_______

I wish I could take you with me.
I really really want to take you with me.
How it depresses me that you won't come.

It's what I want more than anything, if I begged enough you'd come. I know you would. But in your heart deep down inside I know you don't want to. I wish you'd be with me through thick and thin. I don't want to be alone when I do this. What if I change? What if you won't want me any more and I become a different person? It scares me sometimes.

Ah i dont know what I'm going to do anymore.

I'm so scared. The future scares me so much.

What will I do? Why am I doing it? Why am I going through with this?

I already know what the future holds and I cannot stop it.

I will be alone. We will drift apart.

It saddens me so.

_________

Darling, don't move an inch.

I love you just the way you are, helpless and insecure. Your fear delights me like no other. The unknown is something I always enjoyed and now you are mine alone. I doubt you have the strength to go on without me darling, I've made sure of it.

_________

Oh lately it's so quiet, in this place
I don't think much about you anymore
But if you're not here lurking behind every corner
I'm wondering, who's house are you haunting tonight?

-OKGO

I think one of the second saddest moments in life is when you have to part ways with someone. I say second because all the firsts in life are incredibly too tragic for you to understand unless you've been through them before.

Every fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending.

But every beautiful moment in life stays beautiful to you no matter what. Like Christmas, Christmas was always beautiful. I still remember the ornament I gave to an old ex boyfriend.

I remember thinking we'll be together forever. I remember him thinking the same things too. I remember all the secrets we would share with each other, all our hopes and fears and dreams wrapped up in one great wish for a better life together.

That wish still resonates in the back of my heart somewhere. I still remember his name, the little things I'd do that would make him smile. The way his number would flash on my phone would make my day better even before I'd answer it.

But the painful things are still there too, I remember leaving him. I remember making up lies because the truth was too painful. I could never face him and tell him the truth, how could I? Could you my dear reader face someone and tell them you didn't love them anymore? That one day you just woke up and it was all gone? Could you bear hearing those words? I couldn't bear it, I'm not strong enough to survive those words. And my dear reader I knew he wasn't either.

But the love of my life then isn't the same one now. The one I loved for the past two years I still love now.

I love you, I love you, I love you. I'm not perfect but I love you. I'd give up everything for you. Let this love be true, let everything work out and end right this time. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Don't let us screw this one up. We deserve to be happy.

Why did it have to end this way?

The pain is still fresh in my heart now, I have too many conflicting emotions I cannot help but taste the bitterness in my mouth.

"I want nothing to do with you."

How could I say that? I love you!

"I'm tired of all your lies."

Please don't let it all fall apart, I love you, i love you, i love you.

"I asked for one thing and one thing only. I asked you to stop hanging out with them. They don't make you into a better person. They aren't even your friends. Do you like who you are now? Do you like waking up in a strangers home? Do you like getting wasted and not remembering anything?"

...ah the tears don't stop even now.

"Don't do it again."
Don't do it again.

Obviously if you love someone, you forgive them. And I did.

Obviously if you love someone, you wouldn't do it again. The fear of losing the one special person in your life is too great.

OBVIOUSLY.

But he does it again.

And I end up becoming a mess, crying all over again. Who is this person? I don't know them anymore.

I broke up with them.

They say we aren't over.

It hurts, my heart hurts so much.

I love you too my shining star, I love you so much. I didn't want this for us. We were supposed to make it. We were supposed to make it!

I'm so mad at you. Why did you go back there again? You promised you wouldn't do it again. You did though and your phone betrays you. Isn't it funny? Your phone loves going off in your pocket, and it went off again and I wake up at midnight hearing it and answer.

You realized it all too soon and turned the phone right off.

And I realized it too.

And I called an old mutual friend of ours.

And I could tell you were there, but didn't want to admit it.

"Hello? Hey Stephanie! Ryan? Oh he's right here, did you want to talk to him?"

__________

His response:

Dear Stephanie,

I can only ask that you please forgive me if I did not minister to you in a more compassionate way.

Thank you for sharing these thoughts with me. If you would like to share more, simply call me at the church, 951-___-____, and we can talk more. I will be in tomorrow.

The gas card was a gift from the church. Please know that we do not throw gift cards at people. Times are tough financially for the church too. If we give someone a gift card, it is a sign of sacrificial love. Please accept use the gift card however you need it. That would bless Harvest greatly.

