_________

I am destined to be alone.

Don't frown now dearest. I was never much for human companionship. I never got along with my family. I was always hiding from them. I knew I was the origin of all horrible things that happened from a very young age. It was why I ran away. And even though the problems didn't stop I thought to myself that I needed to get further away. I was too close. How about a city away? States away? Across the ocean?

No- even that far I still manage to hurt the few people I care about. They are all convinced I hate them. Let them think I hate them. Let them think I am heartless. The truth that even I hate admitting to myself is that I care so much it kills me inside. I place all the blame on me. I make you think I am the source of all evil and you too place this blame on me. I will make you hate me. I will make you want to be far away from me.

I am convinced I could never make anyone happy. I have never been anyone's everything. I have never had to take direct care of another person.

I told her I would always love her.
I told her to never think that I didn't.
I married because of her
I got this home for her and I t
ried to bring everything she cared about with her.
I am still sorry I couldn't get Emi or Lupe or the other bunny or Sunny or the turtle or the lizards.
I told her what wasn't okay.
I told her that- she should never forget that mom always puts God first.

I probably push everyone away because I want to be alone forever and ever. I hate people.

_______

I miss you mama

Every day I wake up and I am so scared. I don't know what I am doing. I always feel like I am making mistakes. I wish you were still here so badly. 

I want to go back mama. I want to go back and beg you to stay with me or take me with you. I need you so much. Why did you leave me all alone? 

I remember when we finally got to Fremont. It was the anniversary of my friends death. Do you remember holding me so tight while I was crying mama? I was crying so much because I had this huge hole in my life that nothing could fill. No one understood my pain. 

And you just held me and let me cry and you looked so broken over your child. 

Why did I go off to war mama? Why did I leave you? Me, who is your daughter? Why didn't I stay? Why was I so stupid? Ryan turned out to be worth nothing. You were right mama. He was a coward. And I'm stuck here mama. I can't get out of this. I cant just turn my back on my country and say, "Okay I am done now goodbye."

But it's too late now. You are gone now. 

I wish I was gone with you too. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. Who will I tell all the silly things to? I try to talk to other people every day but it isn't the same. I don't have their attention like I have yours. The way you stop everything you are doing just to listen to me and your eyes are smiling as you tell me how silly I am. We would talk for hours. 

I miss that. I miss telling you things. I pray every night almost asking Jesus to tell you I love you so very much. I wonder if he lets you know. I know there is no suffering in Heaven so I don't think He tells you. Otherwise it will make you very sad that I am crying so much over you. And you will get mad and tell Jesus to let you come back because your babies are crying. I will try to be strong for you mama. I won't cry. Not in front of anyone.

Please don't worry for me mama. I am taking care of Monkey and Erika and Jesse. I can't take care of Lupe though mama. Will you bug God to tell Lupe to come back to God? I worry about him mama. I worry for Emily too. Who will remind her about God?

I love you mama.

-Your Lucy. 

Because it should be said while I am still alive.

If something shall ever happen to me, I do not want things to happen I know I would not approve of.

Don't let 'that' family attend. Do not let them anywhere near you or me. Don't even bother informing them. The only ones I care about are you three younger ones and mom's side. Everyone else can suck it. Do not let them speak on my behalf- none of them really knew me like you guys did.

Why do I say this? Because the bullshit statement not realizing how important someone is to you till they die is the worst! The people I love- they know who they are and I make sure to talk to those specific people as often as I can. If I love you- I will tell you. 

You can keep everything if you want Chicken Noodle. I don't really care what you do or how you do it. Although the army will help you. Everything will be free if you let them take care of it. A soldiers funeral is not a bad one. 

I can't stand to think of the fact that nasty aunts will pick flowers we do not love. A headstone that is sad.  A burial plot next to people I don't even care for. A ceremony full of fake smiles making up stories that aren't real. 

I'm writing this now because I can't stop thinking about mom.

She would want us to laugh. She would tell us she doesn't care what other people think. She would tell us to celebrate with a bad movie and awesome 24 hour burrito places because we should be rejoicing. 

Even if I do miss her. 

If it happens- rejoice. Cry and cry and cry and then make stupid jokes and eat food that is bad for you and watch my stupid youtube videos and complain how mean I was growing up.

Yesterday I was so close to finally breaking down.

