My best friend

 I love you

I love you so much

And it hurts it hurts so bad

I love you little Monkey 

After 15 years together I keep begging in my head. Just one more day, month year. 

I did everything I could to make sure you were happy and healthy. Your tests always came back perfect every year and the vets would be amazed at how healthy you were.

But I'm watching you spin in circles nonstop and I know your mind isn't what it used to be. And I imagine you are in a lot of pain.

I don't want to lose you. You have been here for half of my whole life so far. It feels impossible- you not being here.

I can't write anymore it's too hard. 

What I can't say out loud.

 I cried when I talked about you. About how much of a burden I was and how I felt like a child. Sitting there as you de-tangled hair. I can't even take care of myself.

 

I'm sorry for being a burden.

Everything’s broken and nothing is where it’s supposed to be.

My first thought is I need to get everything (being all my thoughts) into order. Because I feel as if my mind is a jumbled mess. 

And getting it into order will help me express myself more clearly. And not be such a big mess of contradictions.

My second thought is that if I share this he won’t understand it anyway. Or that he won’t care. Or that will drive us further apart. So basically I can’t imagine anything good coming out of it.

I have to stop and ask myself two questions. 

One, do I still love him? Yes.

Two, do I want to end it? I don’t know.

To love someone but feel so unhappy. It’s tormenting. Every anxious feeling I had the first time around when things fell apart are coming back.

The lack of empathy cripples me. The lack of affection makes me feel lonely.

This isn’t to say I am not blameless, I freely take all the blame. I know what a twisted messed up person I am. I rightly realize I don’t deserve to be happy, that I should suffer every pain imaginable until I die.

Pausing for a second and reading this- truly can I ever overcome my guilt for being alive? Survivors guilt is such a bitch.

Knowing in my heart I don’t deserve happiness.

Knowing in my mind I want to be happy.

Knowing that despite my torn conflicting emotions something has to give.

I know why it’s so hard. I push and I push and I push so that I can be alone. So that I can’t hurt anyone else.

My doctor is right. I spent my whole childhood knowing it was my fault. That I was the source of conflict, that everything is better when I am not around.

Growing up hated by a parent. Having my earliest memories being always unwanted, always being told I am worthless, it’s increasingly difficult to hold any sense of self worth.

And when you feel as worthless as I do- and everyone is dying but you... God did I just make a connection?!

Growing up beaten constantly, being told how worthless I am, what a bad child I was. As a parent now it enrages me! What kind of parent would do that to a child?! Children deserve love. They need affection. 

My logical mind and twisted heart. Always conflicting. 

My survivors guilt is tenfold. Someone as worthless as me did not deserve to live compared to any other soldier I watch suffer loss of limb or life.

And I think to myself now- what value do I hold? Who here on earth holds any value for my life? For myself? 

I can only imagine my child. She truly loves me. And she is the only one I feel love from. If anything ever happened to her- I would kill myself without hesitation.

I started this because I wanted to sort out my feelings. Do I want to be in a relationship with the only man I ever really loved? Can it succeed despite my attempts at self sabotage?

Do I listen to my mind and end it now? My logical mind is screaming at me that I am not ready! That I have such a long way to go at being healthy!

My heart- all I can hear is crying. I can’t bear to listen to it anymore. 

If I try to reflect upon last night. Crying because everyone I had ever cared for in my life left me. Crying because many people friends and family are dead and I am alive. 

To receive no empathy. No love in my time of grief and loss and tears. 

Do I even deserve it?

What was I expecting? For someone in my life for the first time ever to tell me it was going to be okay?

For someone to say- 

I am here.

I love you.

I am here.

I acknowledge your pain.

When I read what I want to hear. It almost brings me to tears. 

Writing and reading this again- it just jumbles up my mind even more.

I can’t win.

To those who read sometimes and forget

Happy 10 years! 

I checked today and noticed it was already 2018.

My first blog was back in 2008.

And to celebrate I deleted 2 posts.

