________

I am good at what I do. You see dearest- I've had a lifetime of practice. This is my trade after all. I know all the ins and outs. 

So when you tell me what I've been waiting to hear since the first day. I'm relieved. Things are going exactly the way they're suppose to. No exceptions are allowed- you see? Not even you are an exception. You are not special. No one is. 

The real question is- when to strike? Should I do it now? It will certainly spare me pain. Oh- but I was always a gluten for punishment. Seems I can never have enough of it.

Do I need a second bow ring? 

Heh- no.  

It would be stupid to repeat the same mistakes. We are a temptress. We do not fall in love my dearest. Stop weeping. Hold your chin up. Happiness? Oh silly dearest- I sell the cheap imitation all the time. What did I tell you all those years ago? You couldn't take this mask off even if you tried. You cannot rid yourself of me. I am your reigning queen.

Let's have some fun!

Oh stop it with your sadness. Do you think I care? We will keep them around for fun. You love fun don't you?

Now there. That's much better!

 

__________

No one liked your scarf. Do you remember that pink scarf you wore? G said it looked so fucking gay and wouldn't stop laughing. Everyone did actually. I thought it was nice. You stood out, it wasn't just the scarf- your demeanor, your excited outbursts, that giant pack on your back. What on earth did you have in there Kunchinai?

Do you remember a couple days in? Do you remember giving me a piece of the bread from you pack? It was the most delicious thing I ate that entire patrol. Nothing has tasted so sweet since then. I shared it with so many other guys on our patrol Kunchinai. Everyone loved it. I was so happy- it made you happy just seeing me happy. I miss you Kunchinai.

That one time we were so tired. Do you remember the day before you died? We were sitting on a small dirt mound so exhausted. I poured water down your pack to cool you and you yelped in surprised. Everyone laughed Kunchinai. It was a good day to be us. Or so we thought.

Do you remember asking to trade weapons teasingly? Or showing me your rounds? Do you remember giving me your ring?

I still have it. I wear it all the damn time. I talk to it like it's you and ask how excited you are to be in the states.

What a short live friendship we had. There are so many other memories I have of you but these are the ones that stand out the most to me.

Today the ground scares me Kunchinai....I'm afraid everywhere I step will explode. 

_____________

I finally started this blog thing again.


I think I'll just move all my facebook posts to here since I have always open and honest with this blog. 

Today I noticed I had a amassed a small group of readers, some of them were brave to leave comments over the years.

It's funny because- I never thought anyone was reading this. 

I suppose....I'm not alone as I thought I was. 

____________

Question.

Have you ever been in love?

love is an emotion mutually shared between two parties, so no

you?

You can love someone who doesn't love you back.

but is that actually love

?

Of course- who is going to tell you that your feelings aren't genuine?

They aren't you.

They can't tell you that you're wrong.

Deep down inside you know if you love someone.

but if you love someone, and they don't care for you. that's all that matters

No.

That's wrong.

You can love someone with all of your being and want their happiness above anything else and want to do anything for them.

well if I'm wrong, it would be obvious that I've never been in love before

ANd they can hate you or not even know you exist

That doesn't make the love any less real.

It was a yes or no question silly.

no, I've neber been in love

It's rather wonderful.

so you have?

Yes.

and?

That's a very open ended question.

Let's see.

I loved a man with all of his good points and flaws. I loved him and wanted only good things for him. I would have done anything for him. And he hurt me bad a couple of times.

And one day I had to walk away from him. I still loved him but I just couldnt take the pain that came with it.

what age was that at?

And one day that love slowly changed from romance to a much tamer love. A love that was more of'as a person' than 'as a lover'

I was nineteen.

I still love him to this day but- as a person. I care about him but there's no passion between us.

He's a family friend now.

who broke up with who?

1:14am

Well. He left me twice but I ended things permanently.

I deserved better and it took him breaking my heart over and over and over to realize that I was suppose to be treasured- not taken for granted.

The funny thing was- I knew it was going to end when I joined the army.

He didn't write me a single letter during boot camp

I wrote him every day.

When I went through my MOS training I called him constantly because we finally had phone privileges. He was always distracted and cut them short.

But he swore that he loved me.

And all I did was cry because I felt like he stopped caring about me.

I felt- alone.

I begged him to see me and I paid for everything.

He saw me twice.

When everything finally ended- he begged me to take him back. That he was stupid.

I refused.

He wrote me constantly when I was deployed.

Mailed me packages all the damn time.

When I called him (which was once every two weeks) he cried and talked to me for hours.

He'd email me nonstop.

And I told him it was too late.

The damage was already done.

We could not fix what was broken. You can't turn back time.

So if you get anything out my past relationship- it's don't take the people you care about for granted.

And if someone isn't treating you the way you KNOW you're suppose to be treated.... walk away no matter how hard it is.

_________

Sometimes I'm out doing my own thing when it strikes me. Maybe I'm driving back home from the bookstore. Maybe I'm out with friends at a bar joking around. Maybe I'm in the embrace of a man I care for deeply. Maybe I'm not doing anything at all. 

It strikes me like a hard slap to the face sometimes. I can't breathe. I can't stop my heart from beating so fast. I don't know whether I should bolt from where I am or try and fight it and act as normal as I can. My heart feels like someone is squeezing it so tight. There is no where to run. Some how this monster makes me face my sins. 

Look at what a piece of shit you are. It tells me.

Nothing will atone for my lack of competence. 

Other times it arrives softly. I blink once and suddenly I'm back in Afghanistan. A small breeze picks out out nowhere- a blessed relief from the sun beating down on you. And yet it makes no sense. Did I not come back to Washington  It is not the place of eternal rain?

Yet I feel the sweat collect and the breeze cool me. I know the familiar way the ground gives in softy when I walk through the grape rows. The air coming gently in grape hut protecting us from the midday sun. The feel of that kit, my rifle in my hands ready for the  crack of a gun. My shoulders- they feel so sore. My back aches.

And suddenly- just as quickly it arrives... it disappears.