Instead of lashing out in anger (like dad)

Instead of laying down and never wanting to be awake (like mom)

I went on a rampage and bought four giraffe shirts and one pair of giraffe socks.

It's so weird that I am so fond of mom's favorite animal. 

They have funny tongues. 

And if that damned man who claims to be my father is still alive feel free to spit in his face. What an ass. I hope he's miserable forever. 

_________

It can never be what you want it to be-

You know that- right? That singular passion you saw, that sweet adoration, that innocent love, that pure longing for their soul mate... it will never be yours.

It's like adopting a stray dog that years and abuse has taken it's toll on and expecting it to act like a sweet newborn pup.

They'll flinch away from you if you raise your hand. They are skittish and untrusting of all humans. They might be blind and bite at you in self defense even if you meant no harm to them. Do you remember Monkey biting you? You and I both know that you just wanted her to move over so I could drive- that she would be safer in your arms than roaming the car freely.

She's scared of everything. She bites at anything- she doesn't trust. She hesitates with every step- unsure of where is safe to walk. She's blind as hell.

But even after knowing me for years she loves me. She knows my voice, my touch, my smell. I am her owner. She knows that I would never try and harm her.

She goes into seizures sometimes. I always scoop her up into my arms right away and coo soft loving words into her ears. I stroke her fur- mumble how much I love her and how wonderful she is.

Even with moments like that I feel like I fail her still when I try to reach out to her and she yelps in pain as if I have struck her. It breaks my heart when it happens because I feel so rejected. But afterward she curls up next to me as if all is forgiven. We fall asleep and all is right with the world again.

One day it will be like that for us. You probably think it's silly comparing my persona with my pet. But other than my mother I relate to her best. She was rescued from an abusive owner- we gave her more love than what she knew what to do with. And slowly day by day I got to watch her open up into the beautiful dog she is now.

___________

The first thing you notice is the noise.

Loud and thunderous.

The second thing you notice is the dust. It's- everywhere. You can't see.

The third thing you notice-

Is all the blood and fact that where once were two legs is now one. That you could see straight to the bone. That pieces of him have been flung everywhere from the explosion.

The fourth thing you notice even before you manage to tear your eyes away from his body is the smell.

Human flesh- charred.

________

Wait Emi I'm scared.

Wait Emi.

Please don't let go of my hand.

The fear is so obvious in my eyes even a five year old child notices it. I grip her hand a little too tightly. We're in a place I used to know so well but these days any overcrowding is unbearable. Emi stops walking and looks up at me. I crouch down to her level and she kisses my cheek.

It's okay Stephie.

It's okay I have your hand.

_______

I've been thinking about you. 


It hasn't been raining nonstop like usual. Was this because of you? Did you ask the clouds to give us a small break so we could have our brief moment in the sun? 

Tell me. Do you remember our first kiss? Your lips were so sweet. I was weak in the knees and dizzy from how wonderful it all was. Baby girl- even today you're just too good to be true. Your gorgeous brown hair was so soft- I loved running my fingers through it. I loved your eyes and the mischief they held. You were always up to no good. How could I forget how amazing you feel? All I have to do is close my eyes. 

Such a devil you are baby girl. Did you think I wouldn't find out I was just another toy? I was okay with it though. I still am. Let me feel how vulnerable you are in my arms. Tell me secrets no one else gets to hear. Whisper to me how amazing you think I am. Kiss me fiercely pushing me up against the wall. You're a fireball baby.

We can't just be friends you know. Isn't every man your lover? But tell me baby- whose lover are you?

I heard you kissed a man today- heard you promised him nothing but heartbreak.

But yesterday yours was broken- wasn't it? Stop giving your heart to men who don't know how precious it is. Give it to me baby. I'll kiss away those tears when no one is looking. I'll love you more than any other man knows how. I know your dark secrets baby girl. You ain't no angel. 

________

I am good at what I do. You see dearest- I've had a lifetime of practice. This is my trade after all. I know all the ins and outs. 

So when you tell me what I've been waiting to hear since the first day. I'm relieved. Things are going exactly the way they're suppose to. No exceptions are allowed- you see? Not even you are an exception. You are not special. No one is. 

The real question is- when to strike? Should I do it now? It will certainly spare me pain. Oh- but I was always a gluten for punishment. Seems I can never have enough of it.

Do I need a second bow ring? 

Heh- no.  

