________

Darling, don't you know I love you? Don't you know that without you I would wither away? I am so frail when I am with you, my whole world revolves around you. To me you are the sun, and the stars, and the moon. Oh to be with you is a joy that I could hardly compare to anything else.

And yet as soon as you walk out that door something terribly wonderful happens.

With one long sigh I go back to my usual self.

No longer enchanted by my one true love I busy myself with everything else I've been putting off.

Oh darling don't you know I love you? Don't you know you will never find anyone who will treasure you as I do? Who will make you feel as wonderful as I can? I'm a woman of many talents darling, don't think that after you've had a taste of me you could just go anywhere and be satisfied. Always in the back of your mind I'll be lurking. How could you leave me? How could you go somewhere else? In private you confess everything to me, how I'm always on your mind. Your profess your love for me, dying and unrivaled. I cannot help but smile, what I want I always get. And I scare myself so badly just knowing this. But I am happy. You are the only one I want, the only one I desire. I made this spider's web just for you. This trap is only for you, this cave full of beautiful lies is just for you. Here we will stay forever.

Well, I will go out occasionally, after all I am a woman of many talents. And pleasure is my forte.

_________

Did the world just crumble down?

Did everything I try to do just shatter into a million pieces?

Did I just do that?

No, nothing has changed. I'm still poor as ever. I fall apart almost every day now. Monster or not it doesn't matter anymore. I'm still sinking faster in this ocean without any life preserve and not knowing how to swim doesn't help.

I cry because I'm so frustrated. I wish I knew how to fix this. I was so busy trying to do it all, I didn't have problems when all I worried about were living expenses. But I made the bold decision to go back to school a couple of months ago. How I hate myself for making that decision! How I want to beat and curse the very person I am. How dare I put myself into this situation! How dare I ruin my life! How dare I make myself fall apart everyday. All I think about is money. Money Money Money. I can barely afford to pay for the classes. I got by just fine until last week. That dreaded week when the shit hit the fan. I walked into my math class and my heart sank. I couldn't buy the book. I couldn't buy the damn book and homework was mandatory. I wanted to scream until my voice was a hoarse whisper. What a stupid decision I made! I thought I could pay for it, thought I could make ends meet somehow. and now I had to make a choice between Chemistry and Math. It's obvious now what I picked and yet my heart is aching so much. The life I lead now, I don't want it for any one. I wouldn't wish this on any one. I'm so depressed, so psychotic, anguish is my best friend and misery is my lover. I don't have insurance of any kind, I hardly eat anymore, I can't afford my textbooks, I can't afford anything.

Happy Birthday Miss Stephanie. You turn 21 on Monday. And you will look so lovely, and everything will be perfect and for one day we can pretend nothing is wrong and keep our secret.

And the secret is I bought a birthday gift for myself. I bought it a couple of days ago knowing I couldn't keep him. I named him Mozart Greenback Estrada. What a long name for such a tiny toad! I saved him from that dreaded pet store. Saved him and I love him even though I will hardly ever see him. He's so tiny and hopeless and yet....and yet he is so beautiful. The bright orange belly of his is so gorgeous. Orange is my favorite color.

So in the midst of the storm, something wonderful happened. A toad found a loving home with my sister. Now we have two turtles and a toad. But like the dog that I once had I'll never see them. At least they're happy.

And at least knowing that makes life more bearable.

_____

Such a beautiful lady she was, elegance and charm dripped from her persona like diamonds from a necklace plunging into a neckline. Yet she was terribly overcome by her own self and did not what to do. How could you defeat the monster when the very thing you're trying to fight against is yourself? The anguish was too much for her to bear, she wanted to run away as far as she could from this monster she created and yet everywhere she went to hide, she was there!

How childish she felt, how foolish!

And eventually she was no longer afraid. Numbed by the constant exposure she began to accept who she was and thrived on it.

And it was all so lovely. And everything was so beautiful. She was the belle of the ball.


"You're not a monster"

Everything seemed to be getting better. The whole world was a thousand shades brighter.