I know that you are enduring various trials. I can't imagine how difficult they are. But nothing is too hard for God. Trust in Him, and He will see you through. He loves you and proved that love through His Son's life, death, and resurrection. He promises hope and eternal life to all who repent and believe in Him.

In Christ,


Pastor D_____

I suppose speaking your mind does get through to people sometimes. D:

_________

I was always better with words on paper than speaking aloud. We met on a very fated Sunday afternoon on the bright sunny patio. I couldn’t stop shaking the whole time, I was so nervous. Was it obvious? Did it show on my face? Course not, I kept my sunglasses on to protect myself.

It wasn’t easy coming to church after so many years. I don’t think I would have come at all if it wasn’t for a book someone bought me. I remember laying on my bed trying to figure how much time passed. Minutes? Hours? Days? Everything seemed to blur together and I felt so exhausted no matter how much rest I got.

And then it happened, the doorbell rang and I was surprised. I keep no one close to me. I always enjoyed my solitude. Whether it was family, school, or work I always minded my own business. I don’t know how I managed to roll out of bed and answer the door but there stood a familiar face with a wrapped present and food.

“I know you love to read so I asked around at the bookstore for recommendations. This guy about your age said it was good.” They replied sheepishly when I asked what it was.

They had brought my food! Oh how happy I was, what a wonderful day it was going to be. I was tired of eating ramen day in and day out twice a day. It was a salad, a rare treat. 

They left and I ate quickly. Before I lived on my own I never appreciated food. How wonderful it tasted, how it feels for the flavors to explode in your mouth and a sigh to escape your lips. How long has it been since I’ve had a real piece of pineapple? To taste real cucumbers? I could cry from happiness.

The wrapped present was left untouched for hours, I went out but I don’t remember for what. When I had come back home it was late and it was there sitting on my bed waiting for me. I remember opening it and frowning.

Do you know what made me frown? Are you even still reading or did you disregard this letter already? The title of this book that had awaken me from my troubles, that had brought me to church, that had led me to meet you. Do you want to know what it was?

Don’t Waste Your Life.

Yes, what a title right? What a great title. I hated it on the spot. Oh but to read was a sinful pleasure I enjoyed like no other! How easy it was to escape into a book and away from reality! Could you peg me for a reader? For anything at all?

I read it, am still reading it. I wanted to cry when I was in the first two chapters. The writer begs me not to waste my life, begs me not to throw everything away. Begs me to turn to Jesus.

And that’s when it hit me, I had wasted my life.

WHAT? You must be thinking. YOU’RE SO YOUNG! No my dear friend I am young in years but I've experienced so much already I feel old to the world. You know those children whom bad things happen to and you feel sad because they don’t deserve that? I am one of those children.

I’ve been beaten, cursed at, felt the touch of a man having my innocence as a small child ruined before my time. What a terrible childhood I endured. But books saved me, books always saved me.

Seeing the title and reading about how not to waste my life depressed me more than cursing.

I came to church with one question: How to I salvage what I have left? I have waste it! I have wasted my youth! Help me before I die regretting everything!

But all I could do is cry.

I told you my current situation through tears. Do you know how hard it is for a prideful woman to admit she cannot do it on her own? How hard it is to face cruel reality and have no solution?

You told me not to worry. Told me God could do anything, to just keep looking for a job. Told me that worse things have happened.

None of it helped me. I felt like you threw a fifty dollar gas card at me and told me to leave. I immediately regretted coming to church right then and there. Of course that’s how the church would react! I felt so stupid. Of course no one would trust me, would believe me. I’m a stranger, not a body of this church. No one would take my word. No one would really care deep down inside.

I was so upset.

But listen dear friend, I’ve had time to think it over and now I am sound of mind again. I am no longer upset. God works in mysterious ways, does He not? I came looking for help, and He gave me you. Maybe you want no part of this, maybe you rather I never bother you again. If so dear friend let me know. I am still a stranger to you now, I doubt you even remember my name. 

You could send me to a counselor, I’ve heard about them. You can wash your hands of me and no one would be the wiser. You must have a lot on your plate already as it is.

