_______

It's hard.

~

Some days it's hard for me to function like a normal person.

~

Some days I put on a fake smile and act like I belong. But in my heart I feel like I'm still in Afghanistan. They tell me it's normal to feel so out of place. They smile and assure me that everything I feel is so normal. But I'm looking around and everyone looks so happy to be back. I frown and think to myself, "Why am I not happy? What's wrong with me?" 

~

Yesterday it took every ounce of self control not to have a panic attack in the grocery store. The sheer amount of people alone in there frightened me. I feel like I was about to be ambushed. A sharp noise, a sudden movement, the deafening silence of it all- I feel like it's hard enough as it is without the memories to haunt me. 

~

Maybe all I need is time. I'm tired of so many people telling me I can talk to them. I don't need someone to talk to, I just want someone there. I want someone there to hold my hand and tell me it's okay when I freak out. I don't want to talk about the things I saw. I don't want to talk about it. I wish I had that one person who understood that nothing needs to be said. Everything has been done, why drag back? 

________

Things that should not be said aloud.

I have a lot of time to think these days, which isn't necessarily always a good thing. More often than not my thoughts drift to a certain gentleman. Sometimes I wonder why I made the choice to pursue the impossible. And I can't help but smile as the answer almost immediately pops into my mind. I chose the impossible because for once I felt like maybe I could be good for someone. The question of whether or not they'd be good for me never even crossed my mind. They fixed what was once broken inside of me. I used to shy away from so many potential gentlemen. I couldn't do anything for them, in my mind I was no good to anyone. Who would want a girl who could barely keep herself together? I felt broken beyond repair.  But he looked at me in a way I haven't known in years- I was someone who was worth something precious. 

~

Forgive me for writing such soppy things. I miss him terribly right now.

~

My dearest gentleman, you will probably not read this. I'm rambling right now and it makes no sense to anyone but I.

~

I'm listening to the song you sang to me more than on one occasion. I'm remembering how shy I felt- I've never had anyone sing to me really. How you held my hand and kissed it lightly. How you watch me with curious eyes. How you told me my eyes were lovely even though I thought they were a dull brown. How you found me intelligent, beautiful, and witty. How you admired my strength and independence. Tell me, how is it that you make me feel like I did years ago? I used to think that silly girl who had eyes for only one died long ago and yet I find myself blushing when I think about all the cheesy things you told me.

~

I loved how you called me 'Mi Amor'. I never told you this, but I was secretly thrilled every time you said it.   

~

It was sweet that you sat on top of the hill, constantly worried about me going out on missions. The fact that you wore the charm while I was out did not go unnoticed. The fact that you were relieved to see me come back was felt by both of us every time. What meant the most to me was that you understood my pain of losing friends. That you knew this terrible burden I carried and helped me with it.

~

I'm not saying this is going to last forever, or even that it will end tomorrow. I am grateful for what I have and each additional day is just a bonus for me. Even if it's far apart. I try my best not to compromise what I have with you, I don't want to jeopardize it. Even as I write this I know there are several others who wish they were you right now.  

~

I'm giving this 100%. You deserve nothing less from me sir. My admiration and devotion is all yours. No one will take it from you.

Women, and other terrible inventions

I have made many good friends this deployment. Unfortunately some of these friends have insane wives who don't trust them for shit and think every single woman wants them. Now I don't know what he did to deserve it and honestly it isn't any of my business. But what is my business is when they randomly decide to attack me online for no reason (I mean seriously? Not every woman wants your husband, some of us actually have good taste). I didn't troll her but man I was dying to. Names and occupations have been changed to protect his poor soul.

~

2:15

St

LOOK AT C

SHE TAGGED ME IN HER PICTURES AND SHE IS LOOKING GORGEOUS!!!!!!

~

2:17pm

D

you know my husband is married right are you seriously trying to get your fucking ass beat!!!!!

~

2:20pm

S

C is our friend? What's wrong with liking our friend? C has her man.

~

2:21pm

D

i don't give a fuck dumb hoe don't be telling a married man to go check out other people

~

2:22pm

S

Wow, is language really necessary? I won't say anything anymore. I apologize.

