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I try not to have opinions on things I don’t understand. Like American Football. I have no idea what the rules are or what makes a good player. My knowledge only goes as far as what the uniforms look like and that there is a weird shaped ball and you tackle people.  So if you’re going to ask me about football I’ll say, “Well I don’t really care for that sport- I don’t know anything about it.”

~

The same goes for my knowledge about the military before I joined. All I knew was what I’ve seen from movies. People go to war and the military is our defense against everything.  Also they have tanks and planes and people jump out of them and everyone wears a uniform. Also they are called sergeants .  I grew up in a family that had nothing to do with the military. Even to this day no one in my family really understands it. But I do, and like my uncle I’ll tell you for the most part it can turn you into a better person. It’s definitely a unique experience you won’t understand unless you’ve been through it and it will change your life and perspective on things.

~

Even after being enlisted for almost two years I can’t say I understand it fully. I have a different experience and everyone’s opinions differ. While some became extremely patriotic, I stayed the same on the matter. Proud to be an American? I haven’t done anything other than chance being born here. I could have been anyone and been born anywhere. It’s like saying I’m proud of being Hispanic. I didn’t accomplish anything as a Hispanic. I’m only proud of things I have done myself. I like where I came from- don’t get me wrong. I just don’t have that swelling pride like other people do.

~

But if someone were to play a song and raise that flag the chances of me tearing up are pretty high. Because when I see that flag I don’t think of our country- I think of the people who walked alongside me and made the same oath as me. And they’re not here anymore. And I thank them for giving 100%. And every day I try my best to do the same.

When I think about the country that is Afghanistan I’m constantly feeling a tug at my heart. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the words, “Give me a fucking bomb. I’ll bomb the shit out of this country and we can all go fucking home. Fuck them.”

~

And I cringe.

~

Why?

~

I’ve heard men yell in agony, “Die for your own fucking country.  Fuck this shit. I’m fucking done.”

~

And the next day one of them does.  And no one says anything.

~

I’ve had kids who hate me throw rocks at me for being an American and rip up the writing paper I try to give to other children. I’ve had women refuse gifts from me in fear of their husbands. I’ve had men look at me strangely wondering why there is a woman in a line of over fifty men walking across the fields of Panjwa’i.

~

But I’ve also had children thank me for what little I can give them. I’ve had woman ask me excitedly a million questions and tell me about how they want to learn. I’ve had woman attempt to give me their children so they can have better lives. I’ve had men ask me to look at their children in hopes I had some medicine. Men who welcome me into their home and offer me tea and bread. “What can I do for you?” They ask me. I am their honored guest. They tell me about their troubles and I listen to every word they say and offer any help I can give.

~

I’ve had their army offer to carry my rucksack when it looked like I couldn’t walk anymore.  I just laughed and walked past them. “If I can’t share your burden then you won’t respect me. I am in the army just like you are in the army.” I tell them.

~

At the end of the mission they shake my hand and tell me it was a pleasure working with me.

~

And on the next missions I’m greeted as if I am a part of them and we walk everywhere and they tell me stories about their families and homes and ask me a million questions about my village and family. We watch each other’s back; they share everything and give you the shirt off their back if you needed it. It’s a special kind of bond you develop. I wish I didn’t have so much difficulty describing it because in my opinion it’s one of the most amazing things in the world.   

~

A lot of the people don’t take the time to get to know someone. It is disappointing me for me because everyone basis their thoughts and ideas on hearsay. I can’t tell you how many times I hear things about a person only to find it untrue.

~

It’s a tragedy how childish adults can be.

~

Yesterday people were joking about my fellow Afghan Soldiers and how they couldn’t be trusted and how stupid they were. In my mind I think to myself about my Afghan comrades. They volunteered to serve for their country- does that not count for anything?

~

Today my thoughts are all jumbled up.  There is nothing black and white about the world. It is all in shades of grey.   

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If I was to speak with your brother:

~

Yesterday I went to a funeral for a soldier who died, but it wasn't like any other funeral you'd ever see. This one was in Afghanistan. I arrived to see dozens of people sitting and my heart skipped a beat. I froze. Should I sit? Should I stand off to the side? Should I look for someone I know? In the end the First Sargent spots me and gives me a hug letting me know he is glad I came. That everyone is glad I came. I don't belong to this company- but this is a fact no one seems to notice. I sit next to someone I know and they seem surprised to see me. The service goes by and I feel like all of this is a dream.

~

What hit me most though is that the way this company was described- it was how everyone described me. Even when someone gets blown up in front of you and loses three of their four limbs and gets hauled away- you push on. They'll ask if you can still continue on the mission. All you do is smile and say, "I got this." Because let's face it- if you don't, who will?

~

I've spent my whole life fighting.

Fighting for freedom of the tyranny that is my father's.

Fighting to go to college and get a degree.

Fighting to have the ability to live my my own.

Fighting to keep it that way even when I became homeless.

Fighting to help my mom and her three other kids in any way I could.

Fighting- for the whole country.

~

I've never ran away. I don't see why I should start now. Life is really hard sometimes. People tell me how they want to throw in the towel. When I went through Basic and AIT those thoughts never crossed my mind. I've never wanted to quit. I was always a person who saw things to the end. I was a person of my word.