I promise to never delete a post again

XOXO

Ring

A couple of people lost their limbs already. I thought the worst was over. I thought we would make it. Just one more day and the week long patrol would be over.

No one had ever hid an IED in the dirt walls before. The walls stretch on forever on every side. And if you did plant one, how would you know which way the bomb should face? Shouldn’t it face the road? No- it was facing the farms- the grape vines.

Ready and waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

One man jumps over.

Another

Another

Another

Another

Another

BOOM

The dust.

It was every where

My heart sinking, it’s in freefall. No. No. No.

I already know. I already know but I deny it. No one has ever died in the center of the line, it’s always the guys in the front who are in the most danger. Not us. NOT US.

The helicopter is already in bound. Another squad nearby had their medic lose both of their legs. Thank god, maybe you can be saved. The rest of us start jumping that same wall.

The dirt ground is soaked in your blood. There’s so much. There’s too much.

Three limbs.

You lost three limbs.

Chunks of flesh, I can’t forget what they look like. That smell. The dust. The noise. Ah, I’m shaking but I won’t stop. I can’t afford to forget this feeling.

They load you onto the chopper last second. It wasn’t meant for you originally. All of the afghan soldiers are crying. I slump next to the long wall. I’m numb.

I miss you. 

_______

If I am honest, 100% honest with myself- will it help with recovery?

I'm afraid. 
   
I'm also filled with self loathing. 

I say I want to get better, I probably want to- heh. But I stop myself. I know why. I cling to my self hatred and caress it like an old lover. I won't ever let go of it you know.

I watch them die, one by one. Giving up on life at last. I watch them and I know.

I also know the secret- the secret every other service member like me has

My turn will come one day.

I see it, in their eyes, their actions. They long to be with the ones who passed before us. The burden becomes heavier and more painful. And with the loss of another person to share it with- it helps crumble even the strongest of us.

One day- I'll give up too. 

I don't know when I will. But it will happen. I'm a perfect candidate. 

How lonely it must be

I tell myself today is going to be a good day. And it did start off as one. It can't end like one though.

It's amusing that it just takes one thing to ruin a day. One negative thing can just bring everything down. And no amount of distraction or positive energy can fix it.

Maybe I am doing things wrong. Maybe I am an insufferable fool. Maybe no one is telling me but I am an incredibly unlikable person. 

Or maybe it's just not obvious how much it hurts to be me. I should try to be more vocal about how lonely it is to never have anyone to talk to, never have anything to do. I could go weeks at a time without interacting with another adult. It makes me want to kill myself.

It really does. But I don't. The only thing that stops me is that then Coraline will be alone. And she won't have anyone to talk to either. And she will be just as lonely as I am. 

No one answers my phone calls or messages. If they do it's at the end of the day after the moment has passed or days later.

All week I was looking forward to visiting my aunt. My mom's big sister. I told her ahead of time and she said to let her know the day of. I called today.

"We're at the park!" She says.

I ask how long it will be.

"Well actually we are here for a baby shower. For Jane."

That's her son's wife. No one told me. No one invited me. How awkward. How painfully awkward.

"Well you can come if you want. Bring Cora! I want to see Cora."

"No, it's okay. We weren't invited. I don't even have a gift. It would be weird. Your son and his wife didn't invite me"

"No he just said you can come! It's okay come! Jane didn't invite a lot of people because she thought no one would come"

I didn't go. I told her I would contact her another time. It depressed me so much. I try so hard to be close to people. To just have a conversation with someone. And all day I have been holding in the tears and I just don't understand what I am doing wrong.

I miss my mom. She would call me every day. Ask me about my day. Remind me to eat. Talk about things that weren't important.

I miss having someone who cares about me. I miss having a family. Ah- I'm finally crying. And the tears are so bitter and they don't make me feel any better.

I hope when school starts this month I will finally be happy. I hope I will be busy and talk to people all the time! And I won't be so lonely and isolated from the whole world stuck in a corner with only a baby and a dog for company.