"You're not a monster, you're still you."

Everything was- everthing was...

"You're not a monster, you're still the beautiful girl I fell in love with two years ago."

She was, a monster.

"You've just screwed up is all."

She was, a liar.

"But I still love you."

She cannot face the truth. it eats her up from the inside out. She can't bear it anymore. Why can't she just be a cruel woman and let that be the end of it? Why can't she be heartless? Why can't she refuse to care?

Treat all men like kings, she was told. Give them only the best. She was every man's lover, every man's shoulder to lean on, to adore and be adored. it was all so refined and civil, nothing indecent was done. She was every man's dream. She became what every man longed for. A best friend to fall in love with.

And deep down inside she hid who she really was. That silly girl who read too many books and talked to fast. The one who would argue for hours about the infamous 'word game', the one who loved reptiles and played games for too many hours.

~~~

And for some funny reason I can't stop.

And I don't know where it all started.

And I don't know how I corrupted myself so much.

And I don't know how to stop acting.

The mask won't come off.

_______

To my shining star:

Today I made plans to betray you yet again. I made them as if I was making an appointment to visit the dentist. (As if I could do such a thing anymore without insurance of any kind.) I thought about my plans all day, I knew I would enjoy myself very much so. And yet, and yet everything changed at last second. Before I knew it my day turned into a shopping spree of sort. How could I betray someone I love dearly when I'm too busy trying to forget my problems with purchases? I'm suddenly in love with the idea of looking wonderful and wishing I had just a bit more. Just a bit more and I could wear something nicer. I'm a bargin hunter because I have no choice but to be one. I look at all the pretty clothes and wish I could afford one. Who wouldn't want to wear something nice? All the pretty things cost a pretty penny, and all I have is chump change.

Life is funny sometimes, you grow up, meet someone utterly wonderful, fall in love and wonder where it all went wrong.

I've had my share of seductions. Scores of men I've tricked and I'm not ashamed to admit I did so. I'm the sweetest fruit you've never tasted, the beautiful coat hanging in the display window. What would it feel like just to reach out once and touch something so beautiful? Truth be told it's not real fur. It's completely and totally faux pas.

I'm not perfect, no one is. I'm still a murderer of true love even if no one discovers it. Even if no one knows, I know. Oh miss trickster, how can you love one man and seduce so many? When did you learn how much power a woman could hold over a man? Did you ever consider their feelings? Of course not. Not once, never. I would bluntly tell them I'm using them, that I was intoxicated with what I could do and did do. And I was so sweet, so understanding, so loving. What an actress. What a great fucking goddamn actress I was. I would laugh and play ignorant. Smile and promise sweet lies. No one was hurt but me, no one felt any remorse for their sins expect me.

And now? Now I'm breaking my plans to betray, after I'm done feeling shitty of course. I'll go home, play MAG like an idiot and go to bed. I used to be a good girl, a young silly girl who didn't know what it meant to use people. And yet once i did and a boy or man would admit they've fallen for me I would get bored and move on. Who would be my next contender? Who would be the next prey? Who would I try and seduce with my false innocence?

It worked like a charm every time.

And yet, I can't still figure out one thing. My dear sweet shinning star, why haven't I tired of you? Why is it that after two years I swear on my soul that I will stay by your side? "I belong to you." I would whisper in your ear, "Only you. I belong to no one else."

Did you know what I meant by those words? Did you know what I was trying to tell you? I play tricks like the monster I am and come home to you. No one else will have me, no one else will claim me. I belong to only one man and that is you.

One day, and I hope that day is today, I will grow up. One day I'll put away my childish need for attention and just be happy for once. What more can I do? Every boy is the same. They all blur together into a giant crowd. If you've seduced ten men or fifty, what difference does it make? It always ends the same.

My dear shining star, you will never know the extent of my wrong doings.

And I will never forget them.

___________

For some funny reason it doesn't feel like forever since I've written. I actually conduct mini blogs in my mind all the time.

Like last week for example.

Why is it that I get yelled at for not doing something all the time? If I'm just standing there my boss goes crazy. And yet if I'm moving around I get scolded for not just standing there. Other people besides me don't get in trouble at all. I've seen them leave their registers and walk outside the damn store. My coworker tells me they'll get caught sooner or later. I've always been a hard worker, I'm afraid I'll get fired first cause I make everyone else look so damn bad. :)

Or the week before:

So it's pretty obvious he wants to get in my pants. It's written all over his face. At the time I didn't know he fucked everything that moved, or that he was with another girl for that matter. And even if I had I don't think I would have cared much. I was feeling reckless at the time. What would it mean to throw caution to the wind and act upon pure lust? To act like a reckless young girl who knew too little and experienced too much? I seduced him because I knew he wanted to be. I laugh at his attempts to romanticized me and pushed him to his limits. My friend from Texas laughs as I recall the whole situation to him. "What a tease you are!" he would exclaim as he explained to me what a danger I was to the entire young male population.
I dismissed the coworker of mine pretty quickly after I won him over. He was boring to me. I didn't care for dramatics at the time and still don't. His girl on the side was jealous. I was twice as pretty and didn't want anything to do with either of them. All I wanted was something fun to do to pass the time. And fun it was. He told me he wanted me. I laughed and said I wouldn't touch his dirty body for anything.
Sometimes, I can be too cruel.