Or you could email me back a reply with some real words of wisdom instead of telling me nine times that God parted the sea. I know he did, I know it’s amazing. I agree that it’s amazing but no matter how small or big a problem is still a scary thing to face wouldn’t you think? 

I can’t help but worry, no one can help but worry when something bad happens. We are all human. It takes someone special with great faith in the Lord not to worry. And lets face it I’m not at the stage yet. It is hard for me not to worry. The unknown is big and ominous sometimes.

I wish I could have told you all these things face to face. Wish we could have actually sat down and talked. But my tears get the best of me, I apologize for not being able to speak to you properly about why I came to church in the first place.

Today I read Pslam 37, I’m sorry I didn’t start on Mark yet. I promise I will. It was recommended to me and I read it once, and I thought it beautiful.

I feel like the prodigal son. I am off alone in the world except I’m not enjoying myself. I am working hard to create a future for myself on my own. The only plot twist I see here is that when it all falls apart I have no one to come back home to. So I stay with the pigs and dream on.

I wonder what God has in store for me, do you wonder the same things? You know, you’re still very young yourself. I suppose God has many exciting plans for you.

You know just between you and me I used to think about God a lot in the back of my mind. He’d always be on my mind and I felt a small comfort in it. I didn’t want to grow cold and hard. The fact that I wept so much on Sunday left me feeling relieved. I wept for the life I had wasted, I wept for the life I had ruined and now my future was blank. All I hear now is the writer begging me not to waste my life.

If you actually finished reading this letter I thank you.

If you reply it would be wonderful.

If neither happens well, well it’s okay too.

You’re a good person Daniel; God wouldn’t have put us into each other’s paths if you weren’t.  You don’t have to be a puppy lover to be a good person. You just have to show that to care.

I still haven’t used the gas card, that girl I met on Sunday wants me to go to some church thing on Thursday. I plan to use it then and then again on Sunday I will come back to Harvest.

How often should I read my Bible? Everyday? Twice a day?  Never stop? How close do you have to cling so that you don’t slip back into the world? I haven’t prayed yet, I’m scared to talk to God. I am ashamed of myself that I fail so miserably. They say he knows everything. I feel if he already knows there’s no need to tell him what I’ve done. Only ask what I should do now.

But then again I’m pretty sure he wants to hear from me. :]

-yours truly

the star polisher

_______

I've done everything I've needed to succeed. 

All the steps are laid out before me perfectly. Now all I have to do is take them one by one. In a few months I'll move again. Once again I'll be able to start over fresh.

Maybe then I can toss aside this temptress I've created.

I've tried so hard to detach myself from her. I've avoided all the fools I've wooed, tried to mend things with the one I did care about.

Oh my shining star the day is coming soon!

Soon I'll be far away from you and won't be able to see you shine from my new place. Will you find someone new? Or will you stay true for me and only me? Sometimes I feel so silly, I've made this web just for you to stay in and yet you were no fool like the others. You knew what it was and stood there anyway no matter how uncomfortable it was for you to watch me work my magic. Well shining star your sly temptress is starting anew. I just need one more class and I can quit my job. Quit and go full time at a real four year university working on my bachelors.

How exciting!

Fall is coming soon.

And after that is a very cold winter.  

_________

It'd be to awkward to make any reference to the last blog. It was written for a reader that I enjoyed talking to on late nights over the phone. Mr. New York, I hope you enjoyed your blog. The answer to your question is there and I hope it helps you better understand this silly pineapple.mango.

On a side note:

This blog will come to a close soon. I don't know when so I can't predict how many more blogs I'll write but I have a feeling it's going to be within this year. After about three years I think now would be a good time to end. Reading back I can't help but be fond of this girl, she started out worrying about her family to being thrust out into society and being corrupted so quickly. Watching the changes unfold was a rare pleasure.

What'll happen to the girl? I wonder.

Don't think I'll stop blogging though. A new chapter will unfold soon.

As for now? I am a lover of two. I feel as if I belong to neither.

[You hide in the shadows and love me dearly. I feel as if I'm the most precious thing in the world when I'm with you. It's a new exciting feeling. Never before have I felt so treasured.]

Neither man is on my mind right now.