It would be stupid to repeat the same mistakes. We are a temptress. We do not fall in love my dearest. Stop weeping. Hold your chin up. Happiness? Oh silly dearest- I sell the cheap imitation all the time. What did I tell you all those years ago? You couldn't take this mask off even if you tried. You cannot rid yourself of me. I am your reigning queen.

Let's have some fun!

Oh stop it with your sadness. Do you think I care? We will keep them around for fun. You love fun don't you?

Now there. That's much better!

 

__________

No one liked your scarf. Do you remember that pink scarf you wore? G said it looked so fucking gay and wouldn't stop laughing. Everyone did actually. I thought it was nice. You stood out, it wasn't just the scarf- your demeanor, your excited outbursts, that giant pack on your back. What on earth did you have in there Kunchinai?

Do you remember a couple days in? Do you remember giving me a piece of the bread from you pack? It was the most delicious thing I ate that entire patrol. Nothing has tasted so sweet since then. I shared it with so many other guys on our patrol Kunchinai. Everyone loved it. I was so happy- it made you happy just seeing me happy. I miss you Kunchinai.

That one time we were so tired. Do you remember the day before you died? We were sitting on a small dirt mound so exhausted. I poured water down your pack to cool you and you yelped in surprised. Everyone laughed Kunchinai. It was a good day to be us. Or so we thought.

Do you remember asking to trade weapons teasingly? Or showing me your rounds? Do you remember giving me your ring?

I still have it. I wear it all the damn time. I talk to it like it's you and ask how excited you are to be in the states.

What a short live friendship we had. There are so many other memories I have of you but these are the ones that stand out the most to me.

Today the ground scares me Kunchinai....I'm afraid everywhere I step will explode. 

_____________

I finally started this blog thing again.


I think I'll just move all my facebook posts to here since I have always open and honest with this blog. 

Today I noticed I had a amassed a small group of readers, some of them were brave to leave comments over the years.

It's funny because- I never thought anyone was reading this. 

I suppose....I'm not alone as I thought I was. 

____________

Question.

Have you ever been in love?

love is an emotion mutually shared between two parties, so no

you?

You can love someone who doesn't love you back.

but is that actually love

?

Of course- who is going to tell you that your feelings aren't genuine?

They aren't you.

They can't tell you that you're wrong.

Deep down inside you know if you love someone.

but if you love someone, and they don't care for you. that's all that matters

No.

That's wrong.

You can love someone with all of your being and want their happiness above anything else and want to do anything for them.

well if I'm wrong, it would be obvious that I've never been in love before

ANd they can hate you or not even know you exist

That doesn't make the love any less real.

It was a yes or no question silly.

no, I've neber been in love

It's rather wonderful.

so you have?

Yes.

and?

That's a very open ended question.

Let's see.

I loved a man with all of his good points and flaws. I loved him and wanted only good things for him. I would have done anything for him. And he hurt me bad a couple of times.

And one day I had to walk away from him. I still loved him but I just couldnt take the pain that came with it.

what age was that at?

And one day that love slowly changed from romance to a much tamer love. A love that was more of'as a person' than 'as a lover'

I was nineteen.

I still love him to this day but- as a person. I care about him but there's no passion between us.

He's a family friend now.

who broke up with who?

1:14am

Well. He left me twice but I ended things permanently.

I deserved better and it took him breaking my heart over and over and over to realize that I was suppose to be treasured- not taken for granted.

The funny thing was- I knew it was going to end when I joined the army.

He didn't write me a single letter during boot camp

I wrote him every day.

When I went through my MOS training I called him constantly because we finally had phone privileges. He was always distracted and cut them short.

But he swore that he loved me.

And all I did was cry because I felt like he stopped caring about me.

I felt- alone.

I begged him to see me and I paid for everything.

He saw me twice.

When everything finally ended- he begged me to take him back. That he was stupid.

I refused.

He wrote me constantly when I was deployed.

Mailed me packages all the damn time.

When I called him (which was once every two weeks) he cried and talked to me for hours.

He'd email me nonstop.

And I told him it was too late.

The damage was already done.

We could not fix what was broken. You can't turn back time.

So if you get anything out my past relationship- it's don't take the people you care about for granted.

And if someone isn't treating you the way you KNOW you're suppose to be treated.... walk away no matter how hard it is.

