Friendships you wish you never lost

Do you ever find yourself thinking about people from your past? Wondering where life look them and if it was kind enough to treat them well? 


I haven't talked to you since I said everything was okay. What a fantastic liar I was. I knew you needed to hear it. Your conscious would never stopped bothering you otherwise. I remember every little thing like it was yesterday. How scary it all was. How we created this tiny world only a select few got to live in. How happy we all were-

How it wasn't real. And every time you left I was alone to face the monsters. The bad things don't stand out nearly as much as the good. Nothing can possibly outweigh the good in you old friend. It's been years. 

I'm thinking about your troubles when I last saw you. In and out of the doctors office and so frustrated. You told me you were legitimately angry. That the doctor couldn't possibly understand you were mad at people for their incompetence instead of something deeper. 

I remember shuffling my boots. Looking down at them really hard. Like they were the most interesting thing in the damn world. You were angry. I knew you were. I nodded my head. Yes. That doctor is so dumb. 

I knew the reality. Yes those people were the worst. But you were angry the most at yourself. You were angry at what you did to our tiny world. You took a fucking baseball bat and shattered it. Jumped up and down and stomped the shit out of it. 

Months passed and I finally reached out to you again. Hello B. I forgive you. B please stop being so angry. Stop blaming yourself. 

The relief I heard on the other end was like this huge weight finally slipped off your shoulders. Thank you. Thank you I really needed that. I'm sorry. It was out of my hands.

Today old friend I find myself thinking about you. And the small gift I gave you. Embedded was a tiny lie. I couldn't bear to see you so miserable. I wish that I could tell you now that tiny lie is finally a truth. 

I hope one day you reach out to me and your other friends. I hope you are happy. You deserve it. Even if you think you should still be punished for what you did all those years ago. 

Before I make a Mistake

I have a daughter. Her name is Coraline. Do you know how many months went into thinking about her name? About five. For five months after I found out she was a girl and not a boy (like I wanted) I debated endlessly. 

And after I met her I realized the name suits her perfectly. She's just as adventurous and easily bored. Although on my end I admit naming your child after a mistype in a book might be on par with naming your child Blanket or Apple. Not as bad- but still pretty terrible. Everyone mispronounces her name and I feel awful for it. I wonder how she will feel about it in the future. Only time will tell. 

I know I can do better with her. I know I can be a better parent. More understanding. Spend more quality time with her.Teach her things and encourage that natural curiosity of hers. I don't though. Being pregnant alone was exhausting. I spent a majority of the nights on Google typing "Single and Pregnant" or "Pregnant and alone" only to find that everyone suggested to surround yourself by friends and family. And I had none. I was literally alone. As in there was no one.

The exhaustion of pregnancy gave way to the exhaustion of being a new and still single mom. That in itself was horrible. I dislike both pregnancy and babies immensely. 

And now that I have this new toddler I am looking at her warily wondering where we go from here. 

Everyone talks about how wonderful it all is. How life changing.

I agree on only the second part so far. 

Now excuse me while I clean up all the clutter on the floor for the millionth time. 

The Rut Known as Life

Today was one of those days where problems come all at once as usual. Why can't small problems happen every once in awhile instead of dog piling? Its like life is out to get you- ready to beat you senseless with a stick.

But later on after putting off going back to the University for ages I finally did it, I applied and promised myself I would go. And I sat down with a friend and solved one math problem after another. I wish life was as easy as solving math. Not that math was easy. We had to google five of the ten questions for steps on how to solve them. But it felt so good figuring everything out and feeling confident about our answers. 

It was a perfect. 100%.

Unfortunately life is messy. My rent is going up, the pet fees are going way up. The United States government was a victim of a cyber attack and now all of my personal information is out there in the world being abused by God knows who. I already had my bank account compromised once. My ex won't help with our child and regards us with such disdain it constantly makes me feel physically ill. My PTSD and anxiety plagues me constantly. At any given moment I fell frustrated and stress out for the smallest things. 

I am a broken record.

This needs to be fixed. But how? 

On being a parent

I want to write about what it's like being a first time single mom. I want to talk about what it's like being a disabled veteran with severe PTSD trying to raise a child alone. I want to write what it's like being stuck with someone you don't like half the time and you just want to be alone for five minutes where a toddler and a blind old dog don't follow you into every room and you can't even take a shit or a shower without being hounded. 

I know I am not alone. I know it sounds awful of me to say sometimes I despise the both of them. I am a solitary person. I enjoy being alone. So having two unwanted things in my life make every day difficult. So many people told me to my face I couldn't handle this. That I wasn't capable of raising anyone and was a danger to myself and others. 

Maybe they are right. But maybe not. I don't know yet. Yes it is hard. Incredibly. It took all the self control in the world not to shake my baby when she was younger. I have yelled at her yes. In those moments where I didn't know where the formula money was going to come from and my self hatred for not being able to breast feed I yelled. I lost it and yelled and yelled and yelled. I was alone. I had no one to rely on but myself. Everyone says they are there for you. But let's face it. They have their own lives. Their own problems. 

I don't know how I made it this far. But I did. I have a healthy happy 11 month old. Soon to be a year on the 10th of December. 

How do I juggle a child and my PTSD? 

I don't know. It's hard. Harder than anything. I think it's easier to face war and deployment than raising another person. It was easier facing an abusive dad and an addicted mother growing up. 

Raising a kid takes all of me and much more. I am aging at an incredible pace. I feel physically old and sick. I am borrowing time and energy from my future self. 

To anyone struggling know you are not alone. But all we can do is flail.