Moon!

Most days are bad. Like today- it's just not a good day for me. I wonder when I will finally have my good day. When everything isn't putting me into the worst mood ever. 

If I had to live with a copy of myself I think I would go crazy. I already drive myself crazy as it is. Why can't anything make me happy? Why am I always so fucking depressed? Why can't I just get on with my life and over my PTSD?

It's so stupid. I wish I could wave a magic wand and just be OKAY. I don't want to be awesome or fantastic- I just want a damn passing grade.

It's been so long since I have confided in you old friend. Let me think on what I should update you with.

Coraline is 2 now. She turns 3 December 10th. Terrible twos are the worst. Nothing makes my kid happy either. Jesus am I rubbing off on her or is she rubbing off on me? 

Monkey turned 11 today. Happy birthday old doggo~

I move next month on the 15th of July. I am more than looking forward to it.

My mom was supposed to turn 49 today. I bought a really expensive cake and sang to my stupid dog. The cake was under-baked and I got into a fight with my brother in law like I always do. What a fucking selfish prick. Everything is his- nothing I do is good enough and he is never grateful. I'm struggling with bills and they just live rent free willy nilly.

Fuck you too buddy. YOU ARE WELCOME FOR THE HELP YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE.

Coraline and I just got back from Target. After we parked she pointed to the sky and yelled, "MOON!"

I looked up at the sky and there it was- all bright and shit. 

Yeah thats a fucking moon alright Cora, good job.

Friendships you wish you never lost

Do you ever find yourself thinking about people from your past? Wondering where life look them and if it was kind enough to treat them well? 


I haven't talked to you since I said everything was okay. What a fantastic liar I was. I knew you needed to hear it. Your conscious would never stopped bothering you otherwise. I remember every little thing like it was yesterday. How scary it all was. How we created this tiny world only a select few got to live in. How happy we all were-

How it wasn't real. And every time you left I was alone to face the monsters. The bad things don't stand out nearly as much as the good. Nothing can possibly outweigh the good in you old friend. It's been years. 

I'm thinking about your troubles when I last saw you. In and out of the doctors office and so frustrated. You told me you were legitimately angry. That the doctor couldn't possibly understand you were mad at people for their incompetence instead of something deeper. 

I remember shuffling my boots. Looking down at them really hard. Like they were the most interesting thing in the damn world. You were angry. I knew you were. I nodded my head. Yes. That doctor is so dumb. 

I knew the reality. Yes those people were the worst. But you were angry the most at yourself. You were angry at what you did to our tiny world. You took a fucking baseball bat and shattered it. Jumped up and down and stomped the shit out of it. 

Months passed and I finally reached out to you again. Hello B. I forgive you. B please stop being so angry. Stop blaming yourself. 

The relief I heard on the other end was like this huge weight finally slipped off your shoulders. Thank you. Thank you I really needed that. I'm sorry. It was out of my hands.

Today old friend I find myself thinking about you. And the small gift I gave you. Embedded was a tiny lie. I couldn't bear to see you so miserable. I wish that I could tell you now that tiny lie is finally a truth. 

I hope one day you reach out to me and your other friends. I hope you are happy. You deserve it. Even if you think you should still be punished for what you did all those years ago. 

Before I make a Mistake

I have a daughter. Her name is Coraline. Do you know how many months went into thinking about her name? About five. For five months after I found out she was a girl and not a boy (like I wanted) I debated endlessly. 

And after I met her I realized the name suits her perfectly. She's just as adventurous and easily bored. Although on my end I admit naming your child after a mistype in a book might be on par with naming your child Blanket or Apple. Not as bad- but still pretty terrible. Everyone mispronounces her name and I feel awful for it. I wonder how she will feel about it in the future. Only time will tell. 

