Did the world just crumble down?
Did everything I try to do just shatter into a million pieces?
Did I just do that?
No, nothing has changed. I'm still poor as ever. I fall apart almost every day now. Monster or not it doesn't matter anymore. I'm still sinking faster in this ocean without any life preserve and not knowing how to swim doesn't help.
I cry because I'm so frustrated. I wish I knew how to fix this. I was so busy trying to do it all, I didn't have problems when all I worried about were living expenses. But I made the bold decision to go back to school a couple of months ago. How I hate myself for making that decision! How I want to beat and curse the very person I am. How dare I put myself into this situation! How dare I ruin my life! How dare I make myself fall apart everyday. All I think about is money. Money Money Money. I can barely afford to pay for the classes. I got by just fine until last week. That dreaded week when the shit hit the fan. I walked into my math class and my heart sank. I couldn't buy the book. I couldn't buy the damn book and homework was mandatory. I wanted to scream until my voice was a hoarse whisper. What a stupid decision I made! I thought I could pay for it, thought I could make ends meet somehow. and now I had to make a choice between Chemistry and Math. It's obvious now what I picked and yet my heart is aching so much. The life I lead now, I don't want it for any one. I wouldn't wish this on any one. I'm so depressed, so psychotic, anguish is my best friend and misery is my lover. I don't have insurance of any kind, I hardly eat anymore, I can't afford my textbooks, I can't afford anything.
Happy Birthday Miss Stephanie. You turn 21 on Monday. And you will look so lovely, and everything will be perfect and for one day we can pretend nothing is wrong and keep our secret.
And the secret is I bought a birthday gift for myself. I bought it a couple of days ago knowing I couldn't keep him. I named him Mozart Greenback Estrada. What a long name for such a tiny toad! I saved him from that dreaded pet store. Saved him and I love him even though I will hardly ever see him. He's so tiny and hopeless and yet....and yet he is so beautiful. The bright orange belly of his is so gorgeous. Orange is my favorite color.
So in the midst of the storm, something wonderful happened. A toad found a loving home with my sister. Now we have two turtles and a toad. But like the dog that I once had I'll never see them. At least they're happy.
And at least knowing that makes life more bearable.
Did everything I try to do just shatter into a million pieces?
Did I just do that?
No, nothing has changed. I'm still poor as ever. I fall apart almost every day now. Monster or not it doesn't matter anymore. I'm still sinking faster in this ocean without any life preserve and not knowing how to swim doesn't help.
I cry because I'm so frustrated. I wish I knew how to fix this. I was so busy trying to do it all, I didn't have problems when all I worried about were living expenses. But I made the bold decision to go back to school a couple of months ago. How I hate myself for making that decision! How I want to beat and curse the very person I am. How dare I put myself into this situation! How dare I ruin my life! How dare I make myself fall apart everyday. All I think about is money. Money Money Money. I can barely afford to pay for the classes. I got by just fine until last week. That dreaded week when the shit hit the fan. I walked into my math class and my heart sank. I couldn't buy the book. I couldn't buy the damn book and homework was mandatory. I wanted to scream until my voice was a hoarse whisper. What a stupid decision I made! I thought I could pay for it, thought I could make ends meet somehow. and now I had to make a choice between Chemistry and Math. It's obvious now what I picked and yet my heart is aching so much. The life I lead now, I don't want it for any one. I wouldn't wish this on any one. I'm so depressed, so psychotic, anguish is my best friend and misery is my lover. I don't have insurance of any kind, I hardly eat anymore, I can't afford my textbooks, I can't afford anything.
Happy Birthday Miss Stephanie. You turn 21 on Monday. And you will look so lovely, and everything will be perfect and for one day we can pretend nothing is wrong and keep our secret.
And the secret is I bought a birthday gift for myself. I bought it a couple of days ago knowing I couldn't keep him. I named him Mozart Greenback Estrada. What a long name for such a tiny toad! I saved him from that dreaded pet store. Saved him and I love him even though I will hardly ever see him. He's so tiny and hopeless and yet....and yet he is so beautiful. The bright orange belly of his is so gorgeous. Orange is my favorite color.
So in the midst of the storm, something wonderful happened. A toad found a loving home with my sister. Now we have two turtles and a toad. But like the dog that I once had I'll never see them. At least they're happy.
And at least knowing that makes life more bearable.
No comments:
Post a Comment