~

2:22pm

D

just because you have multiple people that u use to get what you want don't mean my husband should

If you had some respect for yourself I would talk to you right...

~

2:26pm

S

I have no interest in fighting online with a person I don't know. I already apologized. If you want just delete me from your husband's friend's list. There is no need for dramatics.

~

2:49pm

D

He's a grown man he can do what he wants. Just get it into your little bean of a brain that he's married & if you continue to say stuff like that to him...or be all flirtatious with him trust me I'll make your life miserable.

________

I'm easily frightened these days. I find myself sleeping more and more uneasily the closer I become. I jump at every loud crack and bang.

~

Some days I can't bear being alone with only myself as company. I beg those around me not to leave. I don't say why I need the company. Isn't it obvious?

~

I'm plagued by these nightmares. I can't share them. I can't.

~

How could I? You wouldn't understand. You weren't there. You weren't there.

~

But the few that were there...they want revenge. They want death.

~

Oh! If only it was that simple for me! If only I desired death for them! If only I desired a cruel end for them! If only revenge would make it right for me. If only evening out the playing field was that simple on my end.

~

Instead I grip my head with both my hands and weep. And I cry out how sorry I am. And we can't go back to before. We can't return.

~

I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. The pain in my heart is unbearable. I feel like I'm dying.

________

You hesitated before you answered. But it was an answer I wanted to hear.

~

Was it needed? Was it genuine?

~

I don't know.

~

A moment passes and I wonder out loud if you'll ask the same of me. You shrug and say there's no need to.

~

Is it that obvious? Am I so vulnerable that everything I feel flickers across my face?

~

My dearest wicked widow. Where have your masks gone? Where is your cruelty? What happen to no compassion? What happen to your web of lies and deception? You were once a reigning queen, when they bowed their noses would touch the floor. Every single one of them was a prisoner, willing and foolish.

~

And now it is you that is the fool. Stupid, stupid, girl. Some how against all odds you've regained that innocent shy smile, those sweet honest eyes...

~

I thought I lost you years ago.

_________

I once read, "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

~

I sat back and thought about it long and hard. I have made many choices in life (not all of them being smart) and I often found myself walking away.

~

(Today is one of those rare moments in life I find myself not thinking about this hellhole I am in. Today I am thinking about normal everyday worries. Which is a nice change of pace.)

~

It is almost two in the morning, I have waited for something I am now almost certain will not happen and find myself at a loss. How did I get myself into such a terrible situation? Why do I even bother anymore? This is such a tricky business sometimes. You are walking down a path that splits so many times in so many directions it's like tree roots spreading far and wide. I often find myself second guessing every thought I voice, every action I proceed with, and every expression that escapes my face- exposing what I truly feel.

~

Since when was I so insecure? Since when do I let something get to me? Am I feeling ordinary right now? Of course not. Do not reply to me my dearest- only listen to what I have the need to get off my chest.

~

I am a fool- through and through. Do not tell me otherwise. This choice I made was one made knowing the end consequences. It ends with me sitting so poised and perfecting watching the seconds tick by. Seconds I will never get back. Seconds I wasted waiting. Seconds that I could have given to someone else. Instead they went to no one.

~

Do not reply my dearest; do not attempt to share wise words or south my aching soul.

~

I have walked away from scores of people. I could not love them. They were nothing but ordinary to me. Even now still I find myself cringing at the thought. How ill of me to think myself better than that. How cruel am I to walk away from a golden opportunity. But I did- and I would do it over and over just to prove a point.

~

I stopped for one though dearest. I took my coat and hanged it up at a place I find myself all too familiar with. I am sitting here waiting and wondering what I was thinking at the time I decided to hang up my coat. Perhaps it was time. Perhaps I was tired of wandering. Perhaps I thought it was a good place to stretch out and let my guard down.

~

~

Do I regret it? Ha, no of course not. But sooner or later I have to stop being so indecisive and make a decision. Sooner...I suppose.

________

Once on a patrol I came across a weeping woman. She was crying and crying and crying. I looked over to a friend and asked, "Why is she crying?"

He assured me he would find out. We walked over to her and he asked for me. Turning to me he replied sadly, "Her son is dead. He died yesterday."