I know I can do better with her. I know I can be a better parent. More understanding. Spend more quality time with her.Teach her things and encourage that natural curiosity of hers. I don't though. Being pregnant alone was exhausting. I spent a majority of the nights on Google typing "Single and Pregnant" or "Pregnant and alone" only to find that everyone suggested to surround yourself by friends and family. And I had none. I was literally alone. As in there was no one.

The exhaustion of pregnancy gave way to the exhaustion of being a new and still single mom. That in itself was horrible. I dislike both pregnancy and babies immensely. 

And now that I have this new toddler I am looking at her warily wondering where we go from here. 

Everyone talks about how wonderful it all is. How life changing.

I agree on only the second part so far. 

Now excuse me while I clean up all the clutter on the floor for the millionth time. 

The Rut Known as Life

Today was one of those days where problems come all at once as usual. Why can't small problems happen every once in awhile instead of dog piling? Its like life is out to get you- ready to beat you senseless with a stick.

But later on after putting off going back to the University for ages I finally did it, I applied and promised myself I would go. And I sat down with a friend and solved one math problem after another. I wish life was as easy as solving math. Not that math was easy. We had to google five of the ten questions for steps on how to solve them. But it felt so good figuring everything out and feeling confident about our answers. 

It was a perfect. 100%.

Unfortunately life is messy. My rent is going up, the pet fees are going way up. The United States government was a victim of a cyber attack and now all of my personal information is out there in the world being abused by God knows who. I already had my bank account compromised once. My ex won't help with our child and regards us with such disdain it constantly makes me feel physically ill. My PTSD and anxiety plagues me constantly. At any given moment I fell frustrated and stress out for the smallest things. 

I am a broken record.

This needs to be fixed. But how? 

On being a parent

I want to write about what it's like being a first time single mom. I want to talk about what it's like being a disabled veteran with severe PTSD trying to raise a child alone. I want to write what it's like being stuck with someone you don't like half the time and you just want to be alone for five minutes where a toddler and a blind old dog don't follow you into every room and you can't even take a shit or a shower without being hounded. 

I know I am not alone. I know it sounds awful of me to say sometimes I despise the both of them. I am a solitary person. I enjoy being alone. So having two unwanted things in my life make every day difficult. So many people told me to my face I couldn't handle this. That I wasn't capable of raising anyone and was a danger to myself and others. 

Maybe they are right. But maybe not. I don't know yet. Yes it is hard. Incredibly. It took all the self control in the world not to shake my baby when she was younger. I have yelled at her yes. In those moments where I didn't know where the formula money was going to come from and my self hatred for not being able to breast feed I yelled. I lost it and yelled and yelled and yelled. I was alone. I had no one to rely on but myself. Everyone says they are there for you. But let's face it. They have their own lives. Their own problems. 

I don't know how I made it this far. But I did. I have a healthy happy 11 month old. Soon to be a year on the 10th of December. 

How do I juggle a child and my PTSD? 

I don't know. It's hard. Harder than anything. I think it's easier to face war and deployment than raising another person. It was easier facing an abusive dad and an addicted mother growing up. 

Raising a kid takes all of me and much more. I am aging at an incredible pace. I feel physically old and sick. I am borrowing time and energy from my future self. 

To anyone struggling know you are not alone. But all we can do is flail. 

_________

I was really sad for a long time.

I'm still sad- but I have you two again. I am so lucky mama had more kids after me. You both make me laugh like I haven't in years. You make me feel loved even after mama left us. I was so sad because no one loved me. I was all alone. I had no one to talk to or make me laugh.

You guys are asking me to come back home to you two. I think I will. I think I will just pack up my life in a small box and leave everything behind. I know this would make our mom happy- us being together forever, but I am doing this for me. I am doing this because I want to be around the people who love me and miss me. 

Ah my heart is beating so fast. I am scared of what I am about to type. I will try my hardest to leave the old me here. The one who has seen death and blood with her eyes. I want to shed her away like an old skin and start a new one. You, him, me, the dog, and the baby. There are others who miss me and love me too but you are the only ones I care about. 