What I'm thinking about now is one I haven't met yet. I have standards you know. I want an accomplished, intelligent, no nonsense kind of guy. I've never met one though. All I run into are silly boys who fall in love so easily. They haven't done anything and I'm left with a feeling of wanting. I don't want to fall in love. I'm so tired of being in love.

There's something I craze more than that. More than the feeling of being accepted. Sometimes I think I did become that cruel cold woman with the red lips.

Surely there's a way to escape myself. Surely I can find a way to reverse the process and go back to the way I used to be.

One day I'll marry you, you know. There's no escaping fate. When I said I would spend the rest of my life with you I was not joking. I am not a liar.

But if you fail to meet my requirements I will toss you aside like a rag doll. Never has my heart been broken. But let me tell you darling, I'm no stranger to ripping others into two.

________

So miss mango how did you end up the way you are?

Miss mango, that must have been one hell of a guy. I'd hate to be the guy who hurt you so badly that you ended up this way.

Do you just get a kick out of this? Are you that twisted?

~~~~

Love me. Love me. Love me.

Why don't you love me?

Nothing I do makes you happy.

Nothing I say makes you happy.

Why do you call me so many terrible things? Why do you hurt me so much? My heart is breaking, it's in a million pieces. I should hate you. I should despise you. Everyone tells me to. But I can't, I love you too much. My heart hurts, I feel as if I'm dying slowly. I try so hard to make you happy, to please you.

~~~~

"So Stephanie, who hurt you?"

"No one did."

~~~~

So, who is this person I try to please?

The very same person who can pull me by my hair and drag me across the family room of course.

Who is the person I cannot hate no matter how hard I try?

The same person who breaks all the beautiful things in the house of course.

I grew up a people pleaser, I wanted people to be happy. I wanted people to be proud of me. But sometimes little things make some people terribly angry.

Whether it's clothes on the floor or dishes left undone. Nothing is good enough for this person. I was such a good girl, I never did anything worse than forgetting to pick up my clothes my the bathroom. I was never rebellious, always kept my legs closed like a lady. Cussing scared me and a raised hand would make me flinch. What a timid creature I was, so frail and frightened.

What a good girl I was.

"You worthless piece of shit. You never do anything!"

I am a good girl.

"Little bitch, fake crying again, you like to do this to me don't you?"

I am a good girl.

"You're worthless."

Worthless?

"You're so lazy! Listen to me when I'm fucking talking to you! Look at me. Get closer now."

It hurts. It hurts so much. I can feel the pain in my heart and on my flesh.

Happy birthday daddy...I got you this card. I love you....

Happy fathers day....I love you....

Why won't you look at me? I remembered, I got you this gift. Why are you so stiff when I hug you? I am happy you're my daddy. Some people don't even have them...

Don't ignore me. Don't ignore me. DON'T IGNORE ME!

Am I here? Am I still alive? Everyone is walking by me, I swear I just turned invisible. I only exist when you're angry. When you want someone to blame for something.

All the beautiful people in this house. All the bottles hidden away. All empty. I wonder who drank them all....

~~~~

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt? To be ignored by them, that is a pain I cannot bear. To be abused by them, at such a young age all the way into adulthood and taking it without question. It's something I would never let happen to a child. I hate to think it happens everyday in silence. And I was one of the millions of voices who would cry in silence.

It's so silly, how warped your mind becomes because of mistreatment.

I swear I would never hurt a child and fear my own temper.

I fear it more than anything I try so hard to never be angry.

I wanted so badly to be loved.

~~~~

So miss temptress of men.

Tell me.

Do you go to every man and boy asking to be loved?

Asking to be wanted?

Asking for their attention?

Their wanting?

You throw them all away after you get that familiar feeling of acceptance.

It's like someone once said, "You go out and do whatever it is that you do and everything is right in the world and you feel happy. Then after awhile the feeling goes away and you have to do it all over again."

________

Come one, come all! Come see the amazement and the wonder! The most talked about spectacular to hit Chicago since the World's Fair in 1933. Ladies and Gents this is the time to step up to the plate!  Now now don't all crowd at once, there is room enough for everyone to see! Oh me, oh my! Don't worry ladies and gents you won't regret this, this is history in the making! This is a revolutionary thing about to happen! A once in a lifetime opportunity!   

I BRING YOU THE AMAZING-

~~~

Did you really expect something spectacular? Was I supposed to dazzle you? Right now I'm sitting down looking beautiful, I am a dazzling diamond. Everything about me is refreshing. I look so tempting too. White is so becoming on me, innocence never looked so sexy and sultry.