~~~
Those are things that happened recently. I still live on my own, I work, I go to school. I'm your everyday young American girl trying to get by a day at a time. I eat ramen everyday and hustle unsuspecting young men for money or food. I've learned all too quickly what an advantage it is to be born female. All I do is act sweet. All I am is innocence waiting to be discovered. And like a trap I snap. Thanks for the date, the food, the attention. I give nothing in return but the hope and promise of a much more fulfilling visit next time. Half the time I don't bother calling on them again.

And what about this shining star of mine? The one who loved me so dearly?

Sadly, he's still here. He wishes I wouldn't do what I did. But I scoff at him. I have no money. I know I shouldn't use these poor souls but I do. It's a dog eat dog world. Sometimes I miss the girl I used to be. The one who was so in love and wanted a better future. I hate how the world hardens you. How it twists your thinking. Today I woke up in an RV with a boy I knew all too well and yet barely knew. He was my friend, a sweet guy who cared too much and loved too fiercely. And I swore it would be different with this boy. I would make a real friend. Yet I use and abuse. He kisses my hand lightly and smiles at me.

"Are you never going to speak to me again? Am I another one of your fan boys now?"

I try not to look at him.

"Will you call me later on?"

I admire my shoes on my feet.

"Stephanie. I like you. But I'm good at hiding it."

Finally I have no choice but to look up, "Not from me you don't. You kiss me way too tenderly. You hold me as if I'm precious."

He tells me he cannot help it. I am precious. I was meant to be loved. I only laugh at him. I don't want to be cruel. He tells me no one will know what happened.

My poor poor shining star. Do you know I've gone too far? I know what has happened. I don't dare tell you that yet again my attempts at making a friend has failed. How many boys now have I tried to befriend? Even the boy I live with longs for me.

I wonder what it is about me that attracts them. I'm a pretty girl, but I'm not gorgeous. I'm told the same things by every boy. I always ask them what they like so much about me. My smile, the way I bite my lip is too much for them. They wonder if they are as soft as they look. My hair, a regular brown and yet under close inspection my hair is a billion shades of brown. Under the sun, it looks quite lovely. My eyes, full of mischief. My cheekbones, so high and lovely. My skin, so soft to caress. My legs, begging to be kissed all the way up. Why should I go into more detail? Why should I describe how gorgeous my mind is to them? I'm mad. I don't want to do what I do anymore.

I want to be back in my tiny room with this boy that found me first. The one I put a ring on promising one day I would be his wife. I want to have eyes only for him. I really do love only you shining star. I wish things could go back the way they used to be.