The youngest I cannot reach- the youngest I am afraid will not remember me. 

_________

My roommate has a parade of men coming in and out of her bedroom late at night. I can hear them through the door and the walls. I don't really think much about it. I just think about her little girl who is almost two sleeping in the crib right there in the room with them.

I think about how unhappy she is- the mother not the daughter. I think about how all these men who come for 'movies' or 'hanging out' forget to bring the DVD's or just have alcohol with them.

And how she always describes them as' been friends forever'. But they are always gone by late morning as she ushers them away so her daughter will not meet them face to face. How many friends does she have exactly? Where does she find these men who do not want love? Who never come back?

I guess I should count myself fortunate- the people who held me at night were there in the day. They loved me. I was special.

I hope to leave this place soon. I hope more than anything I never have to see her or her daughter again.

_________

Something old from me to my sister back in April 2012:

Man, I have done things even people deployed over here would be jealous of.

I have heard the sound of bullets whizzing past my head as I ducked for cover.

I have watched rockets fly over my head and land not too far off as the earth explodes from impact.

I have slept in the southern deserts of afghanistan in the cold with the sky covered in a million stars as my cover in full kit and in fear of being attacked at night.

I have talked to people I would have never dreamed in a million years I would meet.

But most awesome of all- the lizards in the desert I mentioned earlier? They will crawl all over you. AND they drank water out my my hand. SUPER CUTE.

I have not been on the internet in days. I am sorry for this but whenever someone dies we go into a internet 'blackout' so that the army can inform the family that someone has died before everyone starts posting it on FB like idiots.

I am well, a little sore right now but well. I hope you mail me things soon because it takes 2-4 weeks for a package to get here and 4+ weeks for a letter to get here.

I already got my first award badge thingy for being in combat, pretty legit yo.

________

I knew it was happening. Your hair was so brittle. I remember reaching out and touching it. I remember looking at it- frowning. "MOM your hair is so BAD!"

I knew it but I didn't understand it. Not my mom. Not my small family I swore to protect. NEVER.

I remember looking at dyes with Erika- we picked a nice one. I don't think you ever actually dyed it though.

I remember arriving. I remember coming upstairs and laying next to you on the bed telling you how stupid I thought you were but I was too tired from driving all night to be properly mad at you. I cuddled up next to you.

You know I loved you more than any one else didn't you? Who else would I drive that distance for? Who else would I drop everything for? Only you mama. Only you.

I'm so mad at you for leaving me all alone. I cant stop crying. You should have stayed or taken me with me you. I hate you so much.

_________

I'm a fool.

Thinking I could chase love. That I could have everything still. 

I crawled out of hell for you. I told myself no more crazy bouts of madness or depression. No more mood swings or tirades of tantrums. I changed for you. I was never capable of doing anything for my own well being. 

Pathetic. 

That's how I feel right now. 

To think I could finally stop running away from you and into your arms. To think you would love me like you did then. That you too still thought about me constantly of what I was doing and how I was. 

I'm so fucking stupid. I don't deserve anything good.

My mood just keeps getting worse. How do I change roles from the girl you could never get to the one who is anxious to change for you and doesn't know what to do any more. I feel as if I disgust you. As if you are finally realizing you don't really want me after all and just don't know how to tell me.

HA- dreams don't come true. People don't change. 

I will never find that happiness. Never.  

I lost you the moment I walked away the first time. 

_________

Should I start here?

....

I  married a man I did not love.
I told myself I was doing what was best for my family.

Now- I have no family other than the man I married. Time is slowly moving forward- dragging me with it. I don't cry all the time like I used to.

Ask me if I am finally getting better.

Just kidding.

Ask me why I take so many pills at night just to get a decent night's rest?

Because she haunts me. Day and night she haunts me. Demanding me to relive every single moment in pain and agony. I cannot breathe- I cannot breathe- I AM DYING.

'Why do you torture yourself? ` My husband asks. `You NEED to stop`

I don't do it on purpose I plead. I don't want to think about HER. ABOUT ANYONE. I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend none of this is me. None of this is my past- my life- my future.

