_______

I've done everything I've needed to succeed. 

All the steps are laid out before me perfectly. Now all I have to do is take them one by one. In a few months I'll move again. Once again I'll be able to start over fresh.

Maybe then I can toss aside this temptress I've created.

I've tried so hard to detach myself from her. I've avoided all the fools I've wooed, tried to mend things with the one I did care about.

Oh my shining star the day is coming soon!

Soon I'll be far away from you and won't be able to see you shine from my new place. Will you find someone new? Or will you stay true for me and only me? Sometimes I feel so silly, I've made this web just for you to stay in and yet you were no fool like the others. You knew what it was and stood there anyway no matter how uncomfortable it was for you to watch me work my magic. Well shining star your sly temptress is starting anew. I just need one more class and I can quit my job. Quit and go full time at a real four year university working on my bachelors.

How exciting!

Fall is coming soon.

And after that is a very cold winter.  

_________

It'd be to awkward to make any reference to the last blog. It was written for a reader that I enjoyed talking to on late nights over the phone. Mr. New York, I hope you enjoyed your blog. The answer to your question is there and I hope it helps you better understand this silly pineapple.mango.

On a side note:

This blog will come to a close soon. I don't know when so I can't predict how many more blogs I'll write but I have a feeling it's going to be within this year. After about three years I think now would be a good time to end. Reading back I can't help but be fond of this girl, she started out worrying about her family to being thrust out into society and being corrupted so quickly. Watching the changes unfold was a rare pleasure.

What'll happen to the girl? I wonder.

Don't think I'll stop blogging though. A new chapter will unfold soon.

As for now? I am a lover of two. I feel as if I belong to neither.

[You hide in the shadows and love me dearly. I feel as if I'm the most precious thing in the world when I'm with you. It's a new exciting feeling. Never before have I felt so treasured.]

Neither man is on my mind right now.

What I'm thinking about now is one I haven't met yet. I have standards you know. I want an accomplished, intelligent, no nonsense kind of guy. I've never met one though. All I run into are silly boys who fall in love so easily. They haven't done anything and I'm left with a feeling of wanting. I don't want to fall in love. I'm so tired of being in love.

There's something I craze more than that. More than the feeling of being accepted. Sometimes I think I did become that cruel cold woman with the red lips.

Surely there's a way to escape myself. Surely I can find a way to reverse the process and go back to the way I used to be.

One day I'll marry you, you know. There's no escaping fate. When I said I would spend the rest of my life with you I was not joking. I am not a liar.

But if you fail to meet my requirements I will toss you aside like a rag doll. Never has my heart been broken. But let me tell you darling, I'm no stranger to ripping others into two.

________

So miss mango how did you end up the way you are?

Miss mango, that must have been one hell of a guy. I'd hate to be the guy who hurt you so badly that you ended up this way.

Do you just get a kick out of this? Are you that twisted?

~~~~

Love me. Love me. Love me.

Why don't you love me?

Nothing I do makes you happy.

Nothing I say makes you happy.

Why do you call me so many terrible things? Why do you hurt me so much? My heart is breaking, it's in a million pieces. I should hate you. I should despise you. Everyone tells me to. But I can't, I love you too much. My heart hurts, I feel as if I'm dying slowly. I try so hard to make you happy, to please you.

~~~~

"So Stephanie, who hurt you?"

"No one did."

~~~~

So, who is this person I try to please?

The very same person who can pull me by my hair and drag me across the family room of course.

Who is the person I cannot hate no matter how hard I try?

The same person who breaks all the beautiful things in the house of course.

I grew up a people pleaser, I wanted people to be happy. I wanted people to be proud of me. But sometimes little things make some people terribly angry.

Whether it's clothes on the floor or dishes left undone. Nothing is good enough for this person. I was such a good girl, I never did anything worse than forgetting to pick up my clothes my the bathroom. I was never rebellious, always kept my legs closed like a lady. Cussing scared me and a raised hand would make me flinch. What a timid creature I was, so frail and frightened.

What a good girl I was.

"You worthless piece of shit. You never do anything!"

I am a good girl.

"Little bitch, fake crying again, you like to do this to me don't you?"

I am a good girl.

"You're worthless."

Worthless?

"You're so lazy! Listen to me when I'm fucking talking to you! Look at me. Get closer now."

It hurts. It hurts so much. I can feel the pain in my heart and on my flesh.

Happy birthday daddy...I got you this card. I love you....

Happy fathers day....I love you....

Why won't you look at me? I remembered, I got you this gift. Why are you so stiff when I hug you? I am happy you're my daddy. Some people don't even have them...

Don't ignore me. Don't ignore me. DON'T IGNORE ME!

Am I here? Am I still alive? Everyone is walking by me, I swear I just turned invisible. I only exist when you're angry. When you want someone to blame for something.

All the beautiful people in this house. All the bottles hidden away. All empty. I wonder who drank them all....

~~~~

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt? To be ignored by them, that is a pain I cannot bear. To be abused by them, at such a young age all the way into adulthood and taking it without question. It's something I would never let happen to a child. I hate to think it happens everyday in silence. And I was one of the millions of voices who would cry in silence.

It's so silly, how warped your mind becomes because of mistreatment.

I swear I would never hurt a child and fear my own temper.

I fear it more than anything I try so hard to never be angry.

I wanted so badly to be loved.

~~~~

So miss temptress of men.

Tell me.

Do you go to every man and boy asking to be loved?

Asking to be wanted?

Asking for their attention?

Their wanting?

You throw them all away after you get that familiar feeling of acceptance.

It's like someone once said, "You go out and do whatever it is that you do and everything is right in the world and you feel happy. Then after awhile the feeling goes away and you have to do it all over again."

________

Come one, come all! Come see the amazement and the wonder! The most talked about spectacular to hit Chicago since the World's Fair in 1933. Ladies and Gents this is the time to step up to the plate!  Now now don't all crowd at once, there is room enough for everyone to see! Oh me, oh my! Don't worry ladies and gents you won't regret this, this is history in the making! This is a revolutionary thing about to happen! A once in a lifetime opportunity!   

I BRING YOU THE AMAZING-

~~~

Did you really expect something spectacular? Was I supposed to dazzle you? Right now I'm sitting down looking beautiful, I am a dazzling diamond. Everything about me is refreshing. I look so tempting too. White is so becoming on me, innocence never looked so sexy and sultry.

Oh temptress of men, look at how gorgeous you are. Are you happy? You just turned 21 and yet you long for the day you are old and frail. There you will do no harm to any man. You will seduce no one and live out your last days in peace. Will you be alone? Will there be someone by your side whom managed to stay resisting your poison all along? 

What man could love and resist me? I've tangled so many men in webs I've lost count of which one I haven't dragged along on a leash. I blend the truth with lies so easily. Oil and water are mixed together in an impossible fashion. How did I do that?

Oh miss temptress, be kind to your guests today. Be a cold beauty. Do not look favorably unto anyone today. Today is your day to enjoy more than any other day. 

Happy Birthday love.