_________

So lots of things happen in very short periods of time:

A puppy followed me on a walk home. (I was so tempted to keep it!)

I tore up the front yard. (I'm remodling it!)

I finally finished unpacking.

I work way too much. ;_;

I play so much Left 4 Dead my head hurts.

I went grocery shopping by myself for me for the first time.

I think I lost my Dsi. ;_;

My mom texts me sometimes to tell me she misses me. I read them and put the phone back down but never respond. I think it bothers her that I don't really keep close contact. When I get text messages saying that it's been awhile since I visited, I stop by. (maybe)

Sometimes I feel bad that I'm happier now. My boyfriend tells me he sees a difference in my atittude and it pleases him that I finally have some distance from what was formally suffocating me.

I like being on my own. Now that I got what I've been dreaming of since a child I can start focusing on bigger things and sorting out my priorities. I have a lot of tough challenges ahead of me, but I'm sure I can handle it.

First thing's first though, I need to completely be stable first. I still feel kinda wobbly on my feet and dizzy with this new found freedom I have now. I feel like a newborn colt trying to walk for the firs time.

I hate trying to answer the big questions in life. I hate having to make decisions. It's something I have a huge difficulty with because I'm so indecisive. And the reason is because I think too much. What if the choices I make are the wrong ones? I'm carefully treading forward weighing each decision so that it doesn't bring me down in the future.

Like, what do I want out of my future?

Where do I see myself heading from now? Surely not WalMart. I'm an ambitious girl who wants bigger things from life, and yet I don't know where I want to go with it. I'm twenty years old and I still can't answer the question people get when they're in kindergarden:

What do you want to be when you grow up?

_________

So it's been awhile since I've written anything even remotely note worthy. XD

It's been awhile since I wrote anything at ALL.

Much better.

Let's see, fastforward the last couple of months.

I got a job.

It's at WalMart.

Go me!

Not really...

I moved out.

Yeah I know. XD

No really. I did.

I hit a year with my boyfriend.

I turned twenty.

My brother turned fifteen.

I bought my mom a bird for mothers day.

Starting today I'm always going to be broke.

Yeah...I think that covers all of it.

Yep!

So last night was my first night in my new home. Three hundred a month, first of every month. Sitting right next to me is my first payment I am waiting to hand over. My feet hurt from standing in cute shoes all morning at WalMart as a new cashier. I just might like remodel better. (Which is what I was before a cashier) Oh well, no worries, as long as no one comes up with my with some weird check or money transfers I should be good. I pretty much got the hang of it so it's all good.

My room is kinda cute. My corner of the room anyway. The other half is eletronics begging to be used by me. Which I am...hehehe I gave into using the computer and I'm downloading FLYFF now.

I also have a Final in Narcotics later on today at six. Eeek! Should be pretty easy actually. MY boyfriend didn't write his paper though, I just know it. Idiot.

I'm working on being a clean responsible young lady who is nice and considarate. I have very high demands of the young adult me and one of them is maturity and sophisication. Okay...make that two. Hahahahha.

Well, I have to go now cause it's two o'clock and my boyfriend just got here.

Bye bye for now.

_________

Something old I wrote that I'd thought I'd share:

To my shining star,

You know I love you, don't you? But let me be honest with you, I loved someone before you. I loved them when he and I were just friends. The love I had for them was pure and innocent, I loved them as a person, not as a lover. But soon they confessed their feelings for me, and we kept saying, "I love you" through our relationship. My love for them never changed once into something more in the relationship. I never  loved them as more than a friend. Because of that the relationship ended. I couldn't bear to tell them the truth, that I had just woke up one day and all my feelings were gone. What kind of person would he make me out to be? A liar? Some might say I never loved him at all in the first place. In my heart I know I did, and loving him was hard because I could not be all the things he wanted me to be, I had to many short-comings.

My shining star, do you think I really loved him? Why is it then that I woke up one day, and felt nothing at all for him? I'm so scared, what if the same thing happens to us? I don't want to stop loving you. I don't want you to stop loving me. I'll never forget your promises. They're in my heart for me to always remember and cherish. You will always love me, you will always be there for me.