It all dies with me. Every single moment up to now dies with me. I will not tell you of the blood- the guilt- the cries of agony. Why should you be my confidant? Why should I tell you of things you will never understand?

I want to die.

I know you hate it when I say it but I do. I cannot live in this world without HER without THEM. I take so many pills so I don't feel anything. I don't think about HER or THEM. The pills- they relax me so that I do not want to die. So that I do not think of my great loss.

What good am I?

What have I done?
I don't care.
Say what you will but I do not care.
I am nothing without her. I failed HER. I failed THEM. I do nothing but disappoint the people in my life and let them die as I stand on the sidelines. I push everyone away because I am so afraid of losing them.

I rather you walked away from me in anger and safe than- than to lose you. To lose anyone else in my life. Can't you see I don't feel anything anymore because I don't want to?
Can't you see if I don't take those stupid pills I might as well be dead after all?

I hate myself so much. I hate myself more than anything.

_________

I am destined to be alone.

Don't frown now dearest. I was never much for human companionship. I never got along with my family. I was always hiding from them. I knew I was the origin of all horrible things that happened from a very young age. It was why I ran away. And even though the problems didn't stop I thought to myself that I needed to get further away. I was too close. How about a city away? States away? Across the ocean?

No- even that far I still manage to hurt the few people I care about. They are all convinced I hate them. Let them think I hate them. Let them think I am heartless. The truth that even I hate admitting to myself is that I care so much it kills me inside. I place all the blame on me. I make you think I am the source of all evil and you too place this blame on me. I will make you hate me. I will make you want to be far away from me.

I am convinced I could never make anyone happy. I have never been anyone's everything. I have never had to take direct care of another person.

I told her I would always love her.
I told her to never think that I didn't.
I married because of her
I got this home for her and I t
ried to bring everything she cared about with her.
I am still sorry I couldn't get Emi or Lupe or the other bunny or Sunny or the turtle or the lizards.
I told her what wasn't okay.
I told her that- she should never forget that mom always puts God first.

I probably push everyone away because I want to be alone forever and ever. I hate people.

_______

I miss you mama

Every day I wake up and I am so scared. I don't know what I am doing. I always feel like I am making mistakes. I wish you were still here so badly. 

I want to go back mama. I want to go back and beg you to stay with me or take me with you. I need you so much. Why did you leave me all alone? 

I remember when we finally got to Fremont. It was the anniversary of my friends death. Do you remember holding me so tight while I was crying mama? I was crying so much because I had this huge hole in my life that nothing could fill. No one understood my pain. 

And you just held me and let me cry and you looked so broken over your child. 

Why did I go off to war mama? Why did I leave you? Me, who is your daughter? Why didn't I stay? Why was I so stupid? Ryan turned out to be worth nothing. You were right mama. He was a coward. And I'm stuck here mama. I can't get out of this. I cant just turn my back on my country and say, "Okay I am done now goodbye."

But it's too late now. You are gone now. 

I wish I was gone with you too. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. Who will I tell all the silly things to? I try to talk to other people every day but it isn't the same. I don't have their attention like I have yours. The way you stop everything you are doing just to listen to me and your eyes are smiling as you tell me how silly I am. We would talk for hours. 

I miss that. I miss telling you things. I pray every night almost asking Jesus to tell you I love you so very much. I wonder if he lets you know. I know there is no suffering in Heaven so I don't think He tells you. Otherwise it will make you very sad that I am crying so much over you. And you will get mad and tell Jesus to let you come back because your babies are crying. I will try to be strong for you mama. I won't cry. Not in front of anyone.

Please don't worry for me mama. I am taking care of Monkey and Erika and Jesse. I can't take care of Lupe though mama. Will you bug God to tell Lupe to come back to God? I worry about him mama. I worry for Emily too. Who will remind her about God?

I love you mama.

-Your Lucy.