~

When you go off the wire your pack is heavy. And you think to yourself, "Fuck- why did I pack such and such? Did I really need that shit?" You're sweating water faster than you can drink it and it's 108 degrees. Hotter still because you're in full kit. The ground scares you more than anything. It could blow up in your face and take off your legs before you can count to one. Gunfire will cause you to duck and immediately look for the source. You don't know which locals you can trust and which ones are dirty bastards.

~

And someone will turn to you and ask if you're good. And you just smile and say, "Please- I can out walk you anyway." But in reality you know you're prone to heat injuries. You hate the fact your body can't handle the heat. You pour a bottle of water over your hair and down your back hoping you can keep yourself cool. You force yourself to eat despite the fact that the heat has made you nauseous.

~

Your shoulders are sore, you haven't showered in days. Sometimes you wonder if you can keep this up for six more months. Then your brain gets confused because you can't even imagine past tonight. And your head won't stop fucking itching and here come some kids. You're feeling around your kit remembering you have candy. You can't help but feel a twinge of love for them sometimes. They don't know any better- this is the only world they know.

~

So why did I write this to you? To remind you that I know sometimes life is hard. Sometimes we make choices and we can't figure out if they're right or not. Sometimes we wonder what the hell the future is going to be like and we can't imagine past next Tuesday. So you quit the Police Academy after two days. So your whole family is disappointed in you. So you've become a failure to everyone around you and you've shut yourself away in your room.

~

What's next?

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Maybe you don't want to be a police anymore. Maybe you don't know what the fuck you want to do. Maybe you're scared. Maybe you're disappointed with your life and how it turned out. You can bet a pretty penny I sure as hell didn't know I would end up across the world in a country so war torn the very ground I walked on was exhausted and bitter. I'm not knocking you for your choices- no one is going to understand them except you. And no matter what you do you can't make them understand you. You think my family supported me enlisting? HELL NO.

~

I just want you to know that you need to live the life you want to. A wasted life is a depressing thing. Don't live it for the people around you trying to make them happy, don't live it just to get by. Live it because life was meant to be lived. When I get back I want to finish my service. I want to see parts of the world I've only ever read about in books. I want to go listen to an orchestra and enjoy music. I want to kiss and hug my family and let them know I did all of this for them. I'm living life- and I have never regretted a single damn thing. I do not regret coming to this country. Every day I make a difference to save some one's life and sometimes coworkers pull me aside and say, "You can't save everyone private."

~

"No, but like the starfish story- if I can make a difference for at least one person...it was fucking worth it."

________

Everyone thinks I'm safe here- everyone thinks I'll stop thinking about what I've seen. That I'll magically turn into the person I used to be.

That I'll be okay again. The thing is no matter where I go- you and I both know that I'll be forever haunted by this. And no mater where you go- you'll be haunted too. But I told myself as long as I had you three- I would be okay.

To me you were my safety net. When I fell asleep I was always between you guys. You were always there making sure I was okay and I was there to make sure you were okay. Out of everyone I met in Afghanistan you three were the most important to me, you guys were my safety net. I remember you laid down next to me and I was so scared. I remember if I felt like I was lacking strength you would remind me that I had it in me to keep going. And I want to hope I did the same for you. That it was a burden we mutually shared.

I know you guys have gone out since I left- I know you've probably seen more than you wanted to. You probably want it to stop- you don't need more than you've already got. No one needs to see more. I wish I could take a bigger chunk of your burden.

I love you. I do. You know I love you.

I found out last night one of the people who died was my friend. The guys back where you are came up here to tell me the bad news. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I remember trying to smile and telling myself to breathe in and out. If I didn't remind myself to breathe I thought I was going to die. I feel so numb right now. I wish I was with you right now. No one here can comfort me. None of these people have walked everywhere with me, none of these people held me at night when I felt I was falling apart. None of these people can understand this haunting feeling. None of them saw what we saw.

Our mutual friend B wrote me. He told me you guys weren't okay. I told him I couldn't make you feel any better- but I can damn sure share your burden with you.

If anything happens to you guys- I will not be able to recover. More than anything I wish I was there with you.

_________

ALL IS not LOST

I worked hard to get where I am today.

No one can say I didn't earn everything I have. I grew up in a dysfunctional home which make most people shake their head but in my mind it's normal. It was all I knew. I won't repeat the mistakes my father made.

I went to school- got educated. Met a boy- fell in love. Didn't work out but it's okay. I'm in no rush to meet someone who I can spend the rest of my life with.

Was homeless for awhile- oh boy that was fun. Don't think I want to go down that road again, no matter how humbling it was.

Went to enlist- traveled across the world to a place I would have never dreamed I'd set foot on. Seen bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. It's life. Traveled across the beauty that is known as Panjwai. 

I've meet all sorts of people. Some I can't remember a thing about and others are forever imprinted in my heart and mind.

Some people think I'm not okay right now.

I just want to laugh and laugh and laugh when they say that.

If anyone goes through what I will forever call the unspeakable march and is okay I will call them crazy. Only a fool or a heartless person could be perfectly fine.

I'm still naive in so many ways. I still have so much to learn. I won't stay in the military. I won't make a career out of this. I'll go somewhere else in life and see where that takes me. I'll finish my degree, I'll travel the world, I'll sing and dance and love and live and cry and laugh and kill and be killed.  And I'll never stop learning.

The only thing I need is the continued strength to endure everything that comes my way. It only makes me stronger.