Oh temptress of men, look at how gorgeous you are. Are you happy? You just turned 21 and yet you long for the day you are old and frail. There you will do no harm to any man. You will seduce no one and live out your last days in peace. Will you be alone? Will there be someone by your side whom managed to stay resisting your poison all along? 

What man could love and resist me? I've tangled so many men in webs I've lost count of which one I haven't dragged along on a leash. I blend the truth with lies so easily. Oil and water are mixed together in an impossible fashion. How did I do that?

Oh miss temptress, be kind to your guests today. Be a cold beauty. Do not look favorably unto anyone today. Today is your day to enjoy more than any other day. 

Happy Birthday love. 

________

Darling, don't you know I love you? Don't you know that without you I would wither away? I am so frail when I am with you, my whole world revolves around you. To me you are the sun, and the stars, and the moon. Oh to be with you is a joy that I could hardly compare to anything else.

And yet as soon as you walk out that door something terribly wonderful happens.

With one long sigh I go back to my usual self.

No longer enchanted by my one true love I busy myself with everything else I've been putting off.

Oh darling don't you know I love you? Don't you know you will never find anyone who will treasure you as I do? Who will make you feel as wonderful as I can? I'm a woman of many talents darling, don't think that after you've had a taste of me you could just go anywhere and be satisfied. Always in the back of your mind I'll be lurking. How could you leave me? How could you go somewhere else? In private you confess everything to me, how I'm always on your mind. Your profess your love for me, dying and unrivaled. I cannot help but smile, what I want I always get. And I scare myself so badly just knowing this. But I am happy. You are the only one I want, the only one I desire. I made this spider's web just for you. This trap is only for you, this cave full of beautiful lies is just for you. Here we will stay forever.

Well, I will go out occasionally, after all I am a woman of many talents. And pleasure is my forte.

_________

Did the world just crumble down?

Did everything I try to do just shatter into a million pieces?

Did I just do that?

No, nothing has changed. I'm still poor as ever. I fall apart almost every day now. Monster or not it doesn't matter anymore. I'm still sinking faster in this ocean without any life preserve and not knowing how to swim doesn't help.

I cry because I'm so frustrated. I wish I knew how to fix this. I was so busy trying to do it all, I didn't have problems when all I worried about were living expenses. But I made the bold decision to go back to school a couple of months ago. How I hate myself for making that decision! How I want to beat and curse the very person I am. How dare I put myself into this situation! How dare I ruin my life! How dare I make myself fall apart everyday. All I think about is money. Money Money Money. I can barely afford to pay for the classes. I got by just fine until last week. That dreaded week when the shit hit the fan. I walked into my math class and my heart sank. I couldn't buy the book. I couldn't buy the damn book and homework was mandatory. I wanted to scream until my voice was a hoarse whisper. What a stupid decision I made! I thought I could pay for it, thought I could make ends meet somehow. and now I had to make a choice between Chemistry and Math. It's obvious now what I picked and yet my heart is aching so much. The life I lead now, I don't want it for any one. I wouldn't wish this on any one. I'm so depressed, so psychotic, anguish is my best friend and misery is my lover. I don't have insurance of any kind, I hardly eat anymore, I can't afford my textbooks, I can't afford anything.

Happy Birthday Miss Stephanie. You turn 21 on Monday. And you will look so lovely, and everything will be perfect and for one day we can pretend nothing is wrong and keep our secret.

And the secret is I bought a birthday gift for myself. I bought it a couple of days ago knowing I couldn't keep him. I named him Mozart Greenback Estrada. What a long name for such a tiny toad! I saved him from that dreaded pet store. Saved him and I love him even though I will hardly ever see him. He's so tiny and hopeless and yet....and yet he is so beautiful. The bright orange belly of his is so gorgeous. Orange is my favorite color.

So in the midst of the storm, something wonderful happened. A toad found a loving home with my sister. Now we have two turtles and a toad. But like the dog that I once had I'll never see them. At least they're happy.

And at least knowing that makes life more bearable.

