Women, and other terrible inventions

I have made many good friends this deployment. Unfortunately some of these friends have insane wives who don't trust them for shit and think every single woman wants them. Now I don't know what he did to deserve it and honestly it isn't any of my business. But what is my business is when they randomly decide to attack me online for no reason (I mean seriously? Not every woman wants your husband, some of us actually have good taste). I didn't troll her but man I was dying to. Names and occupations have been changed to protect his poor soul.

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2:15

St

LOOK AT C

SHE TAGGED ME IN HER PICTURES AND SHE IS LOOKING GORGEOUS!!!!!!

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2:17pm

D

you know my husband is married right are you seriously trying to get your fucking ass beat!!!!!

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2:20pm

S

C is our friend? What's wrong with liking our friend? C has her man.

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2:21pm

D

i don't give a fuck dumb hoe don't be telling a married man to go check out other people

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2:22pm

S

Wow, is language really necessary? I won't say anything anymore. I apologize.

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2:22pm

D

just because you have multiple people that u use to get what you want don't mean my husband should

If you had some respect for yourself I would talk to you right...

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2:26pm

S

I have no interest in fighting online with a person I don't know. I already apologized. If you want just delete me from your husband's friend's list. There is no need for dramatics.

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2:49pm

D

He's a grown man he can do what he wants. Just get it into your little bean of a brain that he's married & if you continue to say stuff like that to him...or be all flirtatious with him trust me I'll make your life miserable.

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I'm easily frightened these days. I find myself sleeping more and more uneasily the closer I become. I jump at every loud crack and bang.

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Some days I can't bear being alone with only myself as company. I beg those around me not to leave. I don't say why I need the company. Isn't it obvious?

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I'm plagued by these nightmares. I can't share them. I can't.

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How could I? You wouldn't understand. You weren't there. You weren't there.

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But the few that were there...they want revenge. They want death.

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Oh! If only it was that simple for me! If only I desired death for them! If only I desired a cruel end for them! If only revenge would make it right for me. If only evening out the playing field was that simple on my end.

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Instead I grip my head with both my hands and weep. And I cry out how sorry I am. And we can't go back to before. We can't return.

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I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. The pain in my heart is unbearable. I feel like I'm dying.

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You hesitated before you answered. But it was an answer I wanted to hear.

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Was it needed? Was it genuine?

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I don't know.

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A moment passes and I wonder out loud if you'll ask the same of me. You shrug and say there's no need to.

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Is it that obvious? Am I so vulnerable that everything I feel flickers across my face?

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My dearest wicked widow. Where have your masks gone? Where is your cruelty? What happen to no compassion? What happen to your web of lies and deception? You were once a reigning queen, when they bowed their noses would touch the floor. Every single one of them was a prisoner, willing and foolish.

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And now it is you that is the fool. Stupid, stupid, girl. Some how against all odds you've regained that innocent shy smile, those sweet honest eyes...

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I thought I lost you years ago.

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I once read, "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

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I sat back and thought about it long and hard. I have made many choices in life (not all of them being smart) and I often found myself walking away.

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(Today is one of those rare moments in life I find myself not thinking about this hellhole I am in. Today I am thinking about normal everyday worries. Which is a nice change of pace.)

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It is almost two in the morning, I have waited for something I am now almost certain will not happen and find myself at a loss. How did I get myself into such a terrible situation? Why do I even bother anymore? This is such a tricky business sometimes. You are walking down a path that splits so many times in so many directions it's like tree roots spreading far and wide. I often find myself second guessing every thought I voice, every action I proceed with, and every expression that escapes my face- exposing what I truly feel.

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Since when was I so insecure? Since when do I let something get to me? Am I feeling ordinary right now? Of course not. Do not reply to me my dearest- only listen to what I have the need to get off my chest.

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I am a fool- through and through. Do not tell me otherwise. This choice I made was one made knowing the end consequences. It ends with me sitting so poised and perfecting watching the seconds tick by. Seconds I will never get back. Seconds I wasted waiting. Seconds that I could have given to someone else. Instead they went to no one.

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Do not reply my dearest; do not attempt to share wise words or south my aching soul.

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I have walked away from scores of people. I could not love them. They were nothing but ordinary to me. Even now still I find myself cringing at the thought. How ill of me to think myself better than that. How cruel am I to walk away from a golden opportunity. But I did- and I would do it over and over just to prove a point.

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I stopped for one though dearest. I took my coat and hanged it up at a place I find myself all too familiar with. I am sitting here waiting and wondering what I was thinking at the time I decided to hang up my coat. Perhaps it was time. Perhaps I was tired of wandering. Perhaps I thought it was a good place to stretch out and let my guard down.

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Do I regret it? Ha, no of course not. But sooner or later I have to stop being so indecisive and make a decision. Sooner...I suppose.