I know you are very serious about me my little shining star, but you are also very young.

9/07-08

Looking back on this there are three major things that stand out in my mind:


1. I did love the boy I was with before.

I loved him, He made me happy for the year we were together, but at the same time I never felt any giant sparks at all. I never got butterflies when we first started going out, never looked at him and felt lucky to be with the guy. Never told him that he meant a lot to me, that I was so glad we were dating.

Everything was so platonic...perhaps because I never loved him for a boyfriend and we had so many arguments about petty things.

2. Just because it didn't work out with one person doesn't mean the same thing will happen with the next guy.

Self explanatory, yeah?

3. My priorities in a boyfriend have changed dramatically.

When I was little I wanted someone nice who didn't get angry and hit or yell at people, someone cute and smart and popular.

When I was a teenager I wanted someone hot who was smarter than me and loved video games as much as I did. I wanted a guy who was mature and knew what he wanted in life.

As a young adult now, I'm looking back at this and chuckling to myself. Right now all I want is a guy with a big heart who knows how to love and be loved, someone who wants to share their life with me and start a family.

Funny how our priorities change as we age.

_________

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me."

That statement alone should bring sheer joy to any young woman in love. Yet when he looks into her eyes, and says these very words aloud, she is overwhelmed with fear. He rarely tells her things that wrench her heart like this, and every time she is left speechless. Why does he tell her this now? She's tearing up and agitated all at once, yet he picks now of all times to tell her his. She feels her breath catch in her throat as she tries to pull away from his tight embrace. She feels dizzy as his grip grows stronger.

"Please don't- I'll only let you down." she begs him.

But he won't let go of her. He's obsessed with her. The need for her to be in his life is too strong for either of them to resist. He wants her around him always. He's too scared to admit that to her, how could he tell her the truth? That he wants to see her everyday, that he wants to screw his friends over just to be with her just a bit longer. Any amount of time will suffice, as long as he gets to hold her in his arms, kiss her beautiful face one more time. He must be crazy, if any one knew they would say so.

"You could never let me down. I love you."

She doesn't want to screw this up, she swears up and down she won't do anything to ruin this wonderful thing she has with this amazing boy.

"I love you too."

His feelings scare him more than anything.

_________

He's going crazy sometimes. He's always worrying something happened to her, and asks her constantly if she's doing okay. Sometimes he peers at her wrists and worries more; other times he makes her swear that she's fine and is isn't lying. Is she lying? Is she telling me the truth? He wonders as she tells him for the 8th time that she's perfectly okay. And she's been more quiet recently, watching him quietly with wistful eyes that say- what? What is she trying to tell him? Is she keeping secrets? Is she holding things in, keeping the burden to herself? He loves so desperately, he doesn't know what he would do if something were to happen to her. He wants to be with her always and curses himself when he cannot rescue her, let alone protect her from her dire circumstances. 

Last night, that night she laughs as he stares at her perfect wrists, "You really think I would do that?"

"I don't know what you would do." he answers.

"I would never do that."

He plays with her hands and kisses her on the forehead, determined to stay by her side. 


She's going  crazy sometimes. She feels as if too much is happening all at once; she can't keep track of anything. Sometimes she stares at things she shouldn't and thinks about disappearing. Right off the face of the Earth, yes, like a magic trick. And then she catches him watching again. Asking her over and over and over again. Like a good girl she says the same thing over and over and over again. How can she make him worry over nothing again? She hates making him nervous like this. She loves him to death, would do anything to make sure he's happy. But there is one thing she is incapable of, she cannot feign happiness for his sake. All she can do is remain quiet, but even that drives him crazy. Why does he worry so much? She wants to smack him, leave him, make him miserable for once. 

But she knows if she does that her whole life will fall apart and then she really will dissappear. She needs him like oxygen. She'll die without him by her side.

"You shouldn't worry so much" She scolds him.

"I have a reason to worry, I never know what's going to happen to you. Start thinking about yourself for a change" He replies, annoyed.

"You do not."

"I do too. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

And then she goes quiet because he is right and she is wrong.

And then he goes quiet because he has upset her again.

Damn.