_____

Such a beautiful lady she was, elegance and charm dripped from her persona like diamonds from a necklace plunging into a neckline. Yet she was terribly overcome by her own self and did not what to do. How could you defeat the monster when the very thing you're trying to fight against is yourself? The anguish was too much for her to bear, she wanted to run away as far as she could from this monster she created and yet everywhere she went to hide, she was there!

How childish she felt, how foolish!

And eventually she was no longer afraid. Numbed by the constant exposure she began to accept who she was and thrived on it.

And it was all so lovely. And everything was so beautiful. She was the belle of the ball.


"You're not a monster"

Everything seemed to be getting better. The whole world was a thousand shades brighter.

"You're not a monster, you're still you."

Everything was- everthing was...

"You're not a monster, you're still the beautiful girl I fell in love with two years ago."

She was, a monster.

"You've just screwed up is all."

She was, a liar.

"But I still love you."

She cannot face the truth. it eats her up from the inside out. She can't bear it anymore. Why can't she just be a cruel woman and let that be the end of it? Why can't she be heartless? Why can't she refuse to care?

Treat all men like kings, she was told. Give them only the best. She was every man's lover, every man's shoulder to lean on, to adore and be adored. it was all so refined and civil, nothing indecent was done. She was every man's dream. She became what every man longed for. A best friend to fall in love with.

And deep down inside she hid who she really was. That silly girl who read too many books and talked to fast. The one who would argue for hours about the infamous 'word game', the one who loved reptiles and played games for too many hours.

~~~

And for some funny reason I can't stop.

And I don't know where it all started.

And I don't know how I corrupted myself so much.

And I don't know how to stop acting.

The mask won't come off.

_______

To my shining star:

Today I made plans to betray you yet again. I made them as if I was making an appointment to visit the dentist. (As if I could do such a thing anymore without insurance of any kind.) I thought about my plans all day, I knew I would enjoy myself very much so. And yet, and yet everything changed at last second. Before I knew it my day turned into a shopping spree of sort. How could I betray someone I love dearly when I'm too busy trying to forget my problems with purchases? I'm suddenly in love with the idea of looking wonderful and wishing I had just a bit more. Just a bit more and I could wear something nicer. I'm a bargin hunter because I have no choice but to be one. I look at all the pretty clothes and wish I could afford one. Who wouldn't want to wear something nice? All the pretty things cost a pretty penny, and all I have is chump change.

Life is funny sometimes, you grow up, meet someone utterly wonderful, fall in love and wonder where it all went wrong.

I've had my share of seductions. Scores of men I've tricked and I'm not ashamed to admit I did so. I'm the sweetest fruit you've never tasted, the beautiful coat hanging in the display window. What would it feel like just to reach out once and touch something so beautiful? Truth be told it's not real fur. It's completely and totally faux pas.

I'm not perfect, no one is. I'm still a murderer of true love even if no one discovers it. Even if no one knows, I know. Oh miss trickster, how can you love one man and seduce so many? When did you learn how much power a woman could hold over a man? Did you ever consider their feelings? Of course not. Not once, never. I would bluntly tell them I'm using them, that I was intoxicated with what I could do and did do. And I was so sweet, so understanding, so loving. What an actress. What a great fucking goddamn actress I was. I would laugh and play ignorant. Smile and promise sweet lies. No one was hurt but me, no one felt any remorse for their sins expect me.

And now? Now I'm breaking my plans to betray, after I'm done feeling shitty of course. I'll go home, play MAG like an idiot and go to bed. I used to be a good girl, a young silly girl who didn't know what it meant to use people. And yet once i did and a boy or man would admit they've fallen for me I would get bored and move on. Who would be my next contender? Who would be the next prey? Who would I try and seduce with my false innocence?

It worked like a charm every time.

And yet, I can't still figure out one thing. My dear sweet shinning star, why haven't I tired of you? Why is it that after two years I swear on my soul that I will stay by your side? "I belong to you." I would whisper in your ear, "Only you. I belong to no one else."

Did you know what I meant by those words? Did you know what I was trying to tell you? I play tricks like the monster I am and come home to you. No one else will have me, no one else will claim me. I belong to only one man and that is you.

One day, and I hope that day is today, I will grow up. One day I'll put away my childish need for attention and just be happy for once. What more can I do? Every boy is the same. They all blur together into a giant crowd. If you've seduced ten men or fifty, what difference does it make? It always ends the same.

My dear shining star, you will never know the extent of my wrong doings.

And I will never forget them.

___________

For some funny reason it doesn't feel like forever since I've written. I actually conduct mini blogs in my mind all the time.

Like last week for example.

Why is it that I get yelled at for not doing something all the time? If I'm just standing there my boss goes crazy. And yet if I'm moving around I get scolded for not just standing there. Other people besides me don't get in trouble at all. I've seen them leave their registers and walk outside the damn store. My coworker tells me they'll get caught sooner or later. I've always been a hard worker, I'm afraid I'll get fired first cause I make everyone else look so damn bad. :)

Or the week before:

So it's pretty obvious he wants to get in my pants. It's written all over his face. At the time I didn't know he fucked everything that moved, or that he was with another girl for that matter. And even if I had I don't think I would have cared much. I was feeling reckless at the time. What would it mean to throw caution to the wind and act upon pure lust? To act like a reckless young girl who knew too little and experienced too much? I seduced him because I knew he wanted to be. I laugh at his attempts to romanticized me and pushed him to his limits. My friend from Texas laughs as I recall the whole situation to him. "What a tease you are!" he would exclaim as he explained to me what a danger I was to the entire young male population.
I dismissed the coworker of mine pretty quickly after I won him over. He was boring to me. I didn't care for dramatics at the time and still don't. His girl on the side was jealous. I was twice as pretty and didn't want anything to do with either of them. All I wanted was something fun to do to pass the time. And fun it was. He told me he wanted me. I laughed and said I wouldn't touch his dirty body for anything.
Sometimes, I can be too cruel.

