Ring

A couple of people lost their limbs already. I thought the worst was over. I thought we would make it. Just one more day and the week long patrol would be over.

No one had ever hid an IED in the dirt walls before. The walls stretch on forever on every side. And if you did plant one, how would you know which way the bomb should face? Shouldn’t it face the road? No- it was facing the farms- the grape vines.

Ready and waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

One man jumps over.

Another

Another

Another

Another

Another

BOOM

The dust.

It was every where

My heart sinking, it’s in freefall. No. No. No.

I already know. I already know but I deny it. No one has ever died in the center of the line, it’s always the guys in the front who are in the most danger. Not us. NOT US.

The helicopter is already in bound. Another squad nearby had their medic lose both of their legs. Thank god, maybe you can be saved. The rest of us start jumping that same wall.

The dirt ground is soaked in your blood. There’s so much. There’s too much.

Three limbs.

You lost three limbs.

Chunks of flesh, I can’t forget what they look like. That smell. The dust. The noise. Ah, I’m shaking but I won’t stop. I can’t afford to forget this feeling.

They load you onto the chopper last second. It wasn’t meant for you originally. All of the afghan soldiers are crying. I slump next to the long wall. I’m numb.

I miss you. 

_______

If I am honest, 100% honest with myself- will it help with recovery?

I'm afraid. 
   
I'm also filled with self loathing. 

I say I want to get better, I probably want to- heh. But I stop myself. I know why. I cling to my self hatred and caress it like an old lover. I won't ever let go of it you know.

I watch them die, one by one. Giving up on life at last. I watch them and I know.

I also know the secret- the secret every other service member like me has

My turn will come one day.

I see it, in their eyes, their actions. They long to be with the ones who passed before us. The burden becomes heavier and more painful. And with the loss of another person to share it with- it helps crumble even the strongest of us.

One day- I'll give up too. 

I don't know when I will. But it will happen. I'm a perfect candidate. 

How lonely it must be

I tell myself today is going to be a good day. And it did start off as one. It can't end like one though.

It's amusing that it just takes one thing to ruin a day. One negative thing can just bring everything down. And no amount of distraction or positive energy can fix it.

Maybe I am doing things wrong. Maybe I am an insufferable fool. Maybe no one is telling me but I am an incredibly unlikable person. 

Or maybe it's just not obvious how much it hurts to be me. I should try to be more vocal about how lonely it is to never have anyone to talk to, never have anything to do. I could go weeks at a time without interacting with another adult. It makes me want to kill myself.

It really does. But I don't. The only thing that stops me is that then Coraline will be alone. And she won't have anyone to talk to either. And she will be just as lonely as I am. 

No one answers my phone calls or messages. If they do it's at the end of the day after the moment has passed or days later.

All week I was looking forward to visiting my aunt. My mom's big sister. I told her ahead of time and she said to let her know the day of. I called today.

"We're at the park!" She says.

I ask how long it will be.

"Well actually we are here for a baby shower. For Jane."

That's her son's wife. No one told me. No one invited me. How awkward. How painfully awkward.

"Well you can come if you want. Bring Cora! I want to see Cora."

"No, it's okay. We weren't invited. I don't even have a gift. It would be weird. Your son and his wife didn't invite me"

"No he just said you can come! It's okay come! Jane didn't invite a lot of people because she thought no one would come"

I didn't go. I told her I would contact her another time. It depressed me so much. I try so hard to be close to people. To just have a conversation with someone. And all day I have been holding in the tears and I just don't understand what I am doing wrong.

I miss my mom. She would call me every day. Ask me about my day. Remind me to eat. Talk about things that weren't important.

I miss having someone who cares about me. I miss having a family. Ah- I'm finally crying. And the tears are so bitter and they don't make me feel any better.

I hope when school starts this month I will finally be happy. I hope I will be busy and talk to people all the time! And I won't be so lonely and isolated from the whole world stuck in a corner with only a baby and a dog for company.

Moon!

Most days are bad. Like today- it's just not a good day for me. I wonder when I will finally have my good day. When everything isn't putting me into the worst mood ever. 

If I had to live with a copy of myself I think I would go crazy. I already drive myself crazy as it is. Why can't anything make me happy? Why am I always so fucking depressed? Why can't I just get on with my life and over my PTSD?

It's so stupid. I wish I could wave a magic wand and just be OKAY. I don't want to be awesome or fantastic- I just want a damn passing grade.

It's been so long since I have confided in you old friend. Let me think on what I should update you with.

Coraline is 2 now. She turns 3 December 10th. Terrible twos are the worst. Nothing makes my kid happy either. Jesus am I rubbing off on her or is she rubbing off on me? 

Monkey turned 11 today. Happy birthday old doggo~

I move next month on the 15th of July. I am more than looking forward to it.

My mom was supposed to turn 49 today. I bought a really expensive cake and sang to my stupid dog. The cake was under-baked and I got into a fight with my brother in law like I always do. What a fucking selfish prick. Everything is his- nothing I do is good enough and he is never grateful. I'm struggling with bills and they just live rent free willy nilly.

Fuck you too buddy. YOU ARE WELCOME FOR THE HELP YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE.

Coraline and I just got back from Target. After we parked she pointed to the sky and yelled, "MOON!"

I looked up at the sky and there it was- all bright and shit. 

Yeah thats a fucking moon alright Cora, good job.