This woman, this heartbroken mother...I felt such compassion for her. Here you see my dearest was someone who loved her son. Here was a woman who could not read or write. Here was a woman whose world was so small and knew nothing of the marvels of the world. And yet her tiny world was shattered.

She didn't know about trees that grew bigger than sky scrapers, desserts that melted in your mouth, exotic animals you and I would only ever witness in a zoo, oceans that went deeper than we could comprehend... Do you see what I'm trying to tell you my dearest? I am fascinated by how beautiful it is, and I could never describe a silly flamingo to her. I couldn't share literature that moved me, music that soothes.

An Afghan once wrote: One should love only one and not thousands. The brightness should only come from the moon and not the stars.

He wrote it in his diary before he killed himself. I think it's about the most romantic thing I've ever read in my whole life.

He was also that woman's son. You don't have to go very far or know very much at all my dearest. Love takes you places, don't you think?

________

I'm thinking about you today. I try not to think about you at all- you know. Nothing against you, but thinking about you makes me feel sick and dizzy. It's not that I don't care for you. It's just my last memory of you involves a lot of blood.

You had the sweetest smile you know. That's what stood out most about you. That goddamn smile that was just so contagious. It could be wiped out so easily though. One time your easy going nature made me annoyed because I was trying to work and I snapped at you. Afterward you apologized and asked me if I was mad at you and never wanted to speak to you again. I was so tired you know? I didn't mean to snap. You had to have understood that the sun was high in the sky already and I felt like I couldn't walk another step. I wasn't mad at you. I told you there was a time and place for everything. You agreed there was and that stupid smile of yours returned.

I still have the ring you gave me. I wish I could tell you I never take it off. That it's stuck on a necklace tucked underneath my shirt. But I can't- now can I?

Sometimes I play with the ring around my neck. I roll it around in my fingers when I feel anxious. Today when I heard someone died I thought about you. I can't help it. Every time I look at them I think of you. They are you, the whole lot of them. And if one get hurts or dies it's like what happened to you all over again.

I wish I knew more about you, I don't know what your favorite color was, your last name, what your likes and dislikes were...

But isn't what I have enough? You were someone with a sweet smile and nature. You walked down the dirt roads with me and slept in the grape huts. You made jokes and shared your food. Isn't that enough? Isn't the ring you gave me for our friendship proof enough that you existed?

I wish I didn't feel so sick, I wish I didn't feel like the world was on a tilt and I was slipping fast. I wish I didn't have this panicking feeling creeping up on me.

It's hard to be okay all the time. Sometimes I let myself think about it, and then I realize it was a lot worse yesterday to think about you.

And yesterday when I thought about you it was harder the day before.

And the day before when I thought about you it was harder the day before that.

And the day before that...you understand what I'm saying right?

No you don't. Because dearest, you're not here.

________

A certain shopkeeper sent his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world. The lad wandered through the desert for 40 days, and finally came upon a beautiful castle, high atop a mountain. It was there that the wise man lived.

~

Rather than finding a saintly man, though, our hero, on entering the main room of the castle, saw a hive of activity: tradesmen came and went, people were conversing in the corners, a small orchestra was playing soft music, and there was a table covered with platters of the most delicious food in that part of the world. The wise man conversed with everyone, and the boy had to wait for two hours before it was his turn to be given the man’s attention.

~

The wise man listened attentively to the boy’s explanation of why he had come, but told him that he didn’t have time just then to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in two hours.

~

“Meanwhile, I want to ask you to do something”, said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held two drops of oil. “As you wander around, carry this spoon with you without allowing the oil to spill”.

The boy began climbing and descending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After two hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was.

~

“Well”, asked the wise man, “Did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”

~

The boy was embarrassed, and confessed that he had observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.

~

“Then go back and observe the marvels of my world”, said the wise man. “You cannot trust a man if you don’t know his house”.

~

Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all of the works of art on the ceilings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything had been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen.

~

“But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you?” asked the wise man. Looking down at the spoon he held, the boy saw that the oil was gone.

~

“Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you”, said the wisest of wise men. “The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon”.