_________

Sometimes I'm out doing my own thing when it strikes me. Maybe I'm driving back home from the bookstore. Maybe I'm out with friends at a bar joking around. Maybe I'm in the embrace of a man I care for deeply. Maybe I'm not doing anything at all. 

It strikes me like a hard slap to the face sometimes. I can't breathe. I can't stop my heart from beating so fast. I don't know whether I should bolt from where I am or try and fight it and act as normal as I can. My heart feels like someone is squeezing it so tight. There is no where to run. Some how this monster makes me face my sins. 

Look at what a piece of shit you are. It tells me.

Nothing will atone for my lack of competence. 

Other times it arrives softly. I blink once and suddenly I'm back in Afghanistan. A small breeze picks out out nowhere- a blessed relief from the sun beating down on you. And yet it makes no sense. Did I not come back to Washington  It is not the place of eternal rain?

Yet I feel the sweat collect and the breeze cool me. I know the familiar way the ground gives in softy when I walk through the grape rows. The air coming gently in grape hut protecting us from the midday sun. The feel of that kit, my rifle in my hands ready for the  crack of a gun. My shoulders- they feel so sore. My back aches.

And suddenly- just as quickly it arrives... it disappears. 

_________

I admire people who follow their dreams. 

There's something beautiful about the struggle, the drive that pushes you past limits you thought could never be broken. I once got into an argument with a man who told me he would shoot for the moon but he would be content landing in the stars. It's a wildly popular quote which I've heard a million times. And yet for the first time I was offended.

"And you're okay with that?" I asked a bit too accusingly, "You're okay with just stars?"

He of course replied with a curt nod.

We went back and forth as he explained that trying his best was all that mattered. And for the first time I disagreed. What was the point in struggling my whole life and then finally giving up and settling? How could I live with myself knowing what I settled on was something I never wanted? How could I be content with anything less than what I wanted? 

And then it hit me what kind of person I truly was. I was someone who would keep going until their last breath for something I wanted more than anything. I would rather die trying than live wondering if I had just went a little further- would I have made it?

This person I have become after so many years of living, what a stubborn girl she is. I wonder when I became so strong willed. I wonder when doing my best wasn't good enough and I had to push myself even further.

What saddens me now though is that I can't think of any dreams I have now. My passion, my drive, my ambition- where did it all go?

Life- what a thorn in my side you are. I thrash and fight against you dragging me on and on. I'm struggling with breathing one second and the next you ask me to count off my dreams to you. What can I say? Make an excuse? Tell you how weak I feel? Admit that I feel defeated? That I would do anything to turn back the hands you are using to choke me now? I am forcing myself to be okay because of you, I am forcing my body to think it is healed, my mind to believe it isn't going insane, my heart that it isn't burdened with so much guilt and sorrow. 

Is it working? Sing me a song my love. Play a chorus for me. 

_____________

Buried Treasure.

Today I turn twenty four.

Today, I am overwhelmed by so much it feels like I can barely breathe.

God- why can't I be at ease? Will I be forever tormented by these things? Will I forever be haunted? Will I never get a true nights rest? Do I have to live with this regret? This burden that is so impossibly heavy I feel like I can barely make it through a day. 

Oh, a day doesn't go by that I don't break down at one point. I feel so dead inside. Are you happy? Are you happy I finally admitted it? 

I hate the way I am. I'm so scared of people now. Loud noises scare me, sudden anything scares me, I never feel safe anymore. I can't trust anyone. I lose my temper, I say things I don't mean, I end up losing all these things I care about.

Don't make me tell you what I saw.

Don't make me relive it. 

Why can't people just accept the fact that I want to forget it all more than anything? I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry I want to forget the people I cared about. I shame your memory. I'm dragging you through the mud because I'm just not strong enough to share it all. 

I'm such a fake. I'm not a strong person. I just fucking act okay. I'm so sorry, I loved you guys more than anything. You were my comrades, we walked those roads together. You had my back. Why wasn't I able to do that for you? Where did I go wrong? What was it that I missed? Was I not alert? Did I not ask the right things? Did I not talk to the right people? Did I not shoot in the right direction? Did I not step in the right places?

I feel horrible. Like a monster. It's been three and a half months since I got back. 

_______

I feel like an idiot. 

Why do I always do things I know are just gonna let me down later?

I hate that I always know better. 

I hate that I ignore knowing better and fucking do that shit anyway thinking it's gonna be different this time. 

What a joke.