grow up. One day I'll put away my childish need for attention and just be happy for once. What more can I do? Every boy is the same. They all blur together into a giant crowd. If you've seduced ten men or fifty, what difference does it make? It always ends the same.

My dear shining star, you will never know the extent of my wrong doings.

And I will never forget them.