_________

No one wants to hear stories about girls like us. They want romantic stories of girls who meet their destined love and their whole world opens up and gives way to a million opportunities. I’ve read about them countless times, over and over. It’s a story I never tire of. I love that this girl who doesn’t consider herself amazing and lacks confidence seems to find it slowly. I love how she meets someone who she just clicks with. Yes, sometimes there are hard patches between them but in the end it always works out.

No one wants to hear about the girl who is with a guy she can’t even make up her mind about. He wouldn’t be the main character. He’d last a chapter or two and she’d meet the real prince in the story later on. I could write a teen angst story with my eyes closed. They’re predictable and I love them.

But what about a story like mine?

When I laid eyes on you my heart skipped a beat. You weren’t terribly handsome, nothing about you stood out at all. Does me telling you this insult you? I doubt it will. I imagine you smiling and shaking your head at me.

In our first conversation I was fascinated by you. I had to get to know you better. Every part of me wanted to know every part of you. Oh my- doesn’t that sound lustful? Deep down I am a naïve girl. I wasn’t even thinking about sex, I just wanted to know you and be with you.

And I did, and with every passing day I grew to like you more and more. I didn’t try to control it or stop it. I just went with it. I remember the night I was sitting on the bench with you. I was so comfortable with you. Everything felt so natural.

And then you kissed me, and I was so shocked. And you kept kissing me. And it was a scene I replied over and over in my mind like a bad movie. It’s what got me through my mission. Thinking about seeing you again- it’s what got me through every mission.

Work got me away from you. I was struggling more and more with my feelings for you. I was so scared of what I thought I might feel. I tried to convince myself I didn’t care about you. I tried to tell myself I was just using you to pass the time. That you didn’t feel the way I did about you.

I did something stupid while I was away from you. I remember you telling me you’d only be okay with it if I would go with other people. How easy it would be if I didn’t care for you so much, if I wasn’t so determined to be loyal to you and only you. If only I didn’t care, if only I could be a cruel woman who enjoyed different men for different occasions.

The sad part is that I am that woman. I became her during my last relationship. A deadly woman who took her fill from whomever she pleased. How could I explain to you that I didn’t want to be her anymore? I remember telling you how easy it was to do things, how a true lady never reveals that she a manipulator at heart, a master of many.

When I was away from you I would mumble to myself that you didn’t want the same things. A bad romance doomed from the start, that’s what we had. You didn’t want me. I felt so hurt. What was I lacking? Where did I go wrong in my attempt you win your love?

The dirty vixen, she came crawling out from her slumber. With a yawn and a stretch she murmurs to me: Darling. Darling. Darling. Look at all these men. Surely we can have some fun here. And we played a bit around with some hearts and minds with such ease and grace it amazed me that I hadn’t forgotten after all- the secrets to men’s hearts.

Eventually I came back. I saw you and I wanted to weep. What have I done? I love you. I love you. I love you. This man whom is and isn’t mine. I love you. This man who makes me feel more alive than I have my whole life, this man who cherishes me and makes me wish I could give him everything.

And finally I work up the courage to admit that I do. And you tell me you feel the same way. You love me- but it doesn’t change anything.

When I finally admit to loving you it felt like I was saying good bye to my old self. My love isn’t pure or sweet. It’s tainted by this dirty vixen. She smiles, amused by me loving you despite everything. She goes over and convinces three young unsuspecting men that confessing to her will change their lives. She turns them all down but gives hope to one.

“Wait for me.” She teases him with a wink. I want to slap her, I hate it when she gets bored and wants to corrupt people. The sad part is that she is me. She wants to kiss him just to see what it feels like- she has no interest in him. The poor sap on the other hand is in love.

She seduces another and another. She loves her fun.

I want to cry- they aren’t the same. They can’t fill this need of mine. Their passion cannot match my own, their interests are far from mine, the conversations lack excitement, the teasing is boring.

Our romance is doomed. You whisper to me sweetly you can picture yourself with me for the rest of your life. You tell me you can easily do it with me. But you refuse.

My heart weeps- but every other part of me is fine with it. As long as you are around me in some form… I swear I will be fine.