_________

I was really sad for a long time.

I'm still sad- but I have you two again. I am so lucky mama had more kids after me. You both make me laugh like I haven't in years. You make me feel loved even after mama left us. I was so sad because no one loved me. I was all alone. I had no one to talk to or make me laugh.

You guys are asking me to come back home to you two. I think I will. I think I will just pack up my life in a small box and leave everything behind. I know this would make our mom happy- us being together forever, but I am doing this for me. I am doing this because I want to be around the people who love me and miss me. 

Ah my heart is beating so fast. I am scared of what I am about to type. I will try my hardest to leave the old me here. The one who has seen death and blood with her eyes. I want to shed her away like an old skin and start a new one. You, him, me, the dog, and the baby. There are others who miss me and love me too but you are the only ones I care about. 

The youngest I cannot reach- the youngest I am afraid will not remember me. 

_________

My roommate has a parade of men coming in and out of her bedroom late at night. I can hear them through the door and the walls. I don't really think much about it. I just think about her little girl who is almost two sleeping in the crib right there in the room with them.

I think about how unhappy she is- the mother not the daughter. I think about how all these men who come for 'movies' or 'hanging out' forget to bring the DVD's or just have alcohol with them.

And how she always describes them as' been friends forever'. But they are always gone by late morning as she ushers them away so her daughter will not meet them face to face. How many friends does she have exactly? Where does she find these men who do not want love? Who never come back?

I guess I should count myself fortunate- the people who held me at night were there in the day. They loved me. I was special.

I hope to leave this place soon. I hope more than anything I never have to see her or her daughter again.

_________

Something old from me to my sister back in April 2012:

Man, I have done things even people deployed over here would be jealous of.

I have heard the sound of bullets whizzing past my head as I ducked for cover.

I have watched rockets fly over my head and land not too far off as the earth explodes from impact.

I have slept in the southern deserts of afghanistan in the cold with the sky covered in a million stars as my cover in full kit and in fear of being attacked at night.

I have talked to people I would have never dreamed in a million years I would meet.

But most awesome of all- the lizards in the desert I mentioned earlier? They will crawl all over you. AND they drank water out my my hand. SUPER CUTE.

I have not been on the internet in days. I am sorry for this but whenever someone dies we go into a internet 'blackout' so that the army can inform the family that someone has died before everyone starts posting it on FB like idiots.

I am well, a little sore right now but well. I hope you mail me things soon because it takes 2-4 weeks for a package to get here and 4+ weeks for a letter to get here.

I already got my first award badge thingy for being in combat, pretty legit yo.

________

I knew it was happening. Your hair was so brittle. I remember reaching out and touching it. I remember looking at it- frowning. "MOM your hair is so BAD!"

I knew it but I didn't understand it. Not my mom. Not my small family I swore to protect. NEVER.

I remember looking at dyes with Erika- we picked a nice one. I don't think you ever actually dyed it though.

I remember arriving. I remember coming upstairs and laying next to you on the bed telling you how stupid I thought you were but I was too tired from driving all night to be properly mad at you. I cuddled up next to you.

You know I loved you more than any one else didn't you? Who else would I drive that distance for? Who else would I drop everything for? Only you mama. Only you.

I'm so mad at you for leaving me all alone. I cant stop crying. You should have stayed or taken me with me you. I hate you so much.

_________

I'm a fool.

Thinking I could chase love. That I could have everything still. 

I crawled out of hell for you. I told myself no more crazy bouts of madness or depression. No more mood swings or tirades of tantrums. I changed for you. I was never capable of doing anything for my own well being. 

Pathetic. 

That's how I feel right now. 

To think I could finally stop running away from you and into your arms. To think you would love me like you did then. That you too still thought about me constantly of what I was doing and how I was. 

I'm so fucking stupid. I don't deserve anything good.

My mood just keeps getting worse. How do I change roles from the girl you could never get to the one who is anxious to change for you and doesn't know what to do any more. I feel as if I disgust you. As if you are finally realizing you don't really want me after all and just don't know how to tell me.

HA- dreams don't come true. People don't change. 

I will never find that happiness. Never.  

I lost you the moment I walked away the first time. 

_________

Should I start here?

....

I  married a man I did not love.
I told myself I was doing what was best for my family.

Now- I have no family other than the man I married. Time is slowly moving forward- dragging me with it. I don't cry all the time like I used to.

Ask me if I am finally getting better.

Just kidding.

Ask me why I take so many pills at night just to get a decent night's rest?

Because she haunts me. Day and night she haunts me. Demanding me to relive every single moment in pain and agony. I cannot breathe- I cannot breathe- I AM DYING.

'Why do you torture yourself? ` My husband asks. `You NEED to stop`

I don't do it on purpose I plead. I don't want to think about HER. ABOUT ANYONE. I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend none of this is me. None of this is my past- my life- my future.

It all dies with me. Every single moment up to now dies with me. I will not tell you of the blood- the guilt- the cries of agony. Why should you be my confidant? Why should I tell you of things you will never understand?

I want to die.

I know you hate it when I say it but I do. I cannot live in this world without HER without THEM. I take so many pills so I don't feel anything. I don't think about HER or THEM. The pills- they relax me so that I do not want to die. So that I do not think of my great loss.

What good am I?

What have I done?
I don't care.
Say what you will but I do not care.
I am nothing without her. I failed HER. I failed THEM. I do nothing but disappoint the people in my life and let them die as I stand on the sidelines. I push everyone away because I am so afraid of losing them.

I rather you walked away from me in anger and safe than- than to lose you. To lose anyone else in my life. Can't you see I don't feel anything anymore because I don't want to?
Can't you see if I don't take those stupid pills I might as well be dead after all?

I hate myself so much. I hate myself more than anything.