~~~
Those are things that happened recently. I still live on my own, I work, I go to school. I'm your everyday young American girl trying to get by a day at a time. I eat ramen everyday and hustle unsuspecting young men for money or food. I've learned all too quickly what an advantage it is to be born female. All I do is act sweet. All I am is innocence waiting to be discovered. And like a trap I snap. Thanks for the date, the food, the attention. I give nothing in return but the hope and promise of a much more fulfilling visit next time. Half the time I don't bother calling on them again.

And what about this shining star of mine? The one who loved me so dearly?

Sadly, he's still here. He wishes I wouldn't do what I did. But I scoff at him. I have no money. I know I shouldn't use these poor souls but I do. It's a dog eat dog world. Sometimes I miss the girl I used to be. The one who was so in love and wanted a better future. I hate how the world hardens you. How it twists your thinking. Today I woke up in an RV with a boy I knew all too well and yet barely knew. He was my friend, a sweet guy who cared too much and loved too fiercely. And I swore it would be different with this boy. I would make a real friend. Yet I use and abuse. He kisses my hand lightly and smiles at me.

"Are you never going to speak to me again? Am I another one of your fan boys now?"

I try not to look at him.

"Will you call me later on?"

I admire my shoes on my feet.

"Stephanie. I like you. But I'm good at hiding it."

Finally I have no choice but to look up, "Not from me you don't. You kiss me way too tenderly. You hold me as if I'm precious."

He tells me he cannot help it. I am precious. I was meant to be loved. I only laugh at him. I don't want to be cruel. He tells me no one will know what happened.

My poor poor shining star. Do you know I've gone too far? I know what has happened. I don't dare tell you that yet again my attempts at making a friend has failed. How many boys now have I tried to befriend? Even the boy I live with longs for me.

I wonder what it is about me that attracts them. I'm a pretty girl, but I'm not gorgeous. I'm told the same things by every boy. I always ask them what they like so much about me. My smile, the way I bite my lip is too much for them. They wonder if they are as soft as they look. My hair, a regular brown and yet under close inspection my hair is a billion shades of brown. Under the sun, it looks quite lovely. My eyes, full of mischief. My cheekbones, so high and lovely. My skin, so soft to caress. My legs, begging to be kissed all the way up. Why should I go into more detail? Why should I describe how gorgeous my mind is to them? I'm mad. I don't want to do what I do anymore.

I want to be back in my tiny room with this boy that found me first. The one I put a ring on promising one day I would be his wife. I want to have eyes only for him. I really do love only you shining star. I wish